Therapy Thoughts

I had a great session of therapy this morning. One of the best moments came when I realized how often I allow the external to dictate my mood. I have known that for years, but the stunning realization was that I rarely, if ever, actively seek to make situations work for me. When things begin to go wrong, I simply push ahead and cope. Rather than stepping back and factoring my own well-being into the equation, I prioritize everything else ahead of myself. In fact, I doubt I even consider what the impact of the situation might eventually be on me.

The "aha" came as my therapist and I were discussing my meltdown in the car a week ago Saturday (my lovely moment in Maple Grove - aka Hell). At any point, I could have stopped my car, gotten out, and let off steam by walking around. I didn't though. I just kept pushing forward, sinking lower and lower into my frustration. In hindsight, it seems so obvious to take care of myself, but I lose sight of me in those moments (actually, I do that in most moments).

Even more fascinating is that I was already in a desperate place when I left the house on that Saturday. I had had a rotten morning and was late. While I tried to remain calm in the car, I was horribly on edge. Arriving at the meeting to find no one there, certainly added to negative spiral. In all of that, though, I never once thought about doing something for me - other than my ineffective (at that moment) self-talk. What I need to do is find a set of options that I can use when everything starts to crumble, particularly at the outset - rather than during the nervous breakdown in the parking lot of some putrid strip mall, during Sidewalk Spending Spree Special!

I also know that much of my angst and anxiety in those moments comes from trying to control the uncontrollable. The Serenity Prayer definitely needs to become a primary resource in my toolbox. But, the reality is that using a guided mediation or doing yoga for 10-15 minutes or even reading something like Thich Nhat Hanh will help me let go in amazingly tangible ways. I also can make phone calls, but I definitely think that active engagement internally is something that I need to explore. My therapist offered the thought that I might rely on my extroverted nature too much to "help" my mood. I think she is right. Using meditative techniques to provide internal ballast will give me greater strength when things continue to go wrong externally. My Maple Grove moment even provides an example of that. After I finally escaped from the parking lot, I called my wife - the greatest source of support in my life. Hearing her voice bought me tremendous peace...until I realized that the gas option I thought I could use would not work. That might have been the most dangerous moment for me. Things seemed to be getting better, but another disappointment drained every ounce of hope from me.

I know that many dark days remain ahead, but I am intruiged and excited about this new insight. I already wanted to start doing yoga again - I know I need it. Now, though, I have even more incentive (always a good thing with me). I need to restart yoga and regularize my day to practice balance with mediations and breathing exercises. The goal is to find a schedule structure for the day - one that lets me stay on an even keel while helping in the house AND taking care of myself. I believe more than ever that I can get there.