After a fantastic, but frenetic weekend, I find myself enjoying a relaxed day with friends. My wife flew home yesterday (and I miss her terribly), but I am staying through Tuesday with some of of my college friends. We had a wonderful dinner last night and play a super cool game - The Settlers of Catan. It is sold in the U.S. by Mayfair Games, and I was impressed looking at some of their other offerings too. Likely, one or more of their products will be appearing in my own home soon.
This morning, I slept in for the first time in weeks. My body still is quite angry about the beating that I gave it on Friday and Saturday, but it was also good for me to learn that I can still do some physical things. I am not obsessing over the possibilities (which is good), but I do have some new motivation to find an exercise routine. It was tremendously humbling to realize how much endurance and strength I have lost in the last few years, but I went into the weekend knowing that such epiphanies awaited me. Rather than feeling depressed about what I couldn't do, I am pleased with what I could do. I still made some good plays. I even ran with a person or two who is likely half my age and NOT a person with narcolepsy. So, that has to count for something. I even scored a goal, threw a score, made some defensive plays, and had at least one impressive catch. That truly is impressive for a 40-year old man with narcolepsy who has done virtually no physical exercise (other than lots of walking as a teacher and yard work at home) for over 8 months.
Another positive from the weekend is that I wisely decided not to play yesterday. We had at least one game guaranteed on Sunday. It turns out that the team we played was super spirited too. While it would have been a blast to play a few more points, I know that today would have been vastly worse if I had played. When I awoke on Sunday morning, I knew that I had nothing. I find it difficult to describe the sensation, but essentially I knew that my "tank" was empty - even the reserve supply that exists for fight or flight. Once my amphetamine kicked in, I was functional and could have played. But, the exertion would have made me even more washed out today. Narcolepsy tends to manifest differently for so many people. I am sure that when I push as hard as I did this weekend - mentally and socially, I use up energy that is supposed to go elsewhere in my body. Last year, I got sick the few times that I pushed through the way that I felt yesterday. Thankfully, I am getting better at listening to my own body.
The finally irony of today is that it is gray and rainy in Maryland. Rainy stopped literally minutes before our first game on Friday. We then got three perfect days for ultimate. Well, they were a tad windy, but the sun and warmth were glorious. Now, when the tourney is over and most of my friends have gone home, the weather is gloomy and colder. But, that is also a great reason to lay low and rest. I don't feel like I should be running around to "see the sights" in D.C. with weather like this, but had the sunshine of the weekend continued, I definitely would have felt some level of guilt. Thankfully, I can simply enjoy the presence of my good friends. I will also get a chance to see some other friends this evening. I must admit that this is a great way to spend my spring break.
Showing posts with label Ultimate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ultimate. Show all posts
Monday, April 6, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Sunny Saturday
While my body is exhausted, I have had a wonderful day. Today was day two of the annual WAFC Fools Fest. We still have not won any games, but we staged a remarkable comeback in our final game. We were down 8 to 1 at the end of the first half, but only lost the game 14 to 10. I even played a couple of key points in the game. We also had a glorious time just being together.
One of the things I love most about ultimate is that so many excellent people play the game. One of our pick-ups is an incredible player and person who goes by School. He plays regularly with some of our Drew Alums, but he fits the team perfectly. While I connected with him yesterday, I had a stellar conversation with him today. It is moments like that which I will miss the most, talking to a quality person while also have a grand time chasing plastic.
The good thing is that I can still play ultimate periodically. Perhaps a pick up game here and there coupled with a few more Fools Fests will tide me over. At the same time, I know that coming to this tournament only underscores why I can't continue to play club ultimate. My narcolepsy does not directly impact me on the field, but the lack of exercise time is a secondary factor. Without the chance to work regular exercise into my limited schedule, I know that my body can take no more than the handful of points that I am playing. That said, I am likely even trying to do too much as it is. In our first game, I played two points in the first half. During the second one, the disc turned over many times. By the end of the point, I struggled to walk off the field. It took me about an hour to recover from that one point. Talk about humbling!
Still, I know that I did the best I could today. I also know that some of my sideline cheering helped others to play with more fire and energy. I do hope that I can find a modest exercise routine, but I also know that the process of establishing it will come with time. Narcolepsy can be so frustrating, but it continues to help me to appreciate patience and grace on a daily basis.
One of the things I love most about ultimate is that so many excellent people play the game. One of our pick-ups is an incredible player and person who goes by School. He plays regularly with some of our Drew Alums, but he fits the team perfectly. While I connected with him yesterday, I had a stellar conversation with him today. It is moments like that which I will miss the most, talking to a quality person while also have a grand time chasing plastic.
