Hope Happening Here

Today, perhaps for the first time ever, my therapist could NOT stop smiling during our session. It was truly incredible. Of course, it might be that nearly everything I said at today's session had a positive tone (or at least undertone). When I was thinking about today's session, while at school yesterday, I felt nearly giddy. I look forward to therapy because talking out my issues grounds me. The difference last night was that I knew that I was bursting to let my therapist know how well things have been going. The sensation is incredibly odd.

As I left my therapy session, though, I realized what I was experiencing. For the first time in years, I am actually feeling hopeful. Even more importantly, it is not a "pie-in-the-sky" hope - believing that with just a few changes I will start doing yoga for an hour each day, or that I will tweak a couple of meds and be able to work full time again. Those thoughts aren't even dreams, they are delusions. What is percolating inside me is - the belief that I will make a difference, the possibility that I can accomplish worthwhile tasks (even with a chronic condition), the reality that I am far more than a bizarre medical condition. I don't know if anything feels quite this good.

As I mentioned above, I don't see this moment as an end. If anything, it is the true beginning. Now, I can start to walk honestly with my disease and discover ways to honor it while still confronting it. Narcolepsy is a part of me, but it is certainly NOT all of me. In fact it isn't a big percentage. It make keep my energy down, but my heart and soul and mind are MINE. And, this disease can have no part of them. I know that many dark days will be on my path, but I fear them less and less. I merely need to put one foot in front of the other, and I will continue to walk my path as best I can.

Perhaps one of the things that has given me the most hope in the last few months is communicating with other people with narcolepsy online. I had made such incredible friends throughout the world. It is a huge blessing for me. When I read about a woman in the United Arab Emirates struggling to find out about narcolepsy, or the young woman in Singapore who has taken control of her own life and medical condition, my spirits soar. Some people praise me for my kindness to them. I am honored and flattered by their praise, but even more so I am inspired by their courage and determination to face this disease and the societal scorn that can accompany it. Their journeys give my own even more purpose. At some level, having narcolepsy is worth all of its hