Hemispheric Wholeness (Holistically)

My Saturday was a nightmare, with the exception of two things. First, a dear friend sent me an amazing video clip to watch, which helped to save the weekend. Second, I spent Saturday evening (and most of Sunday) with my amazing wife, celebrating her birthday (and our anniversary) and reveling in her beauty and joy. What amazes me most, though, is that I easily could have thrown all of the good parts of Saturday right out of the window. I came home tired and frustrated; then, I rallied!

The day began when I awoke feeling worse than I had on Friday night - never a good sign. My bowels were screaming (a lovely treat that continued throughout the day). I also had no energy - even getting up to feed the cats wiped me out. Immediately, I started in on myself mentally. I had told my ultimate captains that I would definitely be at Saturday's practice. I had even blown off a friend's move to make sure that I could go. But, I also knew that, the way I was feeling, two hours (or more) of practice would destroy me. My wife and I had plans for the evening to celebrate our 17th anniversary and her 40th birthday. I wrestled with the guilt and the practicality and the irrationality and the frustration that plague me constantly, particularly when I am completely run down.

Gratefully, my wife saw this and asked me if I was beating myself up over ultimate. We had a good conversation, and I made the wise decision to skip practice. Everything else aside, playing ultimate would have been a terrible decision just for my physical health. Not only are my knees bothering me a great deal again, but the aforementioned bowel issues would have made me grossly uncomfortable at the fields. I even managed to pass more than gas in a few of my "better" moments in the morning.

Having made that first wise, but rotten, decision, I then tried to do something. I picked up a few things, started some laundry, and even got most of our door handles fixed. I also made myself late for the one other event I had scheduled. The MOONS group was planning on meeting on Saturday. The gathering was taking place in Maple Grove, MN at a coffee shop. I arrived 20 minutes late, but could find no one there that I remembered from the large meeting I had attended at the end of May. In variably I was angry at myself for being late. I also worried that I might be at the wrong coffee shop. As much as I wanted to be mad at others in the event that the meeting had been canceled or that not many people showed up so the first arrivals went home, most of my ire was reserved for me alone. I did attempt to log into my computer to see if I had missed a message if I got the info wrong, but I would have had to pay for access. I was able to discover that a second branch of the coffee shop was elsewhere in Maple Grove. I had no idea if it was on the correct street, though.

Thus, around 1:30 (ten+ minutes after my arrival), I set off down the street on which I knew the coffee shop was supposed to be. As far as I could tell there were no other branches on the street. At that point, I figured that I should cut my losses. I planned to stop at a few stores and then head home so I could enjoy my time with my wife. My disappointment and guilt had not abated, but I was proud of myself for still being productive, even as I beat myself up. Before stopping, though, I had to get gas. My warning light had been on since I had left home, and I had driven quite a ways.

Thinking I was getting away from the shopping areas, I made a turn at a light. Unfortunately, that turn took me into one of the primary shopping areas in Maple Grove. The entire region I was in was a store mecca, but this particular grouping seemed to be the major host of "Sidewalk Sale Days." No matter were I went, I could not get out of the lot. After forty minutes, I eventually got out. My car had been running the entire time, and I had regularly thought I had found a route out only to realize it was another dead end. I am quite sure that the only thing that kept me from ramming something with my car was a constant stream of self-talk. Much of it was me trying to calm myself, but it was also reprimands reminding me of the damage that I would do. Needless to say, I was immensely relief to escape that literal, personal hell.

I then called my wife so she could know things were not going well. I was already calming myself, heading back to the stores I wanted to visit, because I had seen gas pumps there as I was leaving (but figured it would be harder to get to those than find others - ha!). I was just finishing the call when I pulled into the pumps...only to realize that CostCo only lets their members use them. On the verge of tears, I told my wife that I would call my sister (who lives in Maple Grove) if I ran out of gas. I honestly thought I might, as much as I am prone to hyperbole. Thankfully, I found gas right away. I even had a gallon to spare - gotta love Hondas! I then did the shopping that I wanted and headed home. Even at home, knowing that I needed to get ready, I tried to do one last door knob. Not only did it not work, but I also managed to cut open a finger.