The good thing is that I can still play ultimate periodically. Perhaps a pick up game here and there coupled with a few more Fools Fests will tide me over. At the same time, I know that coming to this tournament only underscores why I can't continue to play club ultimate. My narcolepsy does not directly impact me on the field, but the lack of exercise time is a secondary factor. Without the chance to work regular exercise into my limited schedule, I know that my body can take no more than the handful of points that I am playing. That said, I am likely even trying to do too much as it is. In our first game, I played two points in the first half. During the second one, the disc turned over many times. By the end of the point, I struggled to walk off the field. It took me about an hour to recover from that one point. Talk about humbling!
Still, I know that I did the best I could today. I also know that some of my sideline cheering helped others to play with more fire and energy. I do hope that I can find a modest exercise routine, but I also know that the process of establishing it will come with time. Narcolepsy can be so frustrating, but it continues to help me to appreciate patience and grace on a daily basis.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Exhausted excitement
I am rapidly approaching the one year anniversary of this blog. One key event reminding me of that reality is the annual WAFC (Washington Area Frisbee Club) Fools Fest. Today was the first day of the tournament. One year ago, although I knew that things might be getting better at my job, I felt tremendous stress from my narcolepsy. I also did not play in the tournament because my knee felt like a disaster. I honestly believed that knee surgery was in my future.
Fortunately, some physical therapy significantly improved my knee, and I eventually found MOONS-Minnesota and the Narcolepsy Network. But, immediately after last year's Fools Fest, I began exploring Facebook and MySpace, finding my first sources of narcolepsy support. Then, I began this blog, and my life has improved significantly.
Many of the things have brightened for me in the last year, but others have dimmed. One of the most difficult "losses" is the reality that I cannot play ultimate frisbee again for my competitive club team. The time and energy required is more than I can afford to expend. While I know that my decision is absolutely correct, I continue to feel the emptiness that it leaves.
Thus, this year's Fools Fest has been on my mind as this event has approached. I had desperately hoped that I could play some this year, but my complete lack of exercise has had me worried. Today, the day of reckoning, finally arrived. Yesterday, my wife and I had a much longer travel experience than we had planned. Our plane had engine problems, forcing us to arrive hours later than we had planned. We did get sleep, but it was the fourth or fifth day in a row that I only got in one Xyrem dose.
When play started, we only had a handful of men. I played 3-4 points in the first half and nearly collapsed. Fortunately, we picked up a few more men, but I also recovered and continued to play. While I am sore tonight and only played 4-5 points per game, I am overjoyed that I played fairly well today. I threw for a score and managed to score a goal. It was wonderful to discover that I still have decent ability. I do not have nearly the stamina that I once did, but I held my own on the field. We will see what tomorrow brings, but it is refreshing to know that I can still enjoy this fantastic game, even if it is in limited doses.
Fortunately, some physical therapy significantly improved my knee, and I eventually found MOONS-Minnesota and the Narcolepsy Network. But, immediately after last year's Fools Fest, I began exploring Facebook and MySpace, finding my first sources of narcolepsy support. Then, I began this blog, and my life has improved significantly.
Many of the things have brightened for me in the last year, but others have dimmed. One of the most difficult "losses" is the reality that I cannot play ultimate frisbee again for my competitive club team. The time and energy required is more than I can afford to expend. While I know that my decision is absolutely correct, I continue to feel the emptiness that it leaves.
Thus, this year's Fools Fest has been on my mind as this event has approached. I had desperately hoped that I could play some this year, but my complete lack of exercise has had me worried. Today, the day of reckoning, finally arrived. Yesterday, my wife and I had a much longer travel experience than we had planned. Our plane had engine problems, forcing us to arrive hours later than we had planned. We did get sleep, but it was the fourth or fifth day in a row that I only got in one Xyrem dose.
When play started, we only had a handful of men. I played 3-4 points in the first half and nearly collapsed. Fortunately, we picked up a few more men, but I also recovered and continued to play. While I am sore tonight and only played 4-5 points per game, I am overjoyed that I played fairly well today. I threw for a score and managed to score a goal. It was wonderful to discover that I still have decent ability. I do not have nearly the stamina that I once did, but I held my own on the field. We will see what tomorrow brings, but it is refreshing to know that I can still enjoy this fantastic game, even if it is in limited doses.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Yin Yang Year
Happy New Year! It occurred to me today, as I drove around Saint Paul (and the Twin Cities) like a mad man, that I should spend some time reflecting on this past year. It is breathtaking to realize that one year ago I could feel hope slipping away yet again. In fact, as I entered January of 2008, I was sure that the stimulant I was on was not strong enough. Then, when I tried amphetamine for the first time, I was convinced the wheels had completely come off of the wagon. My hands began "sweating," and I found myself in a complete spiral. Somehow, I held things together, but I also missed my most school in January and February. The dyshidrotic eczema was driving me nuts, and I seriously thought that I might need to quit teaching. I also remained completely exhausted.
