My students for this next year are reading Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist as their summer reading. I just finished re-reading it myself and am deeply struck by how appropriate it is to my own journey. Santiago faces inordinate challenges as he pursues his Personal Legend. At the same time, he is constantly reminded that "all the universe conspires in helping...to achieve it" (Coehlo 22). It is a beautiful paradox and underscores for me the mystery of my condition. I know that narcolepsy is one of the largest burdens I have ever faced, yet without it I doubt that I would have even achieved the mental stability I have of late. It is that balance that is allowing me to be an even better teacher and father and friend.
I also love the idea that there is a Language of the World - one that speaks to us all through omens and the natural world. Santiago sees things everywhere simply by being patient and watching. I know that much of my life has been serendipitous. Often, I am making decisions based on intuition and insight rather than logic and facts. I also know that when I trust those deep emotions, I am rewarded with great joy. Far too often, my logical and analytical mind either gets me into trouble or wraps me in so many knots that the tention is unbearable. Perhaps the best example of all is my narcolepsy. When I am teaching (or passionately engaged in conversation) I am rarely aware of my fatigue, but when I am alone with my thoughts (letting my brain process and re-process everything), my exhaustion can be extreme. Coelho does a remarkable job of vividly capturing the realities of how so many of us lose sight of our Personal Legend. How many times have I worried and wondered about my ability to "teach" because the narcolepsy makes me so tired? Yet, I know (in my heart and soul) that NOTHING fills me up like teaching. It IS my Personal Legend.
Of course, I also feel like I am still on the journey to achieve my Personal Legend. I am a good teacher, but I also know that I can be better. I can't be perfect, but I can be more aware of my students' needs. I can also be more focused on how I teach, making tangible progress for each student an achievable goal. One of the keys is to realize my strengths and my weaknesses. Another is to know that I am finite and limited. I can't do everything (let alone do it well), but I can work toward mastering specific skills with a limited group of students. Returning to our Grade 9 curriculum and working part-time are definitely steps in the proper direction.
Perhaps my favorite thing about The Alchemist, though, is that Santiago - who is so adept at understanding omens - still manages to fail on a regular basis. The idea that we (as individuals, groups, societies) can constantly succeed, or win, or whatever, is such a Western fallacy! The reality is that life is a struggle, and we do fall down, and thankfully we can get up again. In fact we rise even faster when we open ourselves to the love of those around us and particularly to the love of our God. It amazes me that The Alchemist manages to be a deeply spiritual (and religious - in my opinion) book without overtly promoting any faith or offending any faith - please realize that I say that as a Catholic Christian and have no idea if the book offends Jews or Muslims or some other faith. As far as I can tell, it is a book about deeply held beliefs that honors a multitude of traditions and gives a true sense of tolerance.
Like Santiago, I have always been drawn to the idea of omens and signs. I do try to watch the world around me to see what it says. I also feel the power of the desert and the ocean. I have spent more time near the ocean than I have in any desert, but both resonate within my core. My favorite novel, Moby Dick (yes, I am actually that dorky), has an amazing line in Chapter 23 - "It is in landlessness alone resides the highest truth." I think Melville felt what Coelho felt. We are most alive when we are cast out into the world. What is safe is wonderful, but risk allows us the chance to become truly alive, to find our Personal Legend. Narcolepsy is my desert/ocean in many ways. Talk about being "unshored," I feel like I am drifting alone much of the time. Yet, within that emptiness, there is power and strength. I can't be who my logical brain tells me I should be, but I can become who I am supposed to be by trusting my heart and my Personal Legend.
And, I did yoga for a second day in a row - yea, me!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Swell Start
A day proves nothing, but I need to acknowledge that I managed to do some yoga, exercise a little, work, enjoy my daughter, and even start periodic breathing exercises. Things need to become habitual, but it is a good start. Some of those things took place with a horrid headache. While I am not thrilled that my head hurts, I am pleased that I did not let it derail things.
I performed the yoga this morning, after feeding the cats. I only did the "warm-up," but I did it! I also could feel it helping. We will see how things move forward, but I am hopeful. I practice Kundalini Yoga (there is an online course which is supposed to be free) which focuses on spine energy and breathing. When I did it regularly in the spring and summer of 2005, it helped me tremendously, especially when I was doing it and receiving acupuncture treatments. I am hopeful I will see some similar results by restarting it (and I am once again seeing an acupuncturist too!). One of the greatest benefits is that Kundalini helps with the endocrine system and balancing the brain hemispherically.
My exercise came in an unexpected way. My daughter asked me a couple of days ago if we could go to the local tennis court and the hit ball a little. She has not shown an interest in tennis before, but I was certainly game. It turns out that she is pretty good, especially for her first day. I ran more than I had planned, but we both had fun. I need to find a pattern for my strengthening exercises too, yet how can I not celebrate having a great afternoon with my daughter. I had considered trying to "bow out" because my headache was so intense before we left, but I had promised her that we would do it. I also know that the temperatures in Saint Paul will only climb over the next few days. If I "had" to do it, I figured today was the best bet. We will see if her interest continues. Still, I must remember that doing physical things with my daughter will certainly help me to build physical strength.
The final element of the day is that I managed to do all of this, while finding time to do a little work and to rest. The challenge remains for me to be "content" with what I accomplish versus frustrated by what I left "undone." That is where I need to keep using this blog and self talk and my friends and family. All of those things constantly remind me that I am a good person. Opening myself to that will continue to make me whole. I also must remember that one (or two or one hundred) "bad" days don't mean that I have failed. They are simply less.
I performed the yoga this morning, after feeding the cats. I only did the "warm-up," but I did it! I also could feel it helping. We will see how things move forward, but I am hopeful. I practice Kundalini Yoga (there is an online course which is supposed to be free) which focuses on spine energy and breathing. When I did it regularly in the spring and summer of 2005, it helped me tremendously, especially when I was doing it and receiving acupuncture treatments. I am hopeful I will see some similar results by restarting it (and I am once again seeing an acupuncturist too!). One of the greatest benefits is that Kundalini helps with the endocrine system and balancing the brain hemispherically.
My exercise came in an unexpected way. My daughter asked me a couple of days ago if we could go to the local tennis court and the hit ball a little. She has not shown an interest in tennis before, but I was certainly game. It turns out that she is pretty good, especially for her first day. I ran more than I had planned, but we both had fun. I need to find a pattern for my strengthening exercises too, yet how can I not celebrate having a great afternoon with my daughter. I had considered trying to "bow out" because my headache was so intense before we left, but I had promised her that we would do it. I also know that the temperatures in Saint Paul will only climb over the next few days. If I "had" to do it, I figured today was the best bet. We will see if her interest continues. Still, I must remember that doing physical things with my daughter will certainly help me to build physical strength.
The final element of the day is that I managed to do all of this, while finding time to do a little work and to rest. The challenge remains for me to be "content" with what I accomplish versus frustrated by what I left "undone." That is where I need to keep using this blog and self talk and my friends and family. All of those things constantly remind me that I am a good person. Opening myself to that will continue to make me whole. I also must remember that one (or two or one hundred) "bad" days don't mean that I have failed. They are simply less.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Doctor Discretion
At times I get extremely upset with my medical care and that of narcoleptics in general. While some of that frustration is justified, the reality is that most of my physicians have been outstanding. Honestly, only a handful of doctors in the world have a deep understanding of narcolepsy and its causes. In the last few years, the biggest breakthroughs ever have taken place with the discovery of orexin/hypocretin.
Yet even with all of that, I do think that doctors need to learn more about narcolepsy and other sleep disorders. While narcolepsy seems to only affect 1 person in 2500, there are still a number of undiagnosed narcoleptics out there. Far more unnerving are the many people with sleep apnea who are undiagnosed. The importance of sleep is massive and barely understood. Orexin/hypocretin, which is lacking in narcoleptics, was discovered while researching hunger issues. There also may be connections between narcolepsy and MS, Parkinson's, sinus issues and ADHD/ADD. The bottom line is that sleep is vital to our mental and physical health, and many people are going undiagnosed and unhelped.
Of course, in many ways, those of us in the U.S. are lucky. A friend in the U.K. wrote a great article for The Guardian. It came out today and details that massive numbers of people in the U.K. are going undiagnosed due to their health systems unwillingness to recognize these conditions. It is sad that so many people are being hurt because of a systemic problem. Of course, one could argue that the U.S. has a similar issue in the way that health insurance companies tend to control what doctors can and cannot do. Still, we don't seem to have quite the problem that Great Britain does.
I realize that narcolepsy and other sleep conditions are incredibly difficult to diagnose, but so many people are made to feel like hypocondriacs. Because narcolepsy is rare and the primary symptom is Excessive Daytime Sleepiness (a fancy way to say extreme fatigue), most doctors explore a multitude of issues before even considering narcolepsy. Worse, some doctors never explore narcolepsy! Unfortunately, even specialists who are the "experts" in narcolepsy sometimes don't have much practical experience treating the condition. As a result they (and certainly a vast number of general practicioners) miss some of the signs because they don't match the "textbook" descriptions of narcolpesy symptoms. And, because we are only now just beginning to understand narcolepsy, the disease is likely far more diverse than anyone suspects.
Yet even with all of that, I do think that doctors need to learn more about narcolepsy and other sleep disorders. While narcolepsy seems to only affect 1 person in 2500, there are still a number of undiagnosed narcoleptics out there. Far more unnerving are the many people with sleep apnea who are undiagnosed. The importance of sleep is massive and barely understood. Orexin/hypocretin, which is lacking in narcoleptics, was discovered while researching hunger issues. There also may be connections between narcolepsy and MS, Parkinson's, sinus issues and ADHD/ADD. The bottom line is that sleep is vital to our mental and physical health, and many people are going undiagnosed and unhelped.
Of course, in many ways, those of us in the U.S. are lucky. A friend in the U.K. wrote a great article for The Guardian. It came out today and details that massive numbers of people in the U.K. are going undiagnosed due to their health systems unwillingness to recognize these conditions. It is sad that so many people are being hurt because of a systemic problem. Of course, one could argue that the U.S. has a similar issue in the way that health insurance companies tend to control what doctors can and cannot do. Still, we don't seem to have quite the problem that Great Britain does.
I realize that narcolepsy and other sleep conditions are incredibly difficult to diagnose, but so many people are made to feel like hypocondriacs. Because narcolepsy is rare and the primary symptom is Excessive Daytime Sleepiness (a fancy way to say extreme fatigue), most doctors explore a multitude of issues before even considering narcolepsy. Worse, some doctors never explore narcolepsy! Unfortunately, even specialists who are the "experts" in narcolepsy sometimes don't have much practical experience treating the condition. As a result they (and certainly a vast number of general practicioners) miss some of the signs because they don't match the "textbook" descriptions of narcolpesy symptoms. And, because we are only now just beginning to understand narcolepsy, the disease is likely far more diverse than anyone suspects.
