Physically Failing

I wish I knew how to surf. If I did, I could honestly say, "narcolepsy is like riding a big wave - you know you are going to crash eventually, it just depends on how much it will hurt this time." Sadly, I don't surf so I have no idea how accurate that statement is. Still, I feel like the wave won BIG time this weekend. I have gotten some stuff done, but I was supposed to be cheering on my ultimate team and playing a few points. Instead, I awoke yesterday with a summer cold in full bloom. My wife and daughter both had it, but there was about a week lag between theirs clearing up and mine. I made the right choice and stayed home, but I hate missing the tournament.

I also know that part of me "getting" sick was trying to do more than I should when I practiced on Wednesday. I am "out of shape" and run down. Now, I can certainly still play ultimate decently even in this condition, but it comes at a price. The longer I live with knowledge of my narcolepsy, the more I realize how "good" I became at pushing myself well beyond my physical limits. I am sure that parts of my other health woes stem from me using up energy that should have gone to my immune system and digestion. Even now, as I have been generally healthier since starting narcolepsy treatment, I can feel my health slip when I do too much. The four weeks of full time teaching in a five week period was a terrible decision, but so is playing ultimate at full speed (or as full as I can go) when I am still recovering from that teaching.

I definitely need to do some thinking during this next week. Is it wise for me to try to practice two days a week right now? I definitely MUST start an exercise routine since my back and knees are not doing well and my weight keeps creeping up now that I am on blood pressure meds. But, are two to three hour intense practices a good decision? Beyond that, does it make sense to try to go to all day tournaments when I can't honestly function well in my own home for an entire day? The hard part in this is that I LOVE this team I am on. I love spending time with them and I do contribute in tangible ways. I need what my team gives me, but does that outweigh the potential negatives to my physical health? I just don't know.

I think I need to email my captains to see what they think. I also need to discuss it with my wife. She is incredible at helping me gain perspective. I, sadly, am terrible at limits. I need to block out my day so I have set periods for exercise and yoga. Without those, I shouldn't be thinking about doing anything physical (or much else for that matter). My endurance is WAY down. Part of that is the narcolepsy, but part of it too is simply atrophying due to not balancing my schedule and activities. I need to be stronger just so I can teach part-time effectively and still be present at home.

Even as I wrote that, it hurts. I know that the right thing is to see if I can still come to some practices, but plan to not play in tournaments. I am trying not to wallow in the idea that ultimate is one more thing that narcolepsy has cost me. I don't want to "quit," but I do think it is unrealistic of me to expect that I will be in any kind of condition to play well and consistently for extended periods right now. I just don't have that level of fitness. AND, I am not disciplined enough to control myself at a practice or tournament. I WILL play when I shouldn't - I always have. And, as a result, I will make myself ill. I still will have the conversations with people, but I need to be good to me. Hopefully, making a decision like this will also motivate me to create the space for exercise and yoga.

The final rotten thing about this weekend is that I haven't done much at home either. It is one thing to miss the tournament if I am being productive at home. It is another thing to know that much of the crap looming in my mind is still there, AND I am not having fun cheering on my teammates. But, pushing now will mean prolonged health issues. I just need to keep taking one step at a time. I can't finish everything at once - ever! There will always be work and there will always be more to do. I need to rest and get healthy. That way, I can exercise wisely and begin to build strength.