Late Lounging

Somehow I am still awake. My "plan" is to be in bed at 10 PM, but for the umpteenth night in a row, it is nearly 11 PM and I am still doing things. The good side is that I am connecting with my wife and daughter, corresponding with my friends (particularly my sleepy PWN friends), blogging on a more frequent basis, AND getting some school work done. The bad? Well, I am not sleeping - which would qualify as VERY bad. I also know that part of the reason that I have been "off" is that I am not even getting the mediocre sleep that I usually get. I am pushing too hard, but I don't know if I am okay with doing "less" than I am right now.

I want to pull my fair share of the work in my classroom. I think I am doing that, but I am still behind in my correcting. The craziest part is that I am not nearly as far behind as I usually am at this point in the school year. I think that is a good sign, but I am also scared. If I can't get "caught up" when I am doing the best job that I have done in years, what does that mean? The situation forces me to wonder and worry about how viable this career path is. I LOVE teaching, and I know that I would be miserable without it. At the same time, I can't correct in the way that my peers can. Sitting and reading papers makes me more tired (see I have narcolepsy). I also know that teaching even part-time wipes me out for at least a few hours when I get home. Then, I also feel the pull to be with my wife and daughter.

Thus, I started correcting "for real" around 9 PM tonight. I did get through a few papers, but I was also exhausted. Thus, I moved, thought and responded slowly to my students' work. I also am not nearly as good at "shutting out" the hyper-correcting voices. Those would be the impulses to correct EVERY minuscule error that I find. As a result, it can take me 20 minutes to go over three paragraphs. I am not exactly efficient. Still, I am heartened by the fact that even in the face of futility, I am still trying to do some work.

I am heading to bed now, but needed to write this. I find myself in such strange and reflective places these days. I know I need to get through student papers more rapidly. And, while I can occasionally do that, I find that I am more at peace with my slow pace. I don't know if this acceptance of my "reality" is good or bad, but I do know that it just is. Daily, I find myself more at peace with the notion that I have done the best I could on that particular day. While that might eventually lead to my team members stringing me up (or my boss tossing me out on my ear), I firmly believe that I am on the proper path in my journey. Who knows, I might even come to enjoy this constant, mind-numbing fatigue... Yeah, probably not - but, a boy can dream can't he?