So, I feel horrid, have had an awful day and completely blame myself for all of it. I am supposed to go to dinner and then a hotel with my wife to celebrate her birthday and our anniversary. Part of me knew the entire situation was doomed. But, I rallied. I was still out of sorts in the car, but did my best to be pleasant with my wife. By the time we got to the restaurant my mood was decent. And, as our food arrived, I was genuinely enjoying myself. We had a phenomenal meal, bought some cool furniture for our home and had an amazing stay at the hotel. I was proud of myself, but I also recognized that I found a valuable lesson in my Saturday.

A kind friend shared a video with me on Saturday. I actually watched it before heading out on my disastrous trip to Maple Grove. The video can be found at TED Ideas Worth Spreading. TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, Design. In 1984 a conference was started to bring people from these areas together. Now, it is much more with science, education, the arts and business also being represented. Basically, the conference is help each year (along with many other activities) to allow great thinkers from all of these fields to share an eighteen minute story. Many of the talks are now available online.

The video my friend shared is Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a brain scientist, telling the story of her own stroke. The direct link to it is http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html. The story itself is breath-taking (and funny and sad and wonderful), but her insight from the experience stunned me. She nearly died, but what she found so remarkable is that the stroke afforded her the opportunity to realize that she could "live" in either her right brain (where everything is beautiful and we are all connected internally and externally) or in her left brain (where everything is ordered and tasked and categorized). She chooses the right side. Now, Dr. Taylor is not saying that the left side is bad, but she raises the issue that the left side is the one that most of us choose.

Having heard that message on Saturday, I then went out and lived completely in the left side of my brain. There were things to do, tasks to complete. I wasn't getting them done and that was bad. My left side pushed harder and I continued to fail. My left side knew I wouldn't and couldn't measure up so it drove into me as harder as it could. I nearly broke. Coming home, though, and knowing that my wife is why I had wanted things to go the way I had planned them (in my left brain), helped me to let go of it. I am not fully sure how I did it, but I handed power over to my right brain. I opened myself to everything around me that is beautiful. I let myself, even after the morning and afternoon insanity, appreciate everything that was good. I am glad I didn't have to have a stroke to see that.

The other important realization that came out of Saturday's near nightmare is that my wife is the most important person in my life. As she pointed out to me as we awoke in each other's arms on Sunday - "We are soul mates." While the two of us have radically different personalities, we come together beautifully. I don't want to overwhelm her with the stress of my condition, but I also can't hold myself back from her. NOTHING makes my world brighter and more complete than spending time with my wife. She ignites joy inside me everything we connect. I am grateful that I didn't blow our evening on Saturday - partly because it would have ruined her birthday, but also because I learned again how vital she is to my well-being.

I am not foolish enough to think that I will not be in my left brain often. That is part of who I am. But, I will be making a much more concerted effort to allow my right brain plenty of time to revel in the connections that I have to everyone and everything around me. I also know that my wife can't be the sole source of my support, but I do need to let her fill the primary role far more often than I have been letting her. I need to open myself, in general, to all of those people around me who do want to love me and help me. The finally irony of the video and the way things turned out this weekend is that I have been teaching my Ender and Bean course for a week. One of the major themes in the Ender books is the philotic connection that exists between people (and atoms and cells and everything). As I watched Dr. Taylor speak about the right brain, I thought - "that's the philotic connection!" Then, on Sunday morning when I realized that my right brain had taken over and saved the night, I knew that much of the love and joy I experience when I am present with my wife is also the philotic connection. Suddenly, my Orson Scott Card class didn't feel as much like SciFi any more. I may still wind up showing the class the Dr. Taylor video, but none the less, I now feel like I have a much better insight into my own class due to this weekend.