Fatigue Factors

While the week was good, it stuns me that my fatigue still catches me off guard. It amazes me that I can be functioning well, but then suddenly wonder why I am getting tired. The weirdest experiences tend to happen right after I teach. My energy level is so high when I am interacting with my colleagues and my students. Within a half hour, though, I crash - sometimes tremendously hard. I regularly work to keep myself in check while working with my students, but my radar is a bit off since I have not "taught" at my school for a year.

Beyond the presence of the fatigue, it makes me laugh that is honestly surprises me. I guess it is a double-edged reality. While I am working to accept that I have a chronic condition, clearly it is still not my base reaction. The fact that I actually ask myself why I'm so tired likely means that I have not fully come to terms with the reality of my disease. At the same time, it does provide me with a pretty good laugh. It only gets less funny when I also forget to take my afternoon meds.

What concerns me is that my lack of awareness could be problematic. My fuse definitely gets shorter as my excessive daytime sleepiness grows. I just don't want to snap at my classes unfairly, particularly since I am teaching ninth graders. I have told them about my condition, and my colleagues would certainly help mitigate the situation. I just know that when I blow, it is ugly. Scarring fourteen year olds would not help my spirits stay high. The key is awareness; it's just that my self-knowledge also drops with my energy level.

The last concern I have lingers in the realm of my family. My wife and daughter are so important to me. Without them, my life is empty. The fatigue, though, often forces me to limit my interactions with them. I do manage to protect some time and energy for them, but I wish it was more. I also worry that I will "forget" how fatigued I become, causing me to crash to a level that I won't have anything for them. I realize that is irrational, but it still makes me anxious.

In the end, it is the reality of my life. Energy is a day-to-day, moment-to-moment situation. Some days unfold without any problems. Others are a nightmare. I know I can't control that, nor can I do anything when the fatigue strikes. What I can do is accept my situation and cope as best I can. It isn't much, but it is mine!