Psychiatric Sounding
I saw my psychiatrist today. I actually love going to see him because he has such a gentle presence. I also like the chance to have a mini-talk therapy session with him. He always reads my therapist's notes before we meet. It is comforting to know that my care is being coordinated between two people that I trust. I also enjoy watching his brain work when he is pondering the drugs that I am taking and what may or may not be a good direction for my anti-depressants.
Today, though, continued the theme that my therapy session began a week ago - being good to me. The funniest, and most unnerving, moment came when my psychiatrist bascially barked at me to put things down and to do a two minute breathing exercise. I had been saying that I need to demand space in my day for doing yoga and exercise, then he pounced. He made the point that often is it had to find the 40 minutes needed for yoga. Instead, he challenged me to use little windows to just mindfully breathe for two minutes.
He made me do it right then! I sat upright in the chair, put my feet flat on the floor, and inhaled deeply. The long, slow exhale was then followed by a couple shallow breaths. Inhale deeply, exhale slow, let all of the tension sink into the chair. Simply release it. Invariably, I felt one thousand times better in that moment. Doing that 4-5 times a day will make a world of difference.
I acknowledged, and he agreed, that the challenge is now to REMEMBER to do it. That brief exercise, and others like it, need to become habit for me. It won't solve everything, but it certainly will help. I still have yoga and exercise as goals - making those habitual as well - but finding tiny ways to balance my day will be an even bigger victory. Within all of it though, I must remember that my narcolepsy makes everything tough. I will forget to breathe some days. I won't have the energy for yoga at times. I will explode despite doing everything "right." It is the reality of my condition. And, that too is okay.
Today, though, continued the theme that my therapy session began a week ago - being good to me. The funniest, and most unnerving, moment came when my psychiatrist bascially barked at me to put things down and to do a two minute breathing exercise. I had been saying that I need to demand space in my day for doing yoga and exercise, then he pounced. He made the point that often is it had to find the 40 minutes needed for yoga. Instead, he challenged me to use little windows to just mindfully breathe for two minutes.
He made me do it right then! I sat upright in the chair, put my feet flat on the floor, and inhaled deeply. The long, slow exhale was then followed by a couple shallow breaths. Inhale deeply, exhale slow, let all of the tension sink into the chair. Simply release it. Invariably, I felt one thousand times better in that moment. Doing that 4-5 times a day will make a world of difference.
I acknowledged, and he agreed, that the challenge is now to REMEMBER to do it. That brief exercise, and others like it, need to become habit for me. It won't solve everything, but it certainly will help. I still have yoga and exercise as goals - making those habitual as well - but finding tiny ways to balance my day will be an even bigger victory. Within all of it though, I must remember that my narcolepsy makes everything tough. I will forget to breathe some days. I won't have the energy for yoga at times. I will explode despite doing everything "right." It is the reality of my condition. And, that too is okay.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Physically Failing
I wish I knew how to surf. If I did, I could honestly say, "narcolepsy is like riding a big wave - you know you are going to crash eventually, it just depends on how much it will hurt this time." Sadly, I don't surf so I have no idea how accurate that statement is. Still, I feel like the wave won BIG time this weekend. I have gotten some stuff done, but I was supposed to be cheering on my ultimate team and playing a few points. Instead, I awoke yesterday with a summer cold in full bloom. My wife and daughter both had it, but there was about a week lag between theirs clearing up and mine. I made the right choice and stayed home, but I hate missing the tournament.
I also know that part of me "getting" sick was trying to do more than I should when I practiced on Wednesday. I am "out of shape" and run down. Now, I can certainly still play ultimate decently even in this condition, but it comes at a price. The longer I live with knowledge of my narcolepsy, the more I realize how "good" I became at pushing myself well beyond my physical limits. I am sure that parts of my other health woes stem from me using up energy that should have gone to my immune system and digestion. Even now, as I have been generally healthier since starting narcolepsy treatment, I can feel my health slip when I do too much. The four weeks of full time teaching in a five week period was a terrible decision, but so is playing ultimate at full speed (or as full as I can go) when I am still recovering from that teaching.
I definitely need to do some thinking during this next week. Is it wise for me to try to practice two days a week right now? I definitely MUST start an exercise routine since my back and knees are not doing well and my weight keeps creeping up now that I am on blood pressure meds. But, are two to three hour intense practices a good decision? Beyond that, does it make sense to try to go to all day tournaments when I can't honestly function well in my own home for an entire day? The hard part in this is that I LOVE this team I am on. I love spending time with them and I do contribute in tangible ways. I need what my team gives me, but does that outweigh the potential negatives to my physical health? I just don't know.
I think I need to email my captains to see what they think. I also need to discuss it with my wife. She is incredible at helping me gain perspective. I, sadly, am terrible at limits. I need to block out my day so I have set periods for exercise and yoga. Without those, I shouldn't be thinking about doing anything physical (or much else for that matter). My endurance is WAY down. Part of that is the narcolepsy, but part of it too is simply atrophying due to not balancing my schedule and activities. I need to be stronger just so I can teach part-time effectively and still be present at home.
Even as I wrote that, it hurts. I know that the right thing is to see if I can still come to some practices, but plan to not play in tournaments. I am trying not to wallow in the idea that ultimate is one more thing that narcolepsy has cost me. I don't want to "quit," but I do think it is unrealistic of me to expect that I will be in any kind of condition to play well and consistently for extended periods right now. I just don't have that level of fitness. AND, I am not disciplined enough to control myself at a practice or tournament. I WILL play when I shouldn't - I always have. And, as a result, I will make myself ill. I still will have the conversations with people, but I need to be good to me. Hopefully, making a decision like this will also motivate me to create the space for exercise and yoga.
The final rotten thing about this weekend is that I haven't done much at home either. It is one thing to miss the tournament if I am being productive at home. It is another thing to know that much of the crap looming in my mind is still there, AND I am not having fun cheering on my teammates. But, pushing now will mean prolonged health issues. I just need to keep taking one step at a time. I can't finish everything at once - ever! There will always be work and there will always be more to do. I need to rest and get healthy. That way, I can exercise wisely and begin to build strength.
I also know that part of me "getting" sick was trying to do more than I should when I practiced on Wednesday. I am "out of shape" and run down. Now, I can certainly still play ultimate decently even in this condition, but it comes at a price. The longer I live with knowledge of my narcolepsy, the more I realize how "good" I became at pushing myself well beyond my physical limits. I am sure that parts of my other health woes stem from me using up energy that should have gone to my immune system and digestion. Even now, as I have been generally healthier since starting narcolepsy treatment, I can feel my health slip when I do too much. The four weeks of full time teaching in a five week period was a terrible decision, but so is playing ultimate at full speed (or as full as I can go) when I am still recovering from that teaching.
I definitely need to do some thinking during this next week. Is it wise for me to try to practice two days a week right now? I definitely MUST start an exercise routine since my back and knees are not doing well and my weight keeps creeping up now that I am on blood pressure meds. But, are two to three hour intense practices a good decision? Beyond that, does it make sense to try to go to all day tournaments when I can't honestly function well in my own home for an entire day? The hard part in this is that I LOVE this team I am on. I love spending time with them and I do contribute in tangible ways. I need what my team gives me, but does that outweigh the potential negatives to my physical health? I just don't know.
I think I need to email my captains to see what they think. I also need to discuss it with my wife. She is incredible at helping me gain perspective. I, sadly, am terrible at limits. I need to block out my day so I have set periods for exercise and yoga. Without those, I shouldn't be thinking about doing anything physical (or much else for that matter). My endurance is WAY down. Part of that is the narcolepsy, but part of it too is simply atrophying due to not balancing my schedule and activities. I need to be stronger just so I can teach part-time effectively and still be present at home.
Even as I wrote that, it hurts. I know that the right thing is to see if I can still come to some practices, but plan to not play in tournaments. I am trying not to wallow in the idea that ultimate is one more thing that narcolepsy has cost me. I don't want to "quit," but I do think it is unrealistic of me to expect that I will be in any kind of condition to play well and consistently for extended periods right now. I just don't have that level of fitness. AND, I am not disciplined enough to control myself at a practice or tournament. I WILL play when I shouldn't - I always have. And, as a result, I will make myself ill. I still will have the conversations with people, but I need to be good to me. Hopefully, making a decision like this will also motivate me to create the space for exercise and yoga.
The final rotten thing about this weekend is that I haven't done much at home either. It is one thing to miss the tournament if I am being productive at home. It is another thing to know that much of the crap looming in my mind is still there, AND I am not having fun cheering on my teammates. But, pushing now will mean prolonged health issues. I just need to keep taking one step at a time. I can't finish everything at once - ever! There will always be work and there will always be more to do. I need to rest and get healthy. That way, I can exercise wisely and begin to build strength.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Dream Day
Occasionally I manage to realize that life is good. Luckily, I have a wife and daughter who make even my worst days with narcolepsy worth every second. Today definitely was a day worth remembering. Not only did I manage to get somethings done around the house and for my teaching, but also I enjoyed wonderful moments with my wife and my daughter. More than anything, I want to learn how to cherish these moments on hold onto them for days when things are far less wonderful.
The "day" actually started last night. My wife and I had a wonderful evening together and simply got the chance to appreciate one another. When "today" officially started, I just up and didn't feel too run down from ultimate last night (although I am a tad worried about the extra "congestion" today). I then had a good morning and got some work done. My daughter and I then headed off to a movie.
We saw Mamma Mia - it is fantastic!!!!! But, even better than the movie (better than the ABBA music, even) was the fact that I was spending time with my daughter. We had a great time laughing even before the film started. We both noticed the dearth of men in the theater. I was one of perhaps five men in attendance - I think there were seventy plus people in the theater. My daughter found this hysterical. Once the movie began, she obviously enjoyed it and I found it riotously funny. Seriously, they took ABBA songs and built a story around them - what could be funnier than that!?! Amanda Seyfried and Meryl Streep are incredible, and the entire supporting cast is amazing. I LOVE that Stellan Skarsgard is in the film, and Pierce Brosnan and Colin Firth completely cracked me up. I can't wait to see it again.
Still, the best moments simply involved my daughter and me. I have a tendency to laugh quite loudly, so one can imagine that I was a tad noisy. My daughter chose to periodically cover my mouth to deaden the noise. Later, she observed that it was good my sister was not there. Her aunt tends to laugh louder and harder than me, so the poor girl would have been even more embarrassed. I also love to watch the entire credits, and my daughter enjoys it too (plus, there was still ABBA music this time). As a result, I got the chance to point out to her that the entire film was dominated by women - director, producer, writer, etc. I love that she can see that since too often film remains horribly over dominated by men.
