Stellar Star (Wars)

Thankfully, I felt well enough today to accompany my family to the Star Wars exhibit. It was spectacular. I thought the coolest aspect of the experience was the way it showed real life connections to the science fiction elements of Star Wars and its universe. For the Tatooine and Hoth items, parallel material about horribly hot and cold spots on Earth was woven into the video comments. Even more interesting was the extensive information about robotics and integrating machines and medicine. My daughter also loved her opportunities to build robots and levitating magnetic vehicles. She even got to drive one - it was no Landspeeder or Pod Racer, but it was sit incredible.

Unfortunately, everyone seemed to be dragging by the time we left, though. Initially, we were hoping to go out to lunch, but tempers started to flair. Instead, we headed home for a light lunch. We even threw in Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. It was a blast to wath it after having been at the exhibit. I ran an errand and then tried to work MORE on the tree. Even though it was all down, I needed (and still need) to get rid of all of the branches. I did take care of half the branches. While I did stop, I may still have pushed too hard because I can already feel the cold getting worse. It didn't help that my blood pressure was high when I took it at my pharmacy while waiting for my prescriptions today. Still, I was glad to get something done, especially since my wife is feeling tremendously anxious these days.

As I was finishing up, my wife told me that she, my sister-in-law and my daughter were going to the Ramsey County Humane Society and then a few other spots. I asked if I could go, and it thrilled my wife. While I was tired, I certainly wanted to continue spending time with all three of them. The Humane Society is relatively close to our house, but we don't go too often because we ALL want to bring home something. Since we already have 3 cats, it is NOT a good idea for us to add to the chaos. My daughter also tends to get overly emotional when we say, "no," to yet another animal. Thus, we also stay away to keep the tears to a minimum. Sadly, today was no different. We all loved looking at the cats and dogs (they had a TON of adorable kittens), but my daughter because fixated on bringing home a cat. She then cried in the car all the way to our next stop. To make matters worse, that next stop was specifically to get something she wanted, which the store did not have.

We worked to make the best of everything, but my daughter's mood (along with everyone else's fatigue) continued to sour the evening. We stopped on the way home to get dinner, and when we got home, we put in a movie that my daughter wanted to watch (Stranger than Fiction - which the three adults had watch two days ago and LOVED). My daughter's demeanor did not seem to brighten much. My sister-in-law crashed. Then, I did too (I could also feel my sinuses filling). I headed to bed assuming that my wife and daughter would finish the film, but they stopped it soon after I left. I worried that it was because of me, but they decided to watch the Olympics instead. Soon, they came to the bedroom to watch it (which defeated the purpose of me leaving the other room, but what the heck). The bigger problem, though, was that both of them had become even more foul in their moods. Fortunately, they dozed before things got too ugly.

My fear now is that this lingering anger (and angst) that we all have will carry over into tomorrow. My daughter is clearly in the horrid throes of impending puberty. My wife has way too much going on, and she is worried about me, her work, our house, our daughter, and approximately a thousand other things. Then, there's my stuff. I know right now that I will feel completely drained tomorrow. Yet, I worry that I will have to push myself because my wife will be so worked up. I also dread the possibility that I may need to be the referee for my wife and daughter - since they were both borderline irrational by the time they fell asleep tonight. I know that I don't have the strength for any of that. At the same time, what do I do if I am needed? These are the moments when my narcolepsy drives me insane. I do okay when everything is calm, but how often does that happen? Most of my life is chaos, and this disease simply doesn't afford me the capacity to cope in moments of crisis. Worse, I can go for days "handling" what comes, but one day (or hour) of pushing beyond the pale leaves me devastated for days. How is that fair or manageable? Beyond "fair" for me, how am I supposed to accept the incredible burden that my health leaves on my wife? Isn't she allowed to have down times? Yet, when she does, how am I supposed to step up when I have nothing to give?

Obviously, things will get better. Perhaps everyone will wake up happy tomorrow. I can't spend my life or time worrying about what tomorrow might or might not bring. That is not being mindful of the present. Still, I at least needed to let the thoughts and frustrations out so they wouldn't fester in my mind until morning. I also do need to be aware of the lack of health that is definitely a reality tonight. I need to sleep now. The new day will bring new wonders and challenges. If I am sick, I will rest when I can. If everyone else is insane, I will bring what peace I can. I need to care for them, but I also need to care for me. Balance will come, eventually.