Better and Less Blah

I wanted to let folks know that posting yesterday did help, a little. I still am not able to internalize the "good" of my work yesterday, but it did help me accept the frustration. Even more importantly, I was less upset this morning when I realize that my wife stayed up half the night getting the house into pristine condition. She truly is amazing! At the same time, a huge piece of me wanted to scream - at me! She should NOT have to lose hours of sleep just because of my inability to function well. That said, I did not scream. I did feel some guilt, but far less than I expected. We even had an excellent discussion in the car. She told me that my efforts had allowed her to get started. Since the kitchen was vastly improved by my work, she felt like she could take it the next step. Plus, she assured me that she stopped after each task and weighed the prospect of continuing.

I was also able to repay her, but driving for the last two-fifths of our trip today. I knew I would be fine, but also knew that my sleep had been off, so I was a tad worried. Nonetheless, I got us to our friends' place safely and allowed my wife to rest. She is having a great day, and I too have enjoyed spending time with people we love. Likely, we will be biking in a State Park tomorrow and then let the rest of the day unfold as it will. I have even managed to get some prepping done for next week. We will see what tomorrow brings.

I know that the rest of my days will be spent facing the challenges that narcolepsy brings. I also know that some days will simply be awful. What gives me hope is that I am slowly getting better at not just accepting my condition, but also recognizing and accepting the emotions - good and bad - that arise in this journey. I do wish that I could feel elated when I have a productive day, but I can't - not yet. Whether it is an unwillingness to be satisfied with lowered expectations, or the ridiculous perfectionism that has plagued me throughout life, I am not pleased with what I got done yesterday (or today). My brain knows it is great, but my heart and soul remain unconvinced. I can't change that other than by repeatedly articulating (to the world and myself) what IS good about it. All of this philosophical rambling does give a new meaning to "Independence Day" - at least for me! Enjoy the fourth and the fireworks. I will be in bed when they being and likely asleep before they end, but that is one decision that even my perfectionism and sub-conscious KNOW is right.