We then went to a late lunch. That was better than the movie. We got a chance to talk and share. We chatted about the movie, plans for the coming weeks, school, her friends, everything. I pray that she and I can continue to connect. I want her to find her own path in the world, but I also want her to know that I will always love her and support her. I also hope that I can model behaviors that will help her cope with life's hardships. My wife said something cool the other day. Perhaps part of the reason I have narcolepsy is to slow down enough and find balance enough that I can help my daughter learn how to cope with the curve balls of the human condition. It is an incredibly cool way to look at things, rather than my ongoing fear that I have cursed my daughter with narcolepsy (both having to live with me and passing it to her genetically). Those fears are things I can't control, but I certainly have a say in how I interact with her and deal with my struggles.
After our lunch, we wandered in a book store for a while and then headed home. She needed to get ready to go to a friend's house for an overnight. We even stopped for some ice cream on the way home. I managed to get some yard work done and then settled in to relax. She got ready and then headed off with her friend's family. My daughter is amazing and I feel blessed to have her in my life. I see so much of myself in her, good and bad, but want to see just her - not reflections of me. She has such vest for life. I pray she never loses that. I do worry that she may be narcoleptic. She definitely has some weird health things already, not the least of which is horrific sinuses. If she does wind up testing positive for narcolepsy some day, I hope that she has learned from me good ways to live with it.
The "day" actually started last night. My wife and I had a wonderful evening together and simply got the chance to appreciate one another. When "today" officially started, I just up and didn't feel too run down from ultimate last night (although I am a tad worried about the extra "congestion" today). I then had a good morning and got some work done. My daughter and I then headed off to a movie.
We saw Mamma Mia - it is fantastic!!!!! But, even better than the movie (better than the ABBA music, even) was the fact that I was spending time with my daughter. We had a great time laughing even before the film started. We both noticed the dearth of men in the theater. I was one of perhaps five men in attendance - I think there were seventy plus people in the theater. My daughter found this hysterical. Once the movie began, she obviously enjoyed it and I found it riotously funny. Seriously, they took ABBA songs and built a story around them - what could be funnier than that!?! Amanda Seyfried and Meryl Streep are incredible, and the entire supporting cast is amazing. I LOVE that Stellan Skarsgard is in the film, and Pierce Brosnan and Colin Firth completely cracked me up. I can't wait to see it again.
Still, the best moments simply involved my daughter and me. I have a tendency to laugh quite loudly, so one can imagine that I was a tad noisy. My daughter chose to periodically cover my mouth to deaden the noise. Later, she observed that it was good my sister was not there. Her aunt tends to laugh louder and harder than me, so the poor girl would have been even more embarrassed. I also love to watch the entire credits, and my daughter enjoys it too (plus, there was still ABBA music this time). As a result, I got the chance to point out to her that the entire film was dominated by women - director, producer, writer, etc. I love that she can see that since too often film remains horribly over dominated by men.
We then went to a late lunch. That was better than the movie. We got a chance to talk and share. We chatted about the movie, plans for the coming weeks, school, her friends, everything. I pray that she and I can continue to connect. I want her to find her own path in the world, but I also want her to know that I will always love her and support her. I also hope that I can model behaviors that will help her cope with life's hardships. My wife said something cool the other day. Perhaps part of the reason I have narcolepsy is to slow down enough and find balance enough that I can help my daughter learn how to cope with the curve balls of the human condition. It is an incredibly cool way to look at things, rather than my ongoing fear that I have cursed my daughter with narcolepsy (both having to live with me and passing it to her genetically). Those fears are things I can't control, but I certainly have a say in how I interact with her and deal with my struggles.
After our lunch, we wandered in a book store for a while and then headed home. She needed to get ready to go to a friend's house for an overnight. We even stopped for some ice cream on the way home. I managed to get some yard work done and then settled in to relax. She got ready and then headed off with her friend's family. My daughter is amazing and I feel blessed to have her in my life. I see so much of myself in her, good and bad, but want to see just her - not reflections of me. She has such vest for life. I pray she never loses that. I do worry that she may be narcoleptic. She definitely has some weird health things already, not the least of which is horrific sinuses. If she does wind up testing positive for narcolepsy some day, I hope that she has learned from me good ways to live with it.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Therapy Thoughts
I had a great session of therapy this morning. One of the best moments came when I realized how often I allow the external to dictate my mood. I have known that for years, but the stunning realization was that I rarely, if ever, actively seek to make situations work for me. When things begin to go wrong, I simply push ahead and cope. Rather than stepping back and factoring my own well-being into the equation, I prioritize everything else ahead of myself. In fact, I doubt I even consider what the impact of the situation might eventually be on me.
The "aha" came as my therapist and I were discussing my meltdown in the car a week ago Saturday (my lovely moment in Maple Grove - aka Hell). At any point, I could have stopped my car, gotten out, and let off steam by walking around. I didn't though. I just kept pushing forward, sinking lower and lower into my frustration. In hindsight, it seems so obvious to take care of myself, but I lose sight of me in those moments (actually, I do that in most moments).
Even more fascinating is that I was already in a desperate place when I left the house on that Saturday. I had had a rotten morning and was late. While I tried to remain calm in the car, I was horribly on edge. Arriving at the meeting to find no one there, certainly added to negative spiral. In all of that, though, I never once thought about doing something for me - other than my ineffective (at that moment) self-talk. What I need to do is find a set of options that I can use when everything starts to crumble, particularly at the outset - rather than during the nervous breakdown in the parking lot of some putrid strip mall, during Sidewalk Spending Spree Special!
I also know that much of my angst and anxiety in those moments comes from trying to control the uncontrollable. The Serenity Prayer definitely needs to become a primary resource in my toolbox. But, the reality is that using a guided mediation or doing yoga for 10-15 minutes or even reading something like Thich Nhat Hanh will help me let go in amazingly tangible ways. I also can make phone calls, but I definitely think that active engagement internally is something that I need to explore. My therapist offered the thought that I might rely on my extroverted nature too much to "help" my mood. I think she is right. Using meditative techniques to provide internal ballast will give me greater strength when things continue to go wrong externally. My Maple Grove moment even provides an example of that. After I finally escaped from the parking lot, I called my wife - the greatest source of support in my life. Hearing her voice bought me tremendous peace...until I realized that the gas option I thought I could use would not work. That might have been the most dangerous moment for me. Things seemed to be getting better, but another disappointment drained every ounce of hope from me.
I know that many dark days remain ahead, but I am intruiged and excited about this new insight. I already wanted to start doing yoga again - I know I need it. Now, though, I have even more incentive (always a good thing with me). I need to restart yoga and regularize my day to practice balance with mediations and breathing exercises. The goal is to find a schedule structure for the day - one that lets me stay on an even keel while helping in the house AND taking care of myself. I believe more than ever that I can get there.
The "aha" came as my therapist and I were discussing my meltdown in the car a week ago Saturday (my lovely moment in Maple Grove - aka Hell). At any point, I could have stopped my car, gotten out, and let off steam by walking around. I didn't though. I just kept pushing forward, sinking lower and lower into my frustration. In hindsight, it seems so obvious to take care of myself, but I lose sight of me in those moments (actually, I do that in most moments).
Even more fascinating is that I was already in a desperate place when I left the house on that Saturday. I had had a rotten morning and was late. While I tried to remain calm in the car, I was horribly on edge. Arriving at the meeting to find no one there, certainly added to negative spiral. In all of that, though, I never once thought about doing something for me - other than my ineffective (at that moment) self-talk. What I need to do is find a set of options that I can use when everything starts to crumble, particularly at the outset - rather than during the nervous breakdown in the parking lot of some putrid strip mall, during Sidewalk Spending Spree Special!
I also know that much of my angst and anxiety in those moments comes from trying to control the uncontrollable. The Serenity Prayer definitely needs to become a primary resource in my toolbox. But, the reality is that using a guided mediation or doing yoga for 10-15 minutes or even reading something like Thich Nhat Hanh will help me let go in amazingly tangible ways. I also can make phone calls, but I definitely think that active engagement internally is something that I need to explore. My therapist offered the thought that I might rely on my extroverted nature too much to "help" my mood. I think she is right. Using meditative techniques to provide internal ballast will give me greater strength when things continue to go wrong externally. My Maple Grove moment even provides an example of that. After I finally escaped from the parking lot, I called my wife - the greatest source of support in my life. Hearing her voice bought me tremendous peace...until I realized that the gas option I thought I could use would not work. That might have been the most dangerous moment for me. Things seemed to be getting better, but another disappointment drained every ounce of hope from me.
I know that many dark days remain ahead, but I am intruiged and excited about this new insight. I already wanted to start doing yoga again - I know I need it. Now, though, I have even more incentive (always a good thing with me). I need to restart yoga and regularize my day to practice balance with mediations and breathing exercises. The goal is to find a schedule structure for the day - one that lets me stay on an even keel while helping in the house AND taking care of myself. I believe more than ever that I can get there.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Sweet Survival
I made it! I worried a bit (irrationally, of course) that I might not survive MITY this time, but I did. I think the toughest thing this past week was knowing that I was completely overextended. Even as I adjusted elements of my life, I understood it was not enough. What I needed was to NOT be at MITY from 8:30 AM to 4 PM, while still trying to do somethings for my family and starting the prep work for this fall. Sadly, that was not possible. The class is two weeks long, and I had no "sub." Thus, I dragged myself out of bed and forced my body through another exhausting day - all week.
The crazy part is that I still did a good job. My six students all gave me good views for the class. I know they learn things from me and from their research. Heck, I learned things from them and from all of our research. That part was outstanding. I just wish I hadn't been so tired so I could have given them more. Frighteningly, I wish even more that I had NOT had to teach the class. The money was great, and I did enjoy it. But, I will need a week or two to recover fully from the overkill. Still, I honored my commitment. I also know that I will not be doing Session B again. I hate losing something that I love, but I can't do it. As much as this past two weeks was good, I truly did not enjoy the experience. I don't want to teach when I am not enjoying it.
My fear in all of this is that I might reach a point that Session A also loses its appeal. And then, it could be my regular teaching job. I hope I am correct in my thinking that the biggest problem with Session B was that 4 four weeks of full-time work is just light years beyond my physical limitations. I know that working part-time at my school last year resulted in me missing the fewest days ever. That is a great sign. Recognizing and respecting my limits tremendously boosts the quality of my life.
