Summer is always a curve and a blessing for me. I LOVE that I actually have "free time" because I need it to recover from the frenetic pace of my school year. At the same time, I hate it because I am terrible with unstructured time. I have been doing better this summer, but I have struggled for the last two days. My problem is that I lack the self-discipline (or perhaps the energy) to create a modest schedule of tasks for the day. During the school year, I am forced to create some level of schedule because my work fills specific sections of my day. When summer truly arrives for me, though, I have such open swaths of time that I regularly fail to pre-plan what I will be doing on any given day.
I also get terribly gun shy of planning out specific days. I know that I overestimate my energy and abilities, meaning that if I plan out a series of days, I will likely be "behind" from the moment I set my schedule. At the same time, when I allow myself to "see where the day will take me," I find myself accomplishing next to nothing. Because so many things are a "top priority," I am often paralyzed by my own brain. Worse, my inaction causes me to begin berating myself, which makes my more tired, and I become even more inefficient.
As I said, I am getting better at managing these things. In reality, my learning style (concrete random) and my personality type (ENFP) do not lend themselves well to carefully planned out schedules. In fact, they are deadly for me because my "random" nature means that I will eventually fail, and the "concrete" aspect of my brain will condemn me for that failure. Thus, I need broad plans, and I must accept any step towards the completion of those plans as progress. For instance, our finances needed to get up to date. In the past I would have tried to get it completed in one day. Although I did manage to do that from time to time (by locking myself in our office for 8-10 hours), more often, I would get to a semi-acceptable point and then would leave the finances unfinished - possibly missing a bill. This time, I chipped away at the finances over a four day window. I not only got caught up, but I also managed to enter information for my wife, and I figured out some of the stranger issues in our investment numbers. I even got paperwork filed today.
Unfortunately, even successes like that do not completely sink in for me. I consciously know that I did a good job, but I don't truly feel it. Instead, the hypercritical portion of my brain berates me for taking so long. It also reminds me that the office is still a disaster, and the investment numbers are still not fixed. And, pushing those thoughts away (or should I say hearing them and then dismissing them as irrational) takes tremendous amounts of energy, leaving even more run down. As a result, I then spend a few days, like today and yesterday, wallowing a bit and trying to get into some sort of groove with my daily routine.
The other two challenges of summer tie into that last issue. This time off often results in a different series of events every day. I have clearly learned that I am at my best when I can get into a pattern and am able to follow that every day. Sadly, I am convinced that it will be years until such a thing is possible during the summer for me. My wife's job, my daughter's activities, my doctor appointments, and my work issues mean that summer will remain a hodge podge of starts and stops in each and every day. Summer also means a great deal of isolation. While I do get to spend time with my daughter, many of my days involve long stretches of time when I am alone. Although I have come to appreciate some quiet time when I am isolated, the reality is that I am an extreme extrovert. Thus, being by myself drains me. Sometimes, that alone can totally wipe me out. On the other hand, I can be having the worst excessive daytime sleepiness, but come to life as soon as I step in front of a group of people.
As in so many other things, I must be patient as I move forward living with narcolepsy. This condition is insanely bizarre. I can feel almost normal one day and horribly tired the next. Worse, so much of my day (each day) depends on my sleep, yet I have NO control over that. Even when I have been in a great pattern of going to sleep and waking at the same time each day, one thousand and one tiny little things can positively and negatively influence my rest. Thus, I must take a deep breath, do the best I can, and not fret about the highs and lows. I just need to ground myself in the present and stay with each moment.
Showing posts with label Finances. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Finances. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Money Madness (or Maddening Money)
Although I rarely discuss it here, money tends to be one of my largest sources of stress. I am almost ashamed to admit it, but money tends to have little meaning to me. That might be an okay situation if I were a single guy without a chronic illness, but I am a married man, a dad, and a person with narcolepsy. As a result, I definitely need to be conscious of my spending. I also need to provide assistance to my amazing wife. While she is certainly a better (and wiser) money manager than I, the reality of our lives is that much of the tracking of our spending has fallen to me. I am good at the "organizational" aspect of that, but I become quickly overwhelmed when it comes to the decision-making aspect of the finances.
