Ultimate Undoing

After wrestling with my thoughts for a week, I finally decided today to pull the plug on my ultimate season. I wrote to my captains earlier in the week, asking if I could come to some practices, but not play in tournaments. That felt cowardly and empty, though. I also felt that I was unfairly laying my problem at their feet. So, I wrote them again today and my team. I know this is the right decision, but it is still hard to accept.

In the end I came to terms with my current physical reality. I am in decent shape physically and mentally, but the demands that I would put on my body, even at an occasionally ultimate practice, are too taxing. I would love to pretend that I would make good decisions at the practice, but I know that I would not. Because I have lived with narcolepsy for so long and have learned ways to draw on energy that should be doing other things - like keeping my immune system functional - I would play fine at practice. I would then pay for that effort over the next week, or more. My summer cold continues to linger. I am willing to guess that my trip to the ENT in a few weeks will show more inflammation and possibly a sinus infection.

Those consequences are unacceptable. Part of being smart about my life is knowing when I have to step away, even from things that I love. I do hope that I will be able to slowly build my physical strength and endurance back to a point that I can practice and play ultimate at the competitive level. But, I am not there currently and I need to be honest with myself. I have a good schedule for my teaching and the right course (I think). I am also starting to grasp how I can be present for my wife and daughter and still be effective in the classroom. Doing that, while living with narcolepsy, is a massive accomplishment. Not playing ultimate, while disappointing, is a small price to pay to stay on track with those other priorities.

The other reality is that, while I have managed to re-start my yoga, I am still not exercising regularly on my own. One reason is that I am still recovering from playing ultimate a week and a half ago. Trying to go to practice out of some warped sense of loyalty or irrational belief that I have to be there for "me" only serves to undermine the very wellness that I am trying to build. I am much better off finding 30 minutes here and there to do some basic exercising that will allow me to survive the school year and to diminish the sense of fatigue that I have each day.

Ironically, I thought of Santiago from The Alchemist as I wrote both of my emails. I too am leaving behind things that I love to embark on a scary new journey. I do believe that ultimate is part of my Personal Legend, but I also know that things may happen on this quest that never allow me to return to playing this game that I adore. Yet, had I tried to "stay" and play, I would wind up miserable. Choosing this path affords me the chance to return in the future more whole and balanced. If I am able to walk this route, I will enjoy ultimate that much more, rather than becoming bitter by pushing now and failing horribly. I need to continue to practice the patience of Santiago. Like the young shepherd, I must learn to read the signs of the world, opening myself to the universal language without words. I know that I am right in understanding that all the omens told me it was time for a break from disc. It hurts, but the weight of the world lifted when I sent those emails today.