I also just need to keep remembering that so much of this (my life and the narcolepsy) is out of my hands. I do need to open myself more to the love of God and the love of my family and friends. MANY people care about me and want to help me. The more I let them into my life, the better my days will be. I am blessed in many ways, and I want to share those blessings. But, I can't do anything alone, and often, trying to do that does far more harm than good. I am flawed and I am a good person. Being both is not paradoxical; it is being human.
The crazy part is that I still did a good job. My six students all gave me good views for the class. I know they learn things from me and from their research. Heck, I learned things from them and from all of our research. That part was outstanding. I just wish I hadn't been so tired so I could have given them more. Frighteningly, I wish even more that I had NOT had to teach the class. The money was great, and I did enjoy it. But, I will need a week or two to recover fully from the overkill. Still, I honored my commitment. I also know that I will not be doing Session B again. I hate losing something that I love, but I can't do it. As much as this past two weeks was good, I truly did not enjoy the experience. I don't want to teach when I am not enjoying it.
My fear in all of this is that I might reach a point that Session A also loses its appeal. And then, it could be my regular teaching job. I hope I am correct in my thinking that the biggest problem with Session B was that 4 four weeks of full-time work is just light years beyond my physical limitations. I know that working part-time at my school last year resulted in me missing the fewest days ever. That is a great sign. Recognizing and respecting my limits tremendously boosts the quality of my life.
I also just need to keep remembering that so much of this (my life and the narcolepsy) is out of my hands. I do need to open myself more to the love of God and the love of my family and friends. MANY people care about me and want to help me. The more I let them into my life, the better my days will be. I am blessed in many ways, and I want to share those blessings. But, I can't do anything alone, and often, trying to do that does far more harm than good. I am flawed and I am a good person. Being both is not paradoxical; it is being human.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Emphatically Ender
I have no idea how many people have read Orson Scott Card's Ender's Game (or the numerous books that followed it in the world of the Enderverse), but I absolutely adore the entire series. I am also thrilled that Mr. Card is continuing the story with Ender in Exile that is due in bookstores on November 11, 2008. He even has a final Bean book in the works called Shadows in Flight. All of this is on my mind of late because I have been teaching my MITY course called The Enemy Gate is Down: The Stories of Ender, Bean & You. While I have been fortunate enough to teach some of my passions at MITY the last couple of years (J.R.R. Tolkien and King Arthur), I find the nature of Orson Scott Card's material to be compelling to me in a fascinating way.
Some of the draw for me is the philosophical and ethical concepts that Mr. Card instills within these works. He explores fascinating ideas in each book, pushing both his readers and his characters. Whether it is the ethics of self-preservation or the morality of loyalty over common sense, Card constantly challenges what each person believes. The other powerful element within this construct is that rarely does Card deliver a character or issue that is clearly good or evil. He forces the reader to examine cultural conflict, species conflict, ideas like murder and self-defense, vengeance, relativism, fundamentalism, traditional values, contemporary attitudes, peaceful resistance, and military aggression. I honestly believe that I could weigh the issues in any one of Card's novels for months and still not reach a definitive conclusion. As a result, it forces me (and I would guess others) to rely on my own insights and beliefs to place the events of the book within a framework. Thus, I grow in my own faith, just as the characters do.
Perhaps it is that growth that attracts me the most. Ender (Andrew Wiggin) in particular fascinates me. He embodies much of what I hope to be. Ender gives unconditionally, speaks directly and lives his life with honesty and purpose. Often, by simply telling the truth, he forces situations to become both volatile and healthy. Too often in Western culture do we allow ourselves to skirt the actual problems in our relationships. Andrew, though, refuses to do that. The outcome is often painful at first, but allows people to become whole again in the end. I work to achieve those same skills. The other element that stuns me is Andrew's ability to hold firm to his own ideals while still respecting those of everyone he encounters. In many ways, Ender is an ethnorelativist. Instead of judging everyone and everything through his own lens, Andrew forces himself to look at the intents of the other, as well as this person's beliefs and ideals. While such behavior can be uncomfortable, it is a tremendous way to connect with others and to show them that you honor who they are. It doesn't mean that you approve or even agree with their actions, but it opens the possibilities of communication. By meeting the other as equal, Ender accomplishes amazing things.
I would love to possess that ability too. I hope that I am growing in that way. I don't see it as changing my beliefs to fit with everyone else. Rather, I see it as a way to connect across the numerous issues that often divide humans from one another. We are so quick to judge that which is different and does not fit our own world view. Ender's attitude of mutual respect frees us, by letting us still hold our own views while also accepting those of another. We aren't saying that person's creed is better than our own, but we are also not placing ours above hers or his. What a better place our world could be if we work toward genuine tolerance.
Even though Ender has such an enlightened mind, I am also drawn to him because Card lets us see that his fears and insecurities still remain. As a child Ender is trained to command an entire fleet of star ships. He does not know that he is eventually commanding a real fleet, but eventually wipes out an entire sentient species. Initially, he finds himself overwhelmed by the news, but he recovers and becomes the amazing man I describe above. He even spends much of his life trying to re-establish the creatures he destroyed. But, even with all of that, Ender still harbors his own self doubts. He never does completely forgive himself. I have no idea if others feel that too, but that aspect of Ender touches me to the core. Although I often know cognitively that I am forgiven for terrible things that I have done, I still hold on to many of the darkest aspects of the shame and regret that I feel. Certainly, I work hard to let that forgiveness penetrate to the depths of my soul, but I also know that it remains in hidden corners, waiting for the low and exhausted moments of my life so it can rear back and strike me down yet again. Andrew Wiggin is everything I would love to be, but even he remains fundamentally flawed. That is impressive and makes these books great.
More than anything, Orson Scott Card's Ender and Bean books give me hope. I find personal inspiration in them, but I also see great messages for our world. At the core of most of them Card features brilliant children and young adults. He sees a wisdom in them that is often lacking in adults. More accurately, Card recognizes that the honesty and idealism of youth often get lost in the practicality and safety of adulthood. It thrills me to no end that I get to spend my life working with brilliant young adults. Our world likely would be a much brighter place if we extended more trust to them and let them have genuine power. Orson Scott Card forces us to see the world in whole new ways. We could all use that push to break our own paradigms. I keep trying to re-orient my own life to see things around me through multiple sets of eyes. Like Ender and Bean, when I am in the "Battle Room" that is life, I try to remember that gravity can suddenly disappear so I can adjust my perspective to know, "the enemy's gate is down."
Some of the draw for me is the philosophical and ethical concepts that Mr. Card instills within these works. He explores fascinating ideas in each book, pushing both his readers and his characters. Whether it is the ethics of self-preservation or the morality of loyalty over common sense, Card constantly challenges what each person believes. The other powerful element within this construct is that rarely does Card deliver a character or issue that is clearly good or evil. He forces the reader to examine cultural conflict, species conflict, ideas like murder and self-defense, vengeance, relativism, fundamentalism, traditional values, contemporary attitudes, peaceful resistance, and military aggression. I honestly believe that I could weigh the issues in any one of Card's novels for months and still not reach a definitive conclusion. As a result, it forces me (and I would guess others) to rely on my own insights and beliefs to place the events of the book within a framework. Thus, I grow in my own faith, just as the characters do.
Perhaps it is that growth that attracts me the most. Ender (Andrew Wiggin) in particular fascinates me. He embodies much of what I hope to be. Ender gives unconditionally, speaks directly and lives his life with honesty and purpose. Often, by simply telling the truth, he forces situations to become both volatile and healthy. Too often in Western culture do we allow ourselves to skirt the actual problems in our relationships. Andrew, though, refuses to do that. The outcome is often painful at first, but allows people to become whole again in the end. I work to achieve those same skills. The other element that stuns me is Andrew's ability to hold firm to his own ideals while still respecting those of everyone he encounters. In many ways, Ender is an ethnorelativist. Instead of judging everyone and everything through his own lens, Andrew forces himself to look at the intents of the other, as well as this person's beliefs and ideals. While such behavior can be uncomfortable, it is a tremendous way to connect with others and to show them that you honor who they are. It doesn't mean that you approve or even agree with their actions, but it opens the possibilities of communication. By meeting the other as equal, Ender accomplishes amazing things.
I would love to possess that ability too. I hope that I am growing in that way. I don't see it as changing my beliefs to fit with everyone else. Rather, I see it as a way to connect across the numerous issues that often divide humans from one another. We are so quick to judge that which is different and does not fit our own world view. Ender's attitude of mutual respect frees us, by letting us still hold our own views while also accepting those of another. We aren't saying that person's creed is better than our own, but we are also not placing ours above hers or his. What a better place our world could be if we work toward genuine tolerance.
Even though Ender has such an enlightened mind, I am also drawn to him because Card lets us see that his fears and insecurities still remain. As a child Ender is trained to command an entire fleet of star ships. He does not know that he is eventually commanding a real fleet, but eventually wipes out an entire sentient species. Initially, he finds himself overwhelmed by the news, but he recovers and becomes the amazing man I describe above. He even spends much of his life trying to re-establish the creatures he destroyed. But, even with all of that, Ender still harbors his own self doubts. He never does completely forgive himself. I have no idea if others feel that too, but that aspect of Ender touches me to the core. Although I often know cognitively that I am forgiven for terrible things that I have done, I still hold on to many of the darkest aspects of the shame and regret that I feel. Certainly, I work hard to let that forgiveness penetrate to the depths of my soul, but I also know that it remains in hidden corners, waiting for the low and exhausted moments of my life so it can rear back and strike me down yet again. Andrew Wiggin is everything I would love to be, but even he remains fundamentally flawed. That is impressive and makes these books great.
More than anything, Orson Scott Card's Ender and Bean books give me hope. I find personal inspiration in them, but I also see great messages for our world. At the core of most of them Card features brilliant children and young adults. He sees a wisdom in them that is often lacking in adults. More accurately, Card recognizes that the honesty and idealism of youth often get lost in the practicality and safety of adulthood. It thrills me to no end that I get to spend my life working with brilliant young adults. Our world likely would be a much brighter place if we extended more trust to them and let them have genuine power. Orson Scott Card forces us to see the world in whole new ways. We could all use that push to break our own paradigms. I keep trying to re-orient my own life to see things around me through multiple sets of eyes. Like Ender and Bean, when I am in the "Battle Room" that is life, I try to remember that gravity can suddenly disappear so I can adjust my perspective to know, "the enemy's gate is down."
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Hemispheric Wholeness (Holistically)
My Saturday was a nightmare, with the exception of two things. First, a dear friend sent me an amazing video clip to watch, which helped to save the weekend. Second, I spent Saturday evening (and most of Sunday) with my amazing wife, celebrating her birthday (and our anniversary) and reveling in her beauty and joy. What amazes me most, though, is that I easily could have thrown all of the good parts of Saturday right out of the window. I came home tired and frustrated; then, I rallied!