Even when I got my hands under control, I had a swollen testicle again and felt horribly run down. Still, the worst was yet to come. As February ended and March began, I found myself at a low water mark. I hated going to work and knew that my classes were toxic to me. I had started on my amphetamine, but my knees were in extreme pain. My weight was barely hovering at 150 pounds. And, with the start of the third trimester, I found myself completely lost. My schedule and pattern at school had changed and it took me three weeks to get my bearings. All of it had me beside myself. Then, we went to D.C. for the Fools Fest, and the worm turned.
Initially, I was convinced it was the end of the world. I could barely walk up the hill to the fields. I didn't even go to the fields on the second day. It was wonderful to see my friends from college, but I was depressed beyond belief. It looked like narcolepsy, or my body, or something was going to take ultimate from me too. Yet, as I returned from D.C., I seemed to have a little more hope. Perhaps it was seeing our friends, or maybe it was my deepest self getting fed up, or perhaps it was the arrival of spring, but I came home with a small fire in my belly.
The first piece of good news was that my knees were okay. I needed physical therapy, but I had been convinced something was torn. Then, I found Facebook and started this blog. Suddenly, I was discussing my narcolepsy and connecting with others. At school, I finally recognized how toxic my course load was and owned it. I came to terms that I would be unhappy for the rest of the year, and that made things lighter. I also turned my focus to the new course that promised to be much better for the 2008-2009 school year (and it has been). Finally, I began, for the first time in my life, to accept that I am a finite person. I can't be all things to all people. I must be content to do what my body allows.
As the school year ended, I finally got to a MOONS meeting. I signed up for the Narcolepsy Network. I got excited that MITY was approaching. At the same time, I had to confront again and again my tendency to overestimate how much strength I had. Ultimate remained frustrating, and I never did find a way to get back in shape. Eventually, I had to step away from ultimate. I still don't know if I will be able to play competitively again, but am much more at peace with that. I also had many dark days when I turned all of my ire inward. But in processing those moments, I found more and more ways to forgive myself.
These last few months have been incredible. While there is still so much that I must learn about myself, about narcolepsy, about how to find peace, I know that I am on the right path. The most important lesson I have learned in the past year is that I can't control a vast majority of my world, but I can control my reaction to the world around me. I need to roll with the realities of my life. I need to breathe. I need to take each day, one moment at a time. Hopefully, as good as the end of 2008 has been, it is only the beginning. The more content I am, the more I am able to embrace the world.
Even when I got my hands under control, I had a swollen testicle again and felt horribly run down. Still, the worst was yet to come. As February ended and March began, I found myself at a low water mark. I hated going to work and knew that my classes were toxic to me. I had started on my amphetamine, but my knees were in extreme pain. My weight was barely hovering at 150 pounds. And, with the start of the third trimester, I found myself completely lost. My schedule and pattern at school had changed and it took me three weeks to get my bearings. All of it had me beside myself. Then, we went to D.C. for the Fools Fest, and the worm turned.
Initially, I was convinced it was the end of the world. I could barely walk up the hill to the fields. I didn't even go to the fields on the second day. It was wonderful to see my friends from college, but I was depressed beyond belief. It looked like narcolepsy, or my body, or something was going to take ultimate from me too. Yet, as I returned from D.C., I seemed to have a little more hope. Perhaps it was seeing our friends, or maybe it was my deepest self getting fed up, or perhaps it was the arrival of spring, but I came home with a small fire in my belly.
The first piece of good news was that my knees were okay. I needed physical therapy, but I had been convinced something was torn. Then, I found Facebook and started this blog. Suddenly, I was discussing my narcolepsy and connecting with others. At school, I finally recognized how toxic my course load was and owned it. I came to terms that I would be unhappy for the rest of the year, and that made things lighter. I also turned my focus to the new course that promised to be much better for the 2008-2009 school year (and it has been). Finally, I began, for the first time in my life, to accept that I am a finite person. I can't be all things to all people. I must be content to do what my body allows.
As the school year ended, I finally got to a MOONS meeting. I signed up for the Narcolepsy Network. I got excited that MITY was approaching. At the same time, I had to confront again and again my tendency to overestimate how much strength I had. Ultimate remained frustrating, and I never did find a way to get back in shape. Eventually, I had to step away from ultimate. I still don't know if I will be able to play competitively again, but am much more at peace with that. I also had many dark days when I turned all of my ire inward. But in processing those moments, I found more and more ways to forgive myself.
