Living Life

One of my primary goals for the next year is to live honestly and openly in the present. I spend so much time worrying about "what's next" that I often miss "what's now." I know that doing my yoga, meditations and breathing exercises will help, but I want to keep my mind firmly grounded in the moment. One of the more ironic aspects of this is that my MITY co-teacher and I have been discussing "mindfulness" with our students for the past two years. As a result I am far better know than I have ever been in the past, but I still create waves of anxiety for myself whenever any "event" is approaching. The definition of "event" can range from stepping back from ultimate to presenting something to a large group, from basic correcting and lesson planning to taking my daughter to play tennis. If that sounds broad (and slightly insane), I would agree.

I know that I am far too focused on "perfection." I tend to want everything to be a masterpiece. That is neither wise, nor possible. I also "know" that and then find myself obsessing over my foolish tendency, which is even more unrewarding. I have gotten better about letting go of my perfectionism, but I also trap myself by trying to "calculate" the time commitment I will need to "finish" any particular event. Rather than simply starting and doing what I can do, I mentally wrestle with the theoretical and complete little to nothing (which often leads to more self-deprecation). I hope to avoid that trap by planning on specific periods of time, rather than thinking about the "end" of my work.

Setting a schedule has always been dangerous for me because (in an effort to "get it right") I tend to become rigid in my schedule. I do fine for a while, but nothing ever goes exactly as planned. Thus, the schedule derails and I give up - why do it if I can do it "properly"? (I am such a black and white thinker!) What I am hoping I can do over the rest of the summer and during this coming school year is to plan blocks of time, rather than specific activities. By carving out the blocks, I can vary my activities. I can also have a set period for me, a set period for my family, a set period for school work, a set period for exercise and yoga.

I know that I need basic structure to my day. Without it, I tend to get "lost" in the onslaught of potential activities. During the school year, I do better because "have to" aspects of my job tend to keep me more focused. Right now, though, I struggle because 10 things need to get done and I can't prioritize them well. I want to set up this schedule so I can quantify times to address some things. Accomplishing them will certainly help my general mood. That, in turn, will bring me more energy. Of course, energy is the root of most of this worry (both rational and irrational). As I have said before, in the past I could simply plow through everything in my path. Now, though, I know that is not realistic, not is it healthy. Thus, I get scared about putting too much of myself into anything, often leaving me cut off from everything.

The idea of this schedule does have balance at the core. By ensuring time for exercise, me and rest, I am creating something much better than "do your school work first, then get to what your family needs, and then in the left over time take care of Mike." Usually, that plan would last for a few weeks. I would initially get the school work and some family things done, but as the school stuff began to pile up, the household items would also disappear. Finally, since I rarely did anything honestly good for me, the entire system would collapse, and I would fritter away tons of time mindlessly watching television (until panic would set in an I would blaze through a number of things - half-assed - wiping out any energy reserves I might have left). I know that being more dedicated to daily time for me will serve everything in my life much more wisely.

Another major reality that I must confront, though, is my desire to "over-correct" everything that I get from my students. I always want to fix everything in a piece of writing. That is not possible (I love writing entries like this - can you spot the theme of your life, Mike? Um, is it constantly trying to do everything when that is neither logical nor physically possible? YES!). Instead, I need to focus narrowly on specific skills, and then I need to hold my students accountable for maintaining those skills. I feel like that is possible during this next school year, and that has me excited. Not only do I have two excellent colleagues to assist me in holding to that, but also we are meeting and planning so much that I will have many things ready before the school year begins. By knowing the skills we want to see in a specific assignment, it will be much easier for me to keep those in mind, rather than trying to "teach" about every writing flaw on every page.

I think it is wonderfully humorous that my post on "living in the moment" has been dominated by thinking about the coming school year. The reality is that I need to ponder these things right now so I can devote the rest of this summer to establishing these healthier patterns. By teaching myself now how to live in the present, the year will be much better. By balancing school planning with exercise and yoga, by recognizing my need for personal time with the need to connect with my family, I will accomplish much more than trying to do it all in each moment of each day. I feel good about setting these boundaries now. I want to be mindful and present in each thing I do. That intentionality will serve me well in every aspect of my life. Doing that will allow me to make my narcolepsy live with me, rather than the converse that I have felt for much of this past year. A friend pointed out my "error" the other day, and I definitely like the inversion significantly more. Now, I will make it a reality.