The day began when I awoke feeling worse than I had on Friday night - never a good sign. My bowels were screaming (a lovely treat that continued throughout the day). I also had no energy - even getting up to feed the cats wiped me out. Immediately, I started in on myself mentally. I had told my ultimate captains that I would definitely be at Saturday's practice. I had even blown off a friend's move to make sure that I could go. But, I also knew that, the way I was feeling, two hours (or more) of practice would destroy me. My wife and I had plans for the evening to celebrate our 17th anniversary and her 40th birthday. I wrestled with the guilt and the practicality and the irrationality and the frustration that plague me constantly, particularly when I am completely run down.
Gratefully, my wife saw this and asked me if I was beating myself up over ultimate. We had a good conversation, and I made the wise decision to skip practice. Everything else aside, playing ultimate would have been a terrible decision just for my physical health. Not only are my knees bothering me a great deal again, but the aforementioned bowel issues would have made me grossly uncomfortable at the fields. I even managed to pass more than gas in a few of my "better" moments in the morning.
Having made that first wise, but rotten, decision, I then tried to do something. I picked up a few things, started some laundry, and even got most of our door handles fixed. I also made myself late for the one other event I had scheduled. The MOONS group was planning on meeting on Saturday. The gathering was taking place in Maple Grove, MN at a coffee shop. I arrived 20 minutes late, but could find no one there that I remembered from the large meeting I had attended at the end of May. In variably I was angry at myself for being late. I also worried that I might be at the wrong coffee shop. As much as I wanted to be mad at others in the event that the meeting had been canceled or that not many people showed up so the first arrivals went home, most of my ire was reserved for me alone. I did attempt to log into my computer to see if I had missed a message if I got the info wrong, but I would have had to pay for access. I was able to discover that a second branch of the coffee shop was elsewhere in Maple Grove. I had no idea if it was on the correct street, though.
Thus, around 1:30 (ten+ minutes after my arrival), I set off down the street on which I knew the coffee shop was supposed to be. As far as I could tell there were no other branches on the street. At that point, I figured that I should cut my losses. I planned to stop at a few stores and then head home so I could enjoy my time with my wife. My disappointment and guilt had not abated, but I was proud of myself for still being productive, even as I beat myself up. Before stopping, though, I had to get gas. My warning light had been on since I had left home, and I had driven quite a ways.
Thinking I was getting away from the shopping areas, I made a turn at a light. Unfortunately, that turn took me into one of the primary shopping areas in Maple Grove. The entire region I was in was a store mecca, but this particular grouping seemed to be the major host of "Sidewalk Sale Days." No matter were I went, I could not get out of the lot. After forty minutes, I eventually got out. My car had been running the entire time, and I had regularly thought I had found a route out only to realize it was another dead end. I am quite sure that the only thing that kept me from ramming something with my car was a constant stream of self-talk. Much of it was me trying to calm myself, but it was also reprimands reminding me of the damage that I would do. Needless to say, I was immensely relief to escape that literal, personal hell.
I then called my wife so she could know things were not going well. I was already calming myself, heading back to the stores I wanted to visit, because I had seen gas pumps there as I was leaving (but figured it would be harder to get to those than find others - ha!). I was just finishing the call when I pulled into the pumps...only to realize that CostCo only lets their members use them. On the verge of tears, I told my wife that I would call my sister (who lives in Maple Grove) if I ran out of gas. I honestly thought I might, as much as I am prone to hyperbole. Thankfully, I found gas right away. I even had a gallon to spare - gotta love Hondas! I then did the shopping that I wanted and headed home. Even at home, knowing that I needed to get ready, I tried to do one last door knob. Not only did it not work, but I also managed to cut open a finger.
So, I feel horrid, have had an awful day and completely blame myself for all of it. I am supposed to go to dinner and then a hotel with my wife to celebrate her birthday and our anniversary. Part of me knew the entire situation was doomed. But, I rallied. I was still out of sorts in the car, but did my best to be pleasant with my wife. By the time we got to the restaurant my mood was decent. And, as our food arrived, I was genuinely enjoying myself. We had a phenomenal meal, bought some cool furniture for our home and had an amazing stay at the hotel. I was proud of myself, but I also recognized that I found a valuable lesson in my Saturday.
A kind friend shared a video with me on Saturday. I actually watched it before heading out on my disastrous trip to Maple Grove. The video can be found at TED Ideas Worth Spreading. TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, Design. In 1984 a conference was started to bring people from these areas together. Now, it is much more with science, education, the arts and business also being represented. Basically, the conference is help each year (along with many other activities) to allow great thinkers from all of these fields to share an eighteen minute story. Many of the talks are now available online.
The video my friend shared is Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a brain scientist, telling the story of her own stroke. The direct link to it is http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html. The story itself is breath-taking (and funny and sad and wonderful), but her insight from the experience stunned me. She nearly died, but what she found so remarkable is that the stroke afforded her the opportunity to realize that she could "live" in either her right brain (where everything is beautiful and we are all connected internally and externally) or in her left brain (where everything is ordered and tasked and categorized). She chooses the right side. Now, Dr. Taylor is not saying that the left side is bad, but she raises the issue that the left side is the one that most of us choose.
Having heard that message on Saturday, I then went out and lived completely in the left side of my brain. There were things to do, tasks to complete. I wasn't getting them done and that was bad. My left side pushed harder and I continued to fail. My left side knew I wouldn't and couldn't measure up so it drove into me as harder as it could. I nearly broke. Coming home, though, and knowing that my wife is why I had wanted things to go the way I had planned them (in my left brain), helped me to let go of it. I am not fully sure how I did it, but I handed power over to my right brain. I opened myself to everything around me that is beautiful. I let myself, even after the morning and afternoon insanity, appreciate everything that was good. I am glad I didn't have to have a stroke to see that.
The other important realization that came out of Saturday's near nightmare is that my wife is the most important person in my life. As she pointed out to me as we awoke in each other's arms on Sunday - "We are soul mates." While the two of us have radically different personalities, we come together beautifully. I don't want to overwhelm her with the stress of my condition, but I also can't hold myself back from her. NOTHING makes my world brighter and more complete than spending time with my wife. She ignites joy inside me everything we connect. I am grateful that I didn't blow our evening on Saturday - partly because it would have ruined her birthday, but also because I learned again how vital she is to my well-being.
I am not foolish enough to think that I will not be in my left brain often. That is part of who I am. But, I will be making a much more concerted effort to allow my right brain plenty of time to revel in the connections that I have to everyone and everything around me. I also know that my wife can't be the sole source of my support, but I do need to let her fill the primary role far more often than I have been letting her. I need to open myself, in general, to all of those people around me who do want to love me and help me. The finally irony of the video and the way things turned out this weekend is that I have been teaching my Ender and Bean course for a week. One of the major themes in the Ender books is the philotic connection that exists between people (and atoms and cells and everything). As I watched Dr. Taylor speak about the right brain, I thought - "that's the philotic connection!" Then, on Sunday morning when I realized that my right brain had taken over and saved the night, I knew that much of the love and joy I experience when I am present with my wife is also the philotic connection. Suddenly, my Orson Scott Card class didn't feel as much like SciFi any more. I may still wind up showing the class the Dr. Taylor video, but none the less, I now feel like I have a much better insight into my own class due to this weekend.
The day began when I awoke feeling worse than I had on Friday night - never a good sign. My bowels were screaming (a lovely treat that continued throughout the day). I also had no energy - even getting up to feed the cats wiped me out. Immediately, I started in on myself mentally. I had told my ultimate captains that I would definitely be at Saturday's practice. I had even blown off a friend's move to make sure that I could go. But, I also knew that, the way I was feeling, two hours (or more) of practice would destroy me. My wife and I had plans for the evening to celebrate our 17th anniversary and her 40th birthday. I wrestled with the guilt and the practicality and the irrationality and the frustration that plague me constantly, particularly when I am completely run down.
Gratefully, my wife saw this and asked me if I was beating myself up over ultimate. We had a good conversation, and I made the wise decision to skip practice. Everything else aside, playing ultimate would have been a terrible decision just for my physical health. Not only are my knees bothering me a great deal again, but the aforementioned bowel issues would have made me grossly uncomfortable at the fields. I even managed to pass more than gas in a few of my "better" moments in the morning.
Having made that first wise, but rotten, decision, I then tried to do something. I picked up a few things, started some laundry, and even got most of our door handles fixed. I also made myself late for the one other event I had scheduled. The MOONS group was planning on meeting on Saturday. The gathering was taking place in Maple Grove, MN at a coffee shop. I arrived 20 minutes late, but could find no one there that I remembered from the large meeting I had attended at the end of May. In variably I was angry at myself for being late. I also worried that I might be at the wrong coffee shop. As much as I wanted to be mad at others in the event that the meeting had been canceled or that not many people showed up so the first arrivals went home, most of my ire was reserved for me alone. I did attempt to log into my computer to see if I had missed a message if I got the info wrong, but I would have had to pay for access. I was able to discover that a second branch of the coffee shop was elsewhere in Maple Grove. I had no idea if it was on the correct street, though.
Thus, around 1:30 (ten+ minutes after my arrival), I set off down the street on which I knew the coffee shop was supposed to be. As far as I could tell there were no other branches on the street. At that point, I figured that I should cut my losses. I planned to stop at a few stores and then head home so I could enjoy my time with my wife. My disappointment and guilt had not abated, but I was proud of myself for still being productive, even as I beat myself up. Before stopping, though, I had to get gas. My warning light had been on since I had left home, and I had driven quite a ways.
Thinking I was getting away from the shopping areas, I made a turn at a light. Unfortunately, that turn took me into one of the primary shopping areas in Maple Grove. The entire region I was in was a store mecca, but this particular grouping seemed to be the major host of "Sidewalk Sale Days." No matter were I went, I could not get out of the lot. After forty minutes, I eventually got out. My car had been running the entire time, and I had regularly thought I had found a route out only to realize it was another dead end. I am quite sure that the only thing that kept me from ramming something with my car was a constant stream of self-talk. Much of it was me trying to calm myself, but it was also reprimands reminding me of the damage that I would do. Needless to say, I was immensely relief to escape that literal, personal hell.