These last few months have been incredible. While there is still so much that I must learn about myself, about narcolepsy, about how to find peace, I know that I am on the right path. The most important lesson I have learned in the past year is that I can't control a vast majority of my world, but I can control my reaction to the world around me. I need to roll with the realities of my life. I need to breathe. I need to take each day, one moment at a time. Hopefully, as good as the end of 2008 has been, it is only the beginning. The more content I am, the more I am able to embrace the world.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Ultimate Undoing
After wrestling with my thoughts for a week, I finally decided today to pull the plug on my ultimate season. I wrote to my captains earlier in the week, asking if I could come to some practices, but not play in tournaments. That felt cowardly and empty, though. I also felt that I was unfairly laying my problem at their feet. So, I wrote them again today and my team. I know this is the right decision, but it is still hard to accept.
In the end I came to terms with my current physical reality. I am in decent shape physically and mentally, but the demands that I would put on my body, even at an occasionally ultimate practice, are too taxing. I would love to pretend that I would make good decisions at the practice, but I know that I would not. Because I have lived with narcolepsy for so long and have learned ways to draw on energy that should be doing other things - like keeping my immune system functional - I would play fine at practice. I would then pay for that effort over the next week, or more. My summer cold continues to linger. I am willing to guess that my trip to the ENT in a few weeks will show more inflammation and possibly a sinus infection.
Those consequences are unacceptable. Part of being smart about my life is knowing when I have to step away, even from things that I love. I do hope that I will be able to slowly build my physical strength and endurance back to a point that I can practice and play ultimate at the competitive level. But, I am not there currently and I need to be honest with myself. I have a good schedule for my teaching and the right course (I think). I am also starting to grasp how I can be present for my wife and daughter and still be effective in the classroom. Doing that, while living with narcolepsy, is a massive accomplishment. Not playing ultimate, while disappointing, is a small price to pay to stay on track with those other priorities.
The other reality is that, while I have managed to re-start my yoga, I am still not exercising regularly on my own. One reason is that I am still recovering from playing ultimate a week and a half ago. Trying to go to practice out of some warped sense of loyalty or irrational belief that I have to be there for "me" only serves to undermine the very wellness that I am trying to build. I am much better off finding 30 minutes here and there to do some basic exercising that will allow me to survive the school year and to diminish the sense of fatigue that I have each day.
Ironically, I thought of Santiago from The Alchemist as I wrote both of my emails. I too am leaving behind things that I love to embark on a scary new journey. I do believe that ultimate is part of my Personal Legend, but I also know that things may happen on this quest that never allow me to return to playing this game that I adore. Yet, had I tried to "stay" and play, I would wind up miserable. Choosing this path affords me the chance to return in the future more whole and balanced. If I am able to walk this route, I will enjoy ultimate that much more, rather than becoming bitter by pushing now and failing horribly. I need to continue to practice the patience of Santiago. Like the young shepherd, I must learn to read the signs of the world, opening myself to the universal language without words. I know that I am right in understanding that all the omens told me it was time for a break from disc. It hurts, but the weight of the world lifted when I sent those emails today.
In the end I came to terms with my current physical reality. I am in decent shape physically and mentally, but the demands that I would put on my body, even at an occasionally ultimate practice, are too taxing. I would love to pretend that I would make good decisions at the practice, but I know that I would not. Because I have lived with narcolepsy for so long and have learned ways to draw on energy that should be doing other things - like keeping my immune system functional - I would play fine at practice. I would then pay for that effort over the next week, or more. My summer cold continues to linger. I am willing to guess that my trip to the ENT in a few weeks will show more inflammation and possibly a sinus infection.
Those consequences are unacceptable. Part of being smart about my life is knowing when I have to step away, even from things that I love. I do hope that I will be able to slowly build my physical strength and endurance back to a point that I can practice and play ultimate at the competitive level. But, I am not there currently and I need to be honest with myself. I have a good schedule for my teaching and the right course (I think). I am also starting to grasp how I can be present for my wife and daughter and still be effective in the classroom. Doing that, while living with narcolepsy, is a massive accomplishment. Not playing ultimate, while disappointing, is a small price to pay to stay on track with those other priorities.