Fortunately, I have only had a small number of complete errors when it has come to our money. We are also blessed in that I am able to supplement my wife's income because I can still work part-time. At the same time, keeping track of our bills and our expenses has gotten more and more difficult for me. To function in such a capacity, I need to be extremely focused. Unfortunately, I expend extensive energy to be that person. Thus, I am either neglectful of my other "duties" - being a husband, being a dad, being a teacher, and taking care of me - or I miss a bill payment here and there. Because of my commitment to living in the moment, the latter has happen more frequently than the former. While that is good, I think, it also sending my wife through the roof (and does not do much for my shame based thinking). We are attempting to shift much of the bill paying back to her, but she has so much else to do that it has been difficult.
The larger reason that this is on my mind, though, is the time and energy that I have used over the past two days. We need to change our "primary" credit card due to the merger of Northwest Airlines and Delta. For years we have used a Worldperks credit card to pay for many things. Our reasoning has been simple. We fly four or five times a year and using that card has gotten us at least one free (or reduced) ticket each year. Since we live in Minnesota, Northwest was our primary (perhaps only) option for the variety of flight times that we often needed. Now, Delta will be that airline. They only want one credit card option and like American Express. While I could care less which card it is that I am using, it is driving me insane to remember/discover all of the places that we have set up our current card as the payment option.
If I don't do this, we will either need to activiate the "new" card from our current bank simply to be safe. Then, any charges will go into a "new flex points" account for travel on any airline, but the AmEx card will get most of the charges, so we will never use the "flex points." Obviously, this is a minor issue in a world which is seeing a global recession, Iranian oppression, and numerous human rights violations. At the same time, it is driving my tiny brain into the ground. I have changed most of our pre-set card situations - I think. Still, one site would not allow me access, and another would not let me remove the defunct card. I added a new one, but the old one is loved too much perhaps. I bet it won't be so popular if I accidentally charge something to that card.
Even having gotten most of these updated, I am nervous about what I might have missed. The reality is that my narcolepsy undermines both my memory and my self-confidence. And, in the event I do miss some payment, I will get to wrestle with that guilt too. Hooray. Hopefully, I can let this junk go. The most important thing is that I am making progress on it. I also need to remember that we are extremely lucky to have a steady and solid income. As frustrating as these financials worries are (and narcolepsy is), we are truly blessed and want for nothing.
Fortunately, I have only had a small number of complete errors when it has come to our money. We are also blessed in that I am able to supplement my wife's income because I can still work part-time. At the same time, keeping track of our bills and our expenses has gotten more and more difficult for me. To function in such a capacity, I need to be extremely focused. Unfortunately, I expend extensive energy to be that person. Thus, I am either neglectful of my other "duties" - being a husband, being a dad, being a teacher, and taking care of me - or I miss a bill payment here and there. Because of my commitment to living in the moment, the latter has happen more frequently than the former. While that is good, I think, it also sending my wife through the roof (and does not do much for my shame based thinking). We are attempting to shift much of the bill paying back to her, but she has so much else to do that it has been difficult.
The larger reason that this is on my mind, though, is the time and energy that I have used over the past two days. We need to change our "primary" credit card due to the merger of Northwest Airlines and Delta. For years we have used a Worldperks credit card to pay for many things. Our reasoning has been simple. We fly four or five times a year and using that card has gotten us at least one free (or reduced) ticket each year. Since we live in Minnesota, Northwest was our primary (perhaps only) option for the variety of flight times that we often needed. Now, Delta will be that airline. They only want one credit card option and like American Express. While I could care less which card it is that I am using, it is driving me insane to remember/discover all of the places that we have set up our current card as the payment option.
If I don't do this, we will either need to activiate the "new" card from our current bank simply to be safe. Then, any charges will go into a "new flex points" account for travel on any airline, but the AmEx card will get most of the charges, so we will never use the "flex points." Obviously, this is a minor issue in a world which is seeing a global recession, Iranian oppression, and numerous human rights violations. At the same time, it is driving my tiny brain into the ground. I have changed most of our pre-set card situations - I think. Still, one site would not allow me access, and another would not let me remove the defunct card. I added a new one, but the old one is loved too much perhaps. I bet it won't be so popular if I accidentally charge something to that card.
Even having gotten most of these updated, I am nervous about what I might have missed. The reality is that my narcolepsy undermines both my memory and my self-confidence. And, in the event I do miss some payment, I will get to wrestle with that guilt too. Hooray. Hopefully, I can let this junk go. The most important thing is that I am making progress on it. I also need to remember that we are extremely lucky to have a steady and solid income. As frustrating as these financials worries are (and narcolepsy is), we are truly blessed and want for nothing.
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