I then called my wife so she could know things were not going well. I was already calming myself, heading back to the stores I wanted to visit, because I had seen gas pumps there as I was leaving (but figured it would be harder to get to those than find others - ha!). I was just finishing the call when I pulled into the pumps...only to realize that CostCo only lets their members use them. On the verge of tears, I told my wife that I would call my sister (who lives in Maple Grove) if I ran out of gas. I honestly thought I might, as much as I am prone to hyperbole. Thankfully, I found gas right away. I even had a gallon to spare - gotta love Hondas! I then did the shopping that I wanted and headed home. Even at home, knowing that I needed to get ready, I tried to do one last door knob. Not only did it not work, but I also managed to cut open a finger.
So, I feel horrid, have had an awful day and completely blame myself for all of it. I am supposed to go to dinner and then a hotel with my wife to celebrate her birthday and our anniversary. Part of me knew the entire situation was doomed. But, I rallied. I was still out of sorts in the car, but did my best to be pleasant with my wife. By the time we got to the restaurant my mood was decent. And, as our food arrived, I was genuinely enjoying myself. We had a phenomenal meal, bought some cool furniture for our home and had an amazing stay at the hotel. I was proud of myself, but I also recognized that I found a valuable lesson in my Saturday.
A kind friend shared a video with me on Saturday. I actually watched it before heading out on my disastrous trip to Maple Grove. The video can be found at TED Ideas Worth Spreading. TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, Design. In 1984 a conference was started to bring people from these areas together. Now, it is much more with science, education, the arts and business also being represented. Basically, the conference is help each year (along with many other activities) to allow great thinkers from all of these fields to share an eighteen minute story. Many of the talks are now available online.
The video my friend shared is Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a brain scientist, telling the story of her own stroke. The direct link to it is http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html. The story itself is breath-taking (and funny and sad and wonderful), but her insight from the experience stunned me. She nearly died, but what she found so remarkable is that the stroke afforded her the opportunity to realize that she could "live" in either her right brain (where everything is beautiful and we are all connected internally and externally) or in her left brain (where everything is ordered and tasked and categorized). She chooses the right side. Now, Dr. Taylor is not saying that the left side is bad, but she raises the issue that the left side is the one that most of us choose.
Having heard that message on Saturday, I then went out and lived completely in the left side of my brain. There were things to do, tasks to complete. I wasn't getting them done and that was bad. My left side pushed harder and I continued to fail. My left side knew I wouldn't and couldn't measure up so it drove into me as harder as it could. I nearly broke. Coming home, though, and knowing that my wife is why I had wanted things to go the way I had planned them (in my left brain), helped me to let go of it. I am not fully sure how I did it, but I handed power over to my right brain. I opened myself to everything around me that is beautiful. I let myself, even after the morning and afternoon insanity, appreciate everything that was good. I am glad I didn't have to have a stroke to see that.
The other important realization that came out of Saturday's near nightmare is that my wife is the most important person in my life. As she pointed out to me as we awoke in each other's arms on Sunday - "We are soul mates." While the two of us have radically different personalities, we come together beautifully. I don't want to overwhelm her with the stress of my condition, but I also can't hold myself back from her. NOTHING makes my world brighter and more complete than spending time with my wife. She ignites joy inside me everything we connect. I am grateful that I didn't blow our evening on Saturday - partly because it would have ruined her birthday, but also because I learned again how vital she is to my well-being.
I am not foolish enough to think that I will not be in my left brain often. That is part of who I am. But, I will be making a much more concerted effort to allow my right brain plenty of time to revel in the connections that I have to everyone and everything around me. I also know that my wife can't be the sole source of my support, but I do need to let her fill the primary role far more often than I have been letting her. I need to open myself, in general, to all of those people around me who do want to love me and help me. The finally irony of the video and the way things turned out this weekend is that I have been teaching my Ender and Bean course for a week. One of the major themes in the Ender books is the philotic connection that exists between people (and atoms and cells and everything). As I watched Dr. Taylor speak about the right brain, I thought - "that's the philotic connection!" Then, on Sunday morning when I realized that my right brain had taken over and saved the night, I knew that much of the love and joy I experience when I am present with my wife is also the philotic connection. Suddenly, my Orson Scott Card class didn't feel as much like SciFi any more. I may still wind up showing the class the Dr. Taylor video, but none the less, I now feel like I have a much better insight into my own class due to this weekend.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Annoyance of Adulthood
Generally, I love being a "grown up." My wife and I have a good income, and we own our home. My age allows me to have a level of authority. Store clerks rarely look askance at my presence in their stores, unlike my younger days when they thought I might be a troublemaker or shoplifter. Certainly, I enjoy the privilege of enfranchisement, and although I don't drink, I like that I can purchase a bottle of wine for my wife or a friend. I even like that being an adult makes me less concerned about the anti-depressants that I take. The bad thing, though, is the feelings of responsibility that seem to accompany this stage of life.
Both my narcolepsy and my age continue to cause me to recognize more limits in my life. The latest came yesterday. I am in the midst of teaching my second class at MITY - The Enemy Gate is Down: The Stories of Ender, Bean & You. The class focuses on the Ender and Bean series of books from Orson Scott Card. I adore the books and LOVE teaching the class. The problem is that I simply don't have the energy to go all day any more. Even more frustrating is that I also need to start planning for my course at my school. Thus, my team has had two meetings already this week. We have a third tonight. I am thrilled and excited to work with them. I know it will be fantastic. I even find these summer meetings incredible. But, between MITY and the evening meetings, I went from 7:30 AM to 9+ PM the first two nights this week. THEN, I worked more on my MITY course. That will be my schedule again tonight.
I know now that teaching this Session B course was a mistake. Again, I love doing it, but I physically can't. Making the decision to only do Session A next year is the "right" one, but I hate it. I get so much out of working in this program, but it is irresponsible of me to do it because as much as I enjoy the work, I know the course could be better and that I am dropping the ball on everything at home and that I have no energy for anything but the course and that I will need a week or two (maybe more to recover). While some of those issues impact others (mostly my wife and daughter), I am more concerned about how much they impact me. Yes, I do wish that I could still function well enough to appreciate the joy of MITY, but I don't. The negative emotions are definitely outweighing the positive.
The bigger (and more immediate) "grown up" negative, though, has been my lack of ultimate. The sport has always been a vital part of my "balance," especially in the summer. Unfortunately, both my Session A and Session B courses and the narcolepsy have prevented me from making any practices for a month. I had hoped the slower pace of my second class would let me get to practice this week, but I realized Wednesday morning that if I did go to practice that night, it would mean FOUR days in a row (counting today) that I would be in high gear from 7:30 AM to 9+ PM. That is not just foolish - it is bordering on dangerous. I dragged my body out of bed this morning even without the physical exercise. My knees have also regressed in the last month because I have been putting literally 95% of my energy into my MITY courses. What little is left, I have tried to give to my wife and daughter. I honestly have no time or strength to do the PT exercises that I learned. Thus, practicing for ultimate becomes dangerous at another level.
All of this lead me to the highly responsible decision to not go to Wednesday practice, and I already told the captains that I would miss next Wednesday too. But, it makes me so sad. I NEED to have ultimate and my team in my life. They are a vital component of my sanity, but my "adultness" knows that at least this year, my commitments must take precedence. I agreed to teach this second class, thus I MUST be here every day. And, I MUST be prepared for it. Also, I MUST meet with my team for the next school year. That is not an option. We all have crazy summers, and the times this week were in the handful of dates that we could meet. There is NO WAY that I am willing to sacrifice that needed time.
So, some of my frustration is a result of things out of my control. Another piece is the result of my own inability to prioritize myself over the needs of others - that is neither good nor bad, it just is. I just wish it didn't hurt so much having to chose between so many things that I care about. One of the worst elements of narcolepsy is that I not only fear that I will have to give up other important things to me, but also that I already have had to give up vital pieces of myself and am well aware that my fear is actually my reality. I have to accept that. In fact, as I wrestled with missing more practice yesterday, the thought again crept into my head that I might have to give up ultimate, at least from a competitive club perspective. Honestly, how can I justify 1 or 2 three hour practices each week and three to five full weekends of time commitment throughout the summer and fall when I can barely do my part-time job and be present for my wife and daughter? I truly don't know. Am I being selfish? Or foolish? Or smart? Is what I get from playing with my team enough to counteract what it costs me in energy and emotional stability when I feel guilty for not doing more for my family?
Being an adult is a good thing, but it comes with a heavy price. So often as a child, I could afford to have my self-interests guide everything I did. I can't do that now. I am married and have a daughter and love my job and have a chronic illness. All of that means that I must prioritize and choose and eliminate. What is important to me? What do I need? Some days, those questions are easy, but often they are extremely hard. And, this awful condition means that I get to keep trying to cutting away at who and what I am. That is the reality. As much as my meds "help," they do not and cannot "cure" this. They make me functional in a limited way. I can still summon tremendous energy in limited windows of time. I can still be an excellent teacher because I feed off others as an extrovert, but pushing well beyond my boundaries costs me. Thus, the burden rests with me to decide what I should and should not do. It can't be any other way, but I also do not have to like it. And, I don't.
Both my narcolepsy and my age continue to cause me to recognize more limits in my life. The latest came yesterday. I am in the midst of teaching my second class at MITY - The Enemy Gate is Down: The Stories of Ender, Bean & You. The class focuses on the Ender and Bean series of books from Orson Scott Card. I adore the books and LOVE teaching the class. The problem is that I simply don't have the energy to go all day any more. Even more frustrating is that I also need to start planning for my course at my school. Thus, my team has had two meetings already this week. We have a third tonight. I am thrilled and excited to work with them. I know it will be fantastic. I even find these summer meetings incredible. But, between MITY and the evening meetings, I went from 7:30 AM to 9+ PM the first two nights this week. THEN, I worked more on my MITY course. That will be my schedule again tonight.
I know now that teaching this Session B course was a mistake. Again, I love doing it, but I physically can't. Making the decision to only do Session A next year is the "right" one, but I hate it. I get so much out of working in this program, but it is irresponsible of me to do it because as much as I enjoy the work, I know the course could be better and that I am dropping the ball on everything at home and that I have no energy for anything but the course and that I will need a week or two (maybe more to recover). While some of those issues impact others (mostly my wife and daughter), I am more concerned about how much they impact me. Yes, I do wish that I could still function well enough to appreciate the joy of MITY, but I don't. The negative emotions are definitely outweighing the positive.
The bigger (and more immediate) "grown up" negative, though, has been my lack of ultimate. The sport has always been a vital part of my "balance," especially in the summer. Unfortunately, both my Session A and Session B courses and the narcolepsy have prevented me from making any practices for a month. I had hoped the slower pace of my second class would let me get to practice this week, but I realized Wednesday morning that if I did go to practice that night, it would mean FOUR days in a row (counting today) that I would be in high gear from 7:30 AM to 9+ PM. That is not just foolish - it is bordering on dangerous. I dragged my body out of bed this morning even without the physical exercise. My knees have also regressed in the last month because I have been putting literally 95% of my energy into my MITY courses. What little is left, I have tried to give to my wife and daughter. I honestly have no time or strength to do the PT exercises that I learned. Thus, practicing for ultimate becomes dangerous at another level.