The other reality is that, while I have managed to re-start my yoga, I am still not exercising regularly on my own. One reason is that I am still recovering from playing ultimate a week and a half ago. Trying to go to practice out of some warped sense of loyalty or irrational belief that I have to be there for "me" only serves to undermine the very wellness that I am trying to build. I am much better off finding 30 minutes here and there to do some basic exercising that will allow me to survive the school year and to diminish the sense of fatigue that I have each day.
Ironically, I thought of Santiago from The Alchemist as I wrote both of my emails. I too am leaving behind things that I love to embark on a scary new journey. I do believe that ultimate is part of my Personal Legend, but I also know that things may happen on this quest that never allow me to return to playing this game that I adore. Yet, had I tried to "stay" and play, I would wind up miserable. Choosing this path affords me the chance to return in the future more whole and balanced. If I am able to walk this route, I will enjoy ultimate that much more, rather than becoming bitter by pushing now and failing horribly. I need to continue to practice the patience of Santiago. Like the young shepherd, I must learn to read the signs of the world, opening myself to the universal language without words. I know that I am right in understanding that all the omens told me it was time for a break from disc. It hurts, but the weight of the world lifted when I sent those emails today.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Physically Failing
I wish I knew how to surf. If I did, I could honestly say, "narcolepsy is like riding a big wave - you know you are going to crash eventually, it just depends on how much it will hurt this time." Sadly, I don't surf so I have no idea how accurate that statement is. Still, I feel like the wave won BIG time this weekend. I have gotten some stuff done, but I was supposed to be cheering on my ultimate team and playing a few points. Instead, I awoke yesterday with a summer cold in full bloom. My wife and daughter both had it, but there was about a week lag between theirs clearing up and mine. I made the right choice and stayed home, but I hate missing the tournament.
I also know that part of me "getting" sick was trying to do more than I should when I practiced on Wednesday. I am "out of shape" and run down. Now, I can certainly still play ultimate decently even in this condition, but it comes at a price. The longer I live with knowledge of my narcolepsy, the more I realize how "good" I became at pushing myself well beyond my physical limits. I am sure that parts of my other health woes stem from me using up energy that should have gone to my immune system and digestion. Even now, as I have been generally healthier since starting narcolepsy treatment, I can feel my health slip when I do too much. The four weeks of full time teaching in a five week period was a terrible decision, but so is playing ultimate at full speed (or as full as I can go) when I am still recovering from that teaching.
I definitely need to do some thinking during this next week. Is it wise for me to try to practice two days a week right now? I definitely MUST start an exercise routine since my back and knees are not doing well and my weight keeps creeping up now that I am on blood pressure meds. But, are two to three hour intense practices a good decision? Beyond that, does it make sense to try to go to all day tournaments when I can't honestly function well in my own home for an entire day? The hard part in this is that I LOVE this team I am on. I love spending time with them and I do contribute in tangible ways. I need what my team gives me, but does that outweigh the potential negatives to my physical health? I just don't know.
I think I need to email my captains to see what they think. I also need to discuss it with my wife. She is incredible at helping me gain perspective. I, sadly, am terrible at limits. I need to block out my day so I have set periods for exercise and yoga. Without those, I shouldn't be thinking about doing anything physical (or much else for that matter). My endurance is WAY down. Part of that is the narcolepsy, but part of it too is simply atrophying due to not balancing my schedule and activities. I need to be stronger just so I can teach part-time effectively and still be present at home.
Even as I wrote that, it hurts. I know that the right thing is to see if I can still come to some practices, but plan to not play in tournaments. I am trying not to wallow in the idea that ultimate is one more thing that narcolepsy has cost me. I don't want to "quit," but I do think it is unrealistic of me to expect that I will be in any kind of condition to play well and consistently for extended periods right now. I just don't have that level of fitness. AND, I am not disciplined enough to control myself at a practice or tournament. I WILL play when I shouldn't - I always have. And, as a result, I will make myself ill. I still will have the conversations with people, but I need to be good to me. Hopefully, making a decision like this will also motivate me to create the space for exercise and yoga.
The final rotten thing about this weekend is that I haven't done much at home either. It is one thing to miss the tournament if I am being productive at home. It is another thing to know that much of the crap looming in my mind is still there, AND I am not having fun cheering on my teammates. But, pushing now will mean prolonged health issues. I just need to keep taking one step at a time. I can't finish everything at once - ever! There will always be work and there will always be more to do. I need to rest and get healthy. That way, I can exercise wisely and begin to build strength.
