Sweet Survival

I made it! I worried a bit (irrationally, of course) that I might not survive MITY this time, but I did. I think the toughest thing this past week was knowing that I was completely overextended. Even as I adjusted elements of my life, I understood it was not enough. What I needed was to NOT be at MITY from 8:30 AM to 4 PM, while still trying to do somethings for my family and starting the prep work for this fall. Sadly, that was not possible. The class is two weeks long, and I had no "sub." Thus, I dragged myself out of bed and forced my body through another exhausting day - all week.

The crazy part is that I still did a good job. My six students all gave me good views for the class. I know they learn things from me and from their research. Heck, I learned things from them and from all of our research. That part was outstanding. I just wish I hadn't been so tired so I could have given them more. Frighteningly, I wish even more that I had NOT had to teach the class. The money was great, and I did enjoy it. But, I will need a week or two to recover fully from the overkill. Still, I honored my commitment. I also know that I will not be doing Session B again. I hate losing something that I love, but I can't do it. As much as this past two weeks was good, I truly did not enjoy the experience. I don't want to teach when I am not enjoying it.

My fear in all of this is that I might reach a point that Session A also loses its appeal. And then, it could be my regular teaching job. I hope I am correct in my thinking that the biggest problem with Session B was that 4 four weeks of full-time work is just light years beyond my physical limitations. I know that working part-time at my school last year resulted in me missing the fewest days ever. That is a great sign. Recognizing and respecting my limits tremendously boosts the quality of my life.

I also just need to keep remembering that so much of this (my life and the narcolepsy) is out of my hands. I do need to open myself more to the love of God and the love of my family and friends. MANY people care about me and want to help me. The more I let them into my life, the better my days will be. I am blessed in many ways, and I want to share those blessings. But, I can't do anything alone, and often, trying to do that does far more harm than good. I am flawed and I am a good person. Being both is not paradoxical; it is being human.