All of this lead me to the highly responsible decision to not go to Wednesday practice, and I already told the captains that I would miss next Wednesday too. But, it makes me so sad. I NEED to have ultimate and my team in my life. They are a vital component of my sanity, but my "adultness" knows that at least this year, my commitments must take precedence. I agreed to teach this second class, thus I MUST be here every day. And, I MUST be prepared for it. Also, I MUST meet with my team for the next school year. That is not an option. We all have crazy summers, and the times this week were in the handful of dates that we could meet. There is NO WAY that I am willing to sacrifice that needed time.
So, some of my frustration is a result of things out of my control. Another piece is the result of my own inability to prioritize myself over the needs of others - that is neither good nor bad, it just is. I just wish it didn't hurt so much having to chose between so many things that I care about. One of the worst elements of narcolepsy is that I not only fear that I will have to give up other important things to me, but also that I already have had to give up vital pieces of myself and am well aware that my fear is actually my reality. I have to accept that. In fact, as I wrestled with missing more practice yesterday, the thought again crept into my head that I might have to give up ultimate, at least from a competitive club perspective. Honestly, how can I justify 1 or 2 three hour practices each week and three to five full weekends of time commitment throughout the summer and fall when I can barely do my part-time job and be present for my wife and daughter? I truly don't know. Am I being selfish? Or foolish? Or smart? Is what I get from playing with my team enough to counteract what it costs me in energy and emotional stability when I feel guilty for not doing more for my family?
Being an adult is a good thing, but it comes with a heavy price. So often as a child, I could afford to have my self-interests guide everything I did. I can't do that now. I am married and have a daughter and love my job and have a chronic illness. All of that means that I must prioritize and choose and eliminate. What is important to me? What do I need? Some days, those questions are easy, but often they are extremely hard. And, this awful condition means that I get to keep trying to cutting away at who and what I am. That is the reality. As much as my meds "help," they do not and cannot "cure" this. They make me functional in a limited way. I can still summon tremendous energy in limited windows of time. I can still be an excellent teacher because I feed off others as an extrovert, but pushing well beyond my boundaries costs me. Thus, the burden rests with me to decide what I should and should not do. It can't be any other way, but I also do not have to like it. And, I don't.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Missing Mother Nature
My wife, daughter and I are in northwestern Minnesota, staying with some wonderful friends. Today's plan was to head to Itasca State Park and do some biking. We could not have picked a better day! The sun was beautiful, the temperature stayed in a wonderful range, and the whole group had a fantastic time. Our friends have two boys, one a year older than our daughter and one a year younger. They all get along well, and today all of them held their own biking for close to six miles. Add to that the decent hills we all had to climb at times, and I admit that they impressed me. We made a great stop for lunch at Douglas Lodge, a beautiful historical site in the park. I HIGHLY recommend the Wild Rice Salad - it was delicious. We then biked the nearly six miles back, let the kids swim and even watch the children (and my wife) build a wonderful sand castle.
The entire day has served as a reminder to me that I need to get outside more. So often, I cut myself off from everything as a result of the narcolepsy. Fearing that I will push too hard or that I will wear myself out quickly, I avoid doing "extra" things. I LOVE hiking and biking through beautiful parks, yet I rarely do that any more. Certainly, some of that is the result of making other choices, which I often enjoy, but I do turn down plenty of chances simply because I am afraid. I definitely know that I don't like explaining how the narcolepsy tires me. I also dislike the feeling that I am a burden to others because I get so wiped out. Rather than risk those things, I often look for ways to back out (or simply decline the invitation in the first place).
In fact, I almost did it today. Some small part of me wanted to just stay at our friends' home while everyone else went biking. Fortunately, that voice was tiny. What was not minuscule was the voice screaming at me when something went wrong with my bike upon our arrival at the park. The stem of my rear tire ripped out. Worse, it was likely my fault. My wife was trying to inflate the tire and I am positive I told her the wrong way to do it. Nonetheless, my entire rear tire was flat and beyond repair. My immediate reaction was to bail on the ride. I honestly told everyone to go. Our friends then let us know that there was a bike rental and repair place at the next stop on the park drive. I did convince everyone to get started and told them that I would deal with the tire and go from there.
Yes, part of me still wanted to scrap the whole thing, but I mustered my courage and drove to the bike place. It was even closer than they thought. I still felt horribly sheepish, because I needed help (yes, I know that is foolish, but I am who I am). As I turned to look for a parking spot, I noticed that everyone else was waiting at the bike shop. I was furious, mostly because I was already dealing with it, but also because I still didn't want to be a burden. I eventually found parking and figured they had headed out. As I carried my bike toward the shop, I saw my daughter and wife and nearly melted down. I figured they had decided to wait for me and sent our friends ahead. The pressure of the entire situation came close to consuming me.
My interaction with my wife was more than tense and all due to me. It turns out the husband, when he realized that the bike shop was so close, figured he could get back to fix the tire before I left the other lot. I tried to apologize to my wife, but we both needed time (I did approach her a few more times throughout the day and all is well). The husband soon returned from his jaunt to the other lot. While my ego and energy were in tatters, I did accept the help. He fixed it in a matter of minutes. Then, we all set off for our excellent day.
While I certainly wish that none of the problems had happened, I am also grateful that they did. I need to learn how to accept help. I need to let others do things for me. Beyond that, I must recognize that sending everyone else ahead without me is not being brave and thoughtful. It is being selfish and cowardly. My family and our friends would have been worried about me and certainly would have missed me the entire time. By letting our friend help me, I allowed this excellent day to happen. If I had been wise enough to do it immediately, my wife and I would not have need me to apologize repeatedly. I do hope that old dogs can learn new tricks because I honestly want to do that. The best thing in all of this is that I not only opened myself to help, I remained open to enjoying the day. Certainly, I am tired and the narcolepsy crept in a times during the ride and the lunch, but I would have deeply regreted missing this day.
The entire day has served as a reminder to me that I need to get outside more. So often, I cut myself off from everything as a result of the narcolepsy. Fearing that I will push too hard or that I will wear myself out quickly, I avoid doing "extra" things. I LOVE hiking and biking through beautiful parks, yet I rarely do that any more. Certainly, some of that is the result of making other choices, which I often enjoy, but I do turn down plenty of chances simply because I am afraid. I definitely know that I don't like explaining how the narcolepsy tires me. I also dislike the feeling that I am a burden to others because I get so wiped out. Rather than risk those things, I often look for ways to back out (or simply decline the invitation in the first place).
In fact, I almost did it today. Some small part of me wanted to just stay at our friends' home while everyone else went biking. Fortunately, that voice was tiny. What was not minuscule was the voice screaming at me when something went wrong with my bike upon our arrival at the park. The stem of my rear tire ripped out. Worse, it was likely my fault. My wife was trying to inflate the tire and I am positive I told her the wrong way to do it. Nonetheless, my entire rear tire was flat and beyond repair. My immediate reaction was to bail on the ride. I honestly told everyone to go. Our friends then let us know that there was a bike rental and repair place at the next stop on the park drive. I did convince everyone to get started and told them that I would deal with the tire and go from there.
Yes, part of me still wanted to scrap the whole thing, but I mustered my courage and drove to the bike place. It was even closer than they thought. I still felt horribly sheepish, because I needed help (yes, I know that is foolish, but I am who I am). As I turned to look for a parking spot, I noticed that everyone else was waiting at the bike shop. I was furious, mostly because I was already dealing with it, but also because I still didn't want to be a burden. I eventually found parking and figured they had headed out. As I carried my bike toward the shop, I saw my daughter and wife and nearly melted down. I figured they had decided to wait for me and sent our friends ahead. The pressure of the entire situation came close to consuming me.
My interaction with my wife was more than tense and all due to me. It turns out the husband, when he realized that the bike shop was so close, figured he could get back to fix the tire before I left the other lot. I tried to apologize to my wife, but we both needed time (I did approach her a few more times throughout the day and all is well). The husband soon returned from his jaunt to the other lot. While my ego and energy were in tatters, I did accept the help. He fixed it in a matter of minutes. Then, we all set off for our excellent day.
While I certainly wish that none of the problems had happened, I am also grateful that they did. I need to learn how to accept help. I need to let others do things for me. Beyond that, I must recognize that sending everyone else ahead without me is not being brave and thoughtful. It is being selfish and cowardly. My family and our friends would have been worried about me and certainly would have missed me the entire time. By letting our friend help me, I allowed this excellent day to happen. If I had been wise enough to do it immediately, my wife and I would not have need me to apologize repeatedly. I do hope that old dogs can learn new tricks because I honestly want to do that. The best thing in all of this is that I not only opened myself to help, I remained open to enjoying the day. Certainly, I am tired and the narcolepsy crept in a times during the ride and the lunch, but I would have deeply regreted missing this day.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Better and Less Blah
I wanted to let folks know that posting yesterday did help, a little. I still am not able to internalize the "good" of my work yesterday, but it did help me accept the frustration. Even more importantly, I was less upset this morning when I realize that my wife stayed up half the night getting the house into pristine condition. She truly is amazing! At the same time, a huge piece of me wanted to scream - at me! She should NOT have to lose hours of sleep just because of my inability to function well. That said, I did not scream. I did feel some guilt, but far less than I expected. We even had an excellent discussion in the car. She told me that my efforts had allowed her to get started. Since the kitchen was vastly improved by my work, she felt like she could take it the next step. Plus, she assured me that she stopped after each task and weighed the prospect of continuing.
I was also able to repay her, but driving for the last two-fifths of our trip today. I knew I would be fine, but also knew that my sleep had been off, so I was a tad worried. Nonetheless, I got us to our friends' place safely and allowed my wife to rest. She is having a great day, and I too have enjoyed spending time with people we love. Likely, we will be biking in a State Park tomorrow and then let the rest of the day unfold as it will. I have even managed to get some prepping done for next week. We will see what tomorrow brings.
I know that the rest of my days will be spent facing the challenges that narcolepsy brings. I also know that some days will simply be awful. What gives me hope is that I am slowly getting better at not just accepting my condition, but also recognizing and accepting the emotions - good and bad - that arise in this journey. I do wish that I could feel elated when I have a productive day, but I can't - not yet. Whether it is an unwillingness to be satisfied with lowered expectations, or the ridiculous perfectionism that has plagued me throughout life, I am not pleased with what I got done yesterday (or today). My brain knows it is great, but my heart and soul remain unconvinced. I can't change that other than by repeatedly articulating (to the world and myself) what IS good about it. All of this philosophical rambling does give a new meaning to "Independence Day" - at least for me! Enjoy the fourth and the fireworks. I will be in bed when they being and likely asleep before they end, but that is one decision that even my perfectionism and sub-conscious KNOW is right.