I also know that part of me "getting" sick was trying to do more than I should when I practiced on Wednesday. I am "out of shape" and run down. Now, I can certainly still play ultimate decently even in this condition, but it comes at a price. The longer I live with knowledge of my narcolepsy, the more I realize how "good" I became at pushing myself well beyond my physical limits. I am sure that parts of my other health woes stem from me using up energy that should have gone to my immune system and digestion. Even now, as I have been generally healthier since starting narcolepsy treatment, I can feel my health slip when I do too much. The four weeks of full time teaching in a five week period was a terrible decision, but so is playing ultimate at full speed (or as full as I can go) when I am still recovering from that teaching.
I definitely need to do some thinking during this next week. Is it wise for me to try to practice two days a week right now? I definitely MUST start an exercise routine since my back and knees are not doing well and my weight keeps creeping up now that I am on blood pressure meds. But, are two to three hour intense practices a good decision? Beyond that, does it make sense to try to go to all day tournaments when I can't honestly function well in my own home for an entire day? The hard part in this is that I LOVE this team I am on. I love spending time with them and I do contribute in tangible ways. I need what my team gives me, but does that outweigh the potential negatives to my physical health? I just don't know.
I think I need to email my captains to see what they think. I also need to discuss it with my wife. She is incredible at helping me gain perspective. I, sadly, am terrible at limits. I need to block out my day so I have set periods for exercise and yoga. Without those, I shouldn't be thinking about doing anything physical (or much else for that matter). My endurance is WAY down. Part of that is the narcolepsy, but part of it too is simply atrophying due to not balancing my schedule and activities. I need to be stronger just so I can teach part-time effectively and still be present at home.
Even as I wrote that, it hurts. I know that the right thing is to see if I can still come to some practices, but plan to not play in tournaments. I am trying not to wallow in the idea that ultimate is one more thing that narcolepsy has cost me. I don't want to "quit," but I do think it is unrealistic of me to expect that I will be in any kind of condition to play well and consistently for extended periods right now. I just don't have that level of fitness. AND, I am not disciplined enough to control myself at a practice or tournament. I WILL play when I shouldn't - I always have. And, as a result, I will make myself ill. I still will have the conversations with people, but I need to be good to me. Hopefully, making a decision like this will also motivate me to create the space for exercise and yoga.
The final rotten thing about this weekend is that I haven't done much at home either. It is one thing to miss the tournament if I am being productive at home. It is another thing to know that much of the crap looming in my mind is still there, AND I am not having fun cheering on my teammates. But, pushing now will mean prolonged health issues. I just need to keep taking one step at a time. I can't finish everything at once - ever! There will always be work and there will always be more to do. I need to rest and get healthy. That way, I can exercise wisely and begin to build strength.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Annoyance of Adulthood
Generally, I love being a "grown up." My wife and I have a good income, and we own our home. My age allows me to have a level of authority. Store clerks rarely look askance at my presence in their stores, unlike my younger days when they thought I might be a troublemaker or shoplifter. Certainly, I enjoy the privilege of enfranchisement, and although I don't drink, I like that I can purchase a bottle of wine for my wife or a friend. I even like that being an adult makes me less concerned about the anti-depressants that I take. The bad thing, though, is the feelings of responsibility that seem to accompany this stage of life.
Both my narcolepsy and my age continue to cause me to recognize more limits in my life. The latest came yesterday. I am in the midst of teaching my second class at MITY - The Enemy Gate is Down: The Stories of Ender, Bean & You. The class focuses on the Ender and Bean series of books from Orson Scott Card. I adore the books and LOVE teaching the class. The problem is that I simply don't have the energy to go all day any more. Even more frustrating is that I also need to start planning for my course at my school. Thus, my team has had two meetings already this week. We have a third tonight. I am thrilled and excited to work with them. I know it will be fantastic. I even find these summer meetings incredible. But, between MITY and the evening meetings, I went from 7:30 AM to 9+ PM the first two nights this week. THEN, I worked more on my MITY course. That will be my schedule again tonight.
I know now that teaching this Session B course was a mistake. Again, I love doing it, but I physically can't. Making the decision to only do Session A next year is the "right" one, but I hate it. I get so much out of working in this program, but it is irresponsible of me to do it because as much as I enjoy the work, I know the course could be better and that I am dropping the ball on everything at home and that I have no energy for anything but the course and that I will need a week or two (maybe more to recover). While some of those issues impact others (mostly my wife and daughter), I am more concerned about how much they impact me. Yes, I do wish that I could still function well enough to appreciate the joy of MITY, but I don't. The negative emotions are definitely outweighing the positive.
