Annoyance of Adulthood

Generally, I love being a "grown up." My wife and I have a good income, and we own our home. My age allows me to have a level of authority. Store clerks rarely look askance at my presence in their stores, unlike my younger days when they thought I might be a troublemaker or shoplifter. Certainly, I enjoy the privilege of enfranchisement, and although I don't drink, I like that I can purchase a bottle of wine for my wife or a friend. I even like that being an adult makes me less concerned about the anti-depressants that I take. The bad thing, though, is the feelings of responsibility that seem to accompany this stage of life.

Both my narcolepsy and my age continue to cause me to recognize more limits in my life. The latest came yesterday. I am in the midst of teaching my second class at MITY - The Enemy Gate is Down: The Stories of Ender, Bean & You. The class focuses on the Ender and Bean series of books from Orson Scott Card. I adore the books and LOVE teaching the class. The problem is that I simply don't have the energy to go all day any more. Even more frustrating is that I also need to start planning for my course at my school. Thus, my team has had two meetings already this week. We have a third tonight. I am thrilled and excited to work with them. I know it will be fantastic. I even find these summer meetings incredible. But, between MITY and the evening meetings, I went from 7:30 AM to 9+ PM the first two nights this week. THEN, I worked more on my MITY course. That will be my schedule again tonight.

I know now that teaching this Session B course was a mistake. Again, I love doing it, but I physically can't. Making the decision to only do Session A next year is the "right" one, but I hate it. I get so much out of working in this program, but it is irresponsible of me to do it because as much as I enjoy the work, I know the course could be better and that I am dropping the ball on everything at home and that I have no energy for anything but the course and that I will need a week or two (maybe more to recover). While some of those issues impact others (mostly my wife and daughter), I am more concerned about how much they impact me. Yes, I do wish that I could still function well enough to appreciate the joy of MITY, but I don't. The negative emotions are definitely outweighing the positive.

The bigger (and more immediate) "grown up" negative, though, has been my lack of ultimate. The sport has always been a vital part of my "balance," especially in the summer. Unfortunately, both my Session A and Session B courses and the narcolepsy have prevented me from making any practices for a month. I had hoped the slower pace of my second class would let me get to practice this week, but I realized Wednesday morning that if I did go to practice that night, it would mean FOUR days in a row (counting today) that I would be in high gear from 7:30 AM to 9+ PM. That is not just foolish - it is bordering on dangerous. I dragged my body out of bed this morning even without the physical exercise. My knees have also regressed in the last month because I have been putting literally 95% of my energy into my MITY courses. What little is left, I have tried to give to my wife and daughter. I honestly have no time or strength to do the PT exercises that I learned. Thus, practicing for ultimate becomes dangerous at another level.

All of this lead me to the highly responsible decision to not go to Wednesday practice, and I already told the captains that I would miss next Wednesday too. But, it makes me so sad. I NEED to have ultimate and my team in my life. They are a vital component of my sanity, but my "adultness" knows that at least this year, my commitments must take precedence. I agreed to teach this second class, thus I MUST be here every day. And, I MUST be prepared for it. Also, I MUST meet with my team for the next school year. That is not an option. We all have crazy summers, and the times this week were in the handful of dates that we could meet. There is NO WAY that I am willing to sacrifice that needed time.

So, some of my frustration is a result of things out of my control. Another piece is the result of my own inability to prioritize myself over the needs of others - that is neither good nor bad, it just is. I just wish it didn't hurt so much having to chose between so many things that I care about. One of the worst elements of narcolepsy is that I not only fear that I will have to give up other important things to me, but also that I already have had to give up vital pieces of myself and am well aware that my fear is actually my reality. I have to accept that. In fact, as I wrestled with missing more practice yesterday, the thought again crept into my head that I might have to give up ultimate, at least from a competitive club perspective. Honestly, how can I justify 1 or 2 three hour practices each week and three to five full weekends of time commitment throughout the summer and fall when I can barely do my part-time job and be present for my wife and daughter? I truly don't know. Am I being selfish? Or foolish? Or smart? Is what I get from playing with my team enough to counteract what it costs me in energy and emotional stability when I feel guilty for not doing more for my family?

Being an adult is a good thing, but it comes with a heavy price. So often as a child, I could afford to have my self-interests guide everything I did. I can't do that now. I am married and have a daughter and love my job and have a chronic illness. All of that means that I must prioritize and choose and eliminate. What is important to me? What do I need? Some days, those questions are easy, but often they are extremely hard. And, this awful condition means that I get to keep trying to cutting away at who and what I am. That is the reality. As much as my meds "help," they do not and cannot "cure" this. They make me functional in a limited way. I can still summon tremendous energy in limited windows of time. I can still be an excellent teacher because I feed off others as an extrovert, but pushing well beyond my boundaries costs me. Thus, the burden rests with me to decide what I should and should not do. It can't be any other way, but I also do not have to like it. And, I don't.