I was also able to repay her, but driving for the last two-fifths of our trip today. I knew I would be fine, but also knew that my sleep had been off, so I was a tad worried. Nonetheless, I got us to our friends' place safely and allowed my wife to rest. She is having a great day, and I too have enjoyed spending time with people we love. Likely, we will be biking in a State Park tomorrow and then let the rest of the day unfold as it will. I have even managed to get some prepping done for next week. We will see what tomorrow brings.
I know that the rest of my days will be spent facing the challenges that narcolepsy brings. I also know that some days will simply be awful. What gives me hope is that I am slowly getting better at not just accepting my condition, but also recognizing and accepting the emotions - good and bad - that arise in this journey. I do wish that I could feel elated when I have a productive day, but I can't - not yet. Whether it is an unwillingness to be satisfied with lowered expectations, or the ridiculous perfectionism that has plagued me throughout life, I am not pleased with what I got done yesterday (or today). My brain knows it is great, but my heart and soul remain unconvinced. I can't change that other than by repeatedly articulating (to the world and myself) what IS good about it. All of this philosophical rambling does give a new meaning to "Independence Day" - at least for me! Enjoy the fourth and the fireworks. I will be in bed when they being and likely asleep before they end, but that is one decision that even my perfectionism and sub-conscious KNOW is right.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Balanced and Blah
So, I had a productive day - sort of. I mowed the lawn, watered everything, got more dishes done, prepped a bunch for my next MITY class, spent time with my daughter and even got the bike rack on our car for the trip tomorrow. I also managed to rest, a few different times during the day. On the whole, the day certainly was as close as I could ask to being a good day. Yet, I felt out of sorts throughout it.
I don't want to analyze why I felt that way. I know, rationally and logically, that today went well. I also know that my sub-conscious mind and other deeper parts of my psyche are still not open to accepting a day like today as great, or even good. that reality certainly won't change tonight, or tomorrow, or probably even next week (or month for that matter). I do know that I need to acknowledge the feelings. I am trying not to be frustrated about my reaction to the day. It is what it is. Getting mad at myself won't change that, nor would it do me any good to pretend like the day was wonderful from an emotional standpoint.
What I hope is that by writing this blog, I can own the day - all of it. I achieved much. I would like to praise myself for that - and mean it. For whatever reason I can cognitively recognize the "good" in my efforts, but I can't open myself to joy such activities should engender. Rather than rage about my inadequacies, I simply want to acknowledge my sadness about this. By sharing the situation I think that I will eventually be more at peace with my narcolepsy and the ways that it is changing my life. We will see.
I don't want to analyze why I felt that way. I know, rationally and logically, that today went well. I also know that my sub-conscious mind and other deeper parts of my psyche are still not open to accepting a day like today as great, or even good. that reality certainly won't change tonight, or tomorrow, or probably even next week (or month for that matter). I do know that I need to acknowledge the feelings. I am trying not to be frustrated about my reaction to the day. It is what it is. Getting mad at myself won't change that, nor would it do me any good to pretend like the day was wonderful from an emotional standpoint.
What I hope is that by writing this blog, I can own the day - all of it. I achieved much. I would like to praise myself for that - and mean it. For whatever reason I can cognitively recognize the "good" in my efforts, but I can't open myself to joy such activities should engender. Rather than rage about my inadequacies, I simply want to acknowledge my sadness about this. By sharing the situation I think that I will eventually be more at peace with my narcolepsy and the ways that it is changing my life. We will see.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Helping Hands
Today, July 1, felt like my first day of summer. Not only was the mercury climbing into that uncomfortable range of high 80s (I may be Minnesotan, but uncomfortable heat can't be anything less than 88 degree - unlike many Minnesotans who balk at 80), but also I actually had a fairly relaxed day. Granted, I still had WAY too much on my internal check list (of which only a couple of items got ticked), but I did things for me today. I did that and still spent time with my daughter, provided support for my wife and even had lunch with a dear friend. Days like this make me remember that the concept of "balance" is not just a concept. It actually happens some days - I can NEVER count on it taking place, but everybody has good luck some time.
The aspect of today that grounded it so well was more time at Langford Chiropractic. I know that I rave about them often, but the entire staff is a huge piece of my coping. I continue to utilize the tremendous skills of my acupuncturist. In fact I saw her on Monday - that would be the 15 minute late appointment. She not only managed to get me in, but she also got me out on time. I'm late, but still got the full treatment and left with my day back on track. The best thing is that my acupuncturist managed to hit perfect spots for my high stress and low energy.
Today, I received equally impressive treatment from my massage therapist and my chiropractor. As I have written before, my muscles live in a constant state of tension. They have always been this way, but I know that my stimulants have made them much worse. Because of that I have an ocean of sympathy for my massage therapist. Incredibly, she is usually able to get most of my muscles to release. More impressively, she does that without "hurting" me. Do I experience pain? Of course, but even when she is working on the worst muscles, I know that the pressure she applies will allow the muscle to heal. Her strength is phenomenal. I was particularly worried today, though, because I wondered if we would ever move past my face. The two weeks of MITY took such a toll on me that even my jaw muscles were still clenched. Eventually, the massage progressed to my shoulders. Again, I wondered if my neck and shoulders would consume the rest of my hour. Fortunately, she did what she could (and it was fantastic improvement) and then worked on my back. She had actually joked that she would spend time "chiseling at it." Sadly, that is usually the case. I am blessed that she can do so much to remove tons of toxins from my muscles. I certainly left the room in a vastly improved state.
My chiropractor also managed to make exponential improves in my physical state. She is one of the clinic's owners and has amazing insights into how to improve someone's health. We often joke about the state of my back, especially because she knows that my massage therapist is unbelievable strong. Even my chiropractor was stunned today by how tight everything remained. Still, she worked out quite a few subluxations, even one in my neck that I didn't think she would get. Perhaps the best thing, though, is that I know she cares about my health, particularly in ways that only a handful of physicians have shown me. I realize that managed care limits what MDs can do, but I usually spend less time with my chiropractor than I do with them. Again, I often leave Langford Chiropractic grateful to have such excellent care providers.
Even the office staff brightens my day on a consistent basis. Since I am there every other week, most of the desk and financial staff know me. I am always greeted with a smile and am often asked about my daughter and my day. The entire clinic honestly feels like home. I know all of that is important to me because it is hard for me to ask for help. Without that comfort, I might not be getting acupuncture every other week and using massage and chiropractic work done every three to four weeks. Those three things likely do more for my "balance" than anything else in my life. They are the primary way that I am good to me.
Taking care of myself needs to remain a top priority. I wrote yesterday of prioritizing my life. My psyche is not good at acknowledging this, but I need to be my top priority. I am not good to even my wife and daughter if I am not emotionally and psychologically healthy. Certainly, I will continue to be as physically healthy as I can be too, but that situation is stacked against me. These non-Western approaches are fantastic tools in my maintenance of me. I must begin to reconnect with yoga (and exercise) because it bookends the acupuncture beautifully. When I was doing yoga and acupuncture together, my energy and spirit both reached wonderful heights. Until then, I will continue my trek to the Highland Park neighbor in Saint Paul to visit my favorite medical clinic!
The aspect of today that grounded it so well was more time at Langford Chiropractic. I know that I rave about them often, but the entire staff is a huge piece of my coping. I continue to utilize the tremendous skills of my acupuncturist. In fact I saw her on Monday - that would be the 15 minute late appointment. She not only managed to get me in, but she also got me out on time. I'm late, but still got the full treatment and left with my day back on track. The best thing is that my acupuncturist managed to hit perfect spots for my high stress and low energy.
Today, I received equally impressive treatment from my massage therapist and my chiropractor. As I have written before, my muscles live in a constant state of tension. They have always been this way, but I know that my stimulants have made them much worse. Because of that I have an ocean of sympathy for my massage therapist. Incredibly, she is usually able to get most of my muscles to release. More impressively, she does that without "hurting" me. Do I experience pain? Of course, but even when she is working on the worst muscles, I know that the pressure she applies will allow the muscle to heal. Her strength is phenomenal. I was particularly worried today, though, because I wondered if we would ever move past my face. The two weeks of MITY took such a toll on me that even my jaw muscles were still clenched. Eventually, the massage progressed to my shoulders. Again, I wondered if my neck and shoulders would consume the rest of my hour. Fortunately, she did what she could (and it was fantastic improvement) and then worked on my back. She had actually joked that she would spend time "chiseling at it." Sadly, that is usually the case. I am blessed that she can do so much to remove tons of toxins from my muscles. I certainly left the room in a vastly improved state.
My chiropractor also managed to make exponential improves in my physical state. She is one of the clinic's owners and has amazing insights into how to improve someone's health. We often joke about the state of my back, especially because she knows that my massage therapist is unbelievable strong. Even my chiropractor was stunned today by how tight everything remained. Still, she worked out quite a few subluxations, even one in my neck that I didn't think she would get. Perhaps the best thing, though, is that I know she cares about my health, particularly in ways that only a handful of physicians have shown me. I realize that managed care limits what MDs can do, but I usually spend less time with my chiropractor than I do with them. Again, I often leave Langford Chiropractic grateful to have such excellent care providers.
Even the office staff brightens my day on a consistent basis. Since I am there every other week, most of the desk and financial staff know me. I am always greeted with a smile and am often asked about my daughter and my day. The entire clinic honestly feels like home. I know all of that is important to me because it is hard for me to ask for help. Without that comfort, I might not be getting acupuncture every other week and using massage and chiropractic work done every three to four weeks. Those three things likely do more for my "balance" than anything else in my life. They are the primary way that I am good to me.
Taking care of myself needs to remain a top priority. I wrote yesterday of prioritizing my life. My psyche is not good at acknowledging this, but I need to be my top priority. I am not good to even my wife and daughter if I am not emotionally and psychologically healthy. Certainly, I will continue to be as physically healthy as I can be too, but that situation is stacked against me. These non-Western approaches are fantastic tools in my maintenance of me. I must begin to reconnect with yoga (and exercise) because it bookends the acupuncture beautifully. When I was doing yoga and acupuncture together, my energy and spirit both reached wonderful heights. Until then, I will continue my trek to the Highland Park neighbor in Saint Paul to visit my favorite medical clinic!
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