The bigger (and more immediate) "grown up" negative, though, has been my lack of ultimate. The sport has always been a vital part of my "balance," especially in the summer. Unfortunately, both my Session A and Session B courses and the narcolepsy have prevented me from making any practices for a month. I had hoped the slower pace of my second class would let me get to practice this week, but I realized Wednesday morning that if I did go to practice that night, it would mean FOUR days in a row (counting today) that I would be in high gear from 7:30 AM to 9+ PM. That is not just foolish - it is bordering on dangerous. I dragged my body out of bed this morning even without the physical exercise. My knees have also regressed in the last month because I have been putting literally 95% of my energy into my MITY courses. What little is left, I have tried to give to my wife and daughter. I honestly have no time or strength to do the PT exercises that I learned. Thus, practicing for ultimate becomes dangerous at another level.
All of this lead me to the highly responsible decision to not go to Wednesday practice, and I already told the captains that I would miss next Wednesday too. But, it makes me so sad. I NEED to have ultimate and my team in my life. They are a vital component of my sanity, but my "adultness" knows that at least this year, my commitments must take precedence. I agreed to teach this second class, thus I MUST be here every day. And, I MUST be prepared for it. Also, I MUST meet with my team for the next school year. That is not an option. We all have crazy summers, and the times this week were in the handful of dates that we could meet. There is NO WAY that I am willing to sacrifice that needed time.
So, some of my frustration is a result of things out of my control. Another piece is the result of my own inability to prioritize myself over the needs of others - that is neither good nor bad, it just is. I just wish it didn't hurt so much having to chose between so many things that I care about. One of the worst elements of narcolepsy is that I not only fear that I will have to give up other important things to me, but also that I already have had to give up vital pieces of myself and am well aware that my fear is actually my reality. I have to accept that. In fact, as I wrestled with missing more practice yesterday, the thought again crept into my head that I might have to give up ultimate, at least from a competitive club perspective. Honestly, how can I justify 1 or 2 three hour practices each week and three to five full weekends of time commitment throughout the summer and fall when I can barely do my part-time job and be present for my wife and daughter? I truly don't know. Am I being selfish? Or foolish? Or smart? Is what I get from playing with my team enough to counteract what it costs me in energy and emotional stability when I feel guilty for not doing more for my family?
Being an adult is a good thing, but it comes with a heavy price. So often as a child, I could afford to have my self-interests guide everything I did. I can't do that now. I am married and have a daughter and love my job and have a chronic illness. All of that means that I must prioritize and choose and eliminate. What is important to me? What do I need? Some days, those questions are easy, but often they are extremely hard. And, this awful condition means that I get to keep trying to cutting away at who and what I am. That is the reality. As much as my meds "help," they do not and cannot "cure" this. They make me functional in a limited way. I can still summon tremendous energy in limited windows of time. I can still be an excellent teacher because I feed off others as an extrovert, but pushing well beyond my boundaries costs me. Thus, the burden rests with me to decide what I should and should not do. It can't be any other way, but I also do not have to like it. And, I don't.
Both my narcolepsy and my age continue to cause me to recognize more limits in my life. The latest came yesterday. I am in the midst of teaching my second class at MITY - The Enemy Gate is Down: The Stories of Ender, Bean & You. The class focuses on the Ender and Bean series of books from Orson Scott Card. I adore the books and LOVE teaching the class. The problem is that I simply don't have the energy to go all day any more. Even more frustrating is that I also need to start planning for my course at my school. Thus, my team has had two meetings already this week. We have a third tonight. I am thrilled and excited to work with them. I know it will be fantastic. I even find these summer meetings incredible. But, between MITY and the evening meetings, I went from 7:30 AM to 9+ PM the first two nights this week. THEN, I worked more on my MITY course. That will be my schedule again tonight.
I know now that teaching this Session B course was a mistake. Again, I love doing it, but I physically can't. Making the decision to only do Session A next year is the "right" one, but I hate it. I get so much out of working in this program, but it is irresponsible of me to do it because as much as I enjoy the work, I know the course could be better and that I am dropping the ball on everything at home and that I have no energy for anything but the course and that I will need a week or two (maybe more to recover). While some of those issues impact others (mostly my wife and daughter), I am more concerned about how much they impact me. Yes, I do wish that I could still function well enough to appreciate the joy of MITY, but I don't. The negative emotions are definitely outweighing the positive.
The bigger (and more immediate) "grown up" negative, though, has been my lack of ultimate. The sport has always been a vital part of my "balance," especially in the summer. Unfortunately, both my Session A and Session B courses and the narcolepsy have prevented me from making any practices for a month. I had hoped the slower pace of my second class would let me get to practice this week, but I realized Wednesday morning that if I did go to practice that night, it would mean FOUR days in a row (counting today) that I would be in high gear from 7:30 AM to 9+ PM. That is not just foolish - it is bordering on dangerous. I dragged my body out of bed this morning even without the physical exercise. My knees have also regressed in the last month because I have been putting literally 95% of my energy into my MITY courses. What little is left, I have tried to give to my wife and daughter. I honestly have no time or strength to do the PT exercises that I learned. Thus, practicing for ultimate becomes dangerous at another level.
All of this lead me to the highly responsible decision to not go to Wednesday practice, and I already told the captains that I would miss next Wednesday too. But, it makes me so sad. I NEED to have ultimate and my team in my life. They are a vital component of my sanity, but my "adultness" knows that at least this year, my commitments must take precedence. I agreed to teach this second class, thus I MUST be here every day. And, I MUST be prepared for it. Also, I MUST meet with my team for the next school year. That is not an option. We all have crazy summers, and the times this week were in the handful of dates that we could meet. There is NO WAY that I am willing to sacrifice that needed time.
So, some of my frustration is a result of things out of my control. Another piece is the result of my own inability to prioritize myself over the needs of others - that is neither good nor bad, it just is. I just wish it didn't hurt so much having to chose between so many things that I care about. One of the worst elements of narcolepsy is that I not only fear that I will have to give up other important things to me, but also that I already have had to give up vital pieces of myself and am well aware that my fear is actually my reality. I have to accept that. In fact, as I wrestled with missing more practice yesterday, the thought again crept into my head that I might have to give up ultimate, at least from a competitive club perspective. Honestly, how can I justify 1 or 2 three hour practices each week and three to five full weekends of time commitment throughout the summer and fall when I can barely do my part-time job and be present for my wife and daughter? I truly don't know. Am I being selfish? Or foolish? Or smart? Is what I get from playing with my team enough to counteract what it costs me in energy and emotional stability when I feel guilty for not doing more for my family?
Being an adult is a good thing, but it comes with a heavy price. So often as a child, I could afford to have my self-interests guide everything I did. I can't do that now. I am married and have a daughter and love my job and have a chronic illness. All of that means that I must prioritize and choose and eliminate. What is important to me? What do I need? Some days, those questions are easy, but often they are extremely hard. And, this awful condition means that I get to keep trying to cutting away at who and what I am. That is the reality. As much as my meds "help," they do not and cannot "cure" this. They make me functional in a limited way. I can still summon tremendous energy in limited windows of time. I can still be an excellent teacher because I feed off others as an extrovert, but pushing well beyond my boundaries costs me. Thus, the burden rests with me to decide what I should and should not do. It can't be any other way, but I also do not have to like it. And, I don't.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Ultimate
While narcolepsy does play a major role in my life, I refuse to let it take over. One of the ways I plan to "fight back" is by renewing my commitment to playing ultimate Frisbee. The club team on which I play (tba - that is truly our name) had our kick off meeting tonight. It was great to see everyone. My extensive weight loss, and ensuing knee problem, was a topic of discussion, but most of the evening was spent discussing our upcoming year.
I feel re-invigorated just by seeing these guys again. It amazes me that I can feel so strongly about a group. I would do anything for my teammates, mostly because they are such good people. Plus, they all play my favorite sport extremely well. The night was also good for me because I had to discuss the narcolepsy.
I struggle with explaining my condition in terms that give clarity without causing excessive concern. Narcolepsy is a complete pain, but it is manageable. I feel like I did a decent job tonight, both in the way I answered questions about my health, and in the positive attitude that I had. I tend to be an optimist, but goofy disease certainly tests that trait. On the whole, a great night. I am excited for my physical therapy to begin. By getting my knees stronger, I will be able to exercise more. That in turn will give me more endurance, not only for ultimate, but also for my daily life.
I will never be able to match the insane energy levels of my past, but I will be able to teach well (part-time) and be a great dad and husband. That will make every day brighter.
I feel re-invigorated just by seeing these guys again. It amazes me that I can feel so strongly about a group. I would do anything for my teammates, mostly because they are such good people. Plus, they all play my favorite sport extremely well. The night was also good for me because I had to discuss the narcolepsy.
I struggle with explaining my condition in terms that give clarity without causing excessive concern. Narcolepsy is a complete pain, but it is manageable. I feel like I did a decent job tonight, both in the way I answered questions about my health, and in the positive attitude that I had. I tend to be an optimist, but goofy disease certainly tests that trait. On the whole, a great night. I am excited for my physical therapy to begin. By getting my knees stronger, I will be able to exercise more. That in turn will give me more endurance, not only for ultimate, but also for my daily life.
I will never be able to match the insane energy levels of my past, but I will be able to teach well (part-time) and be a great dad and husband. That will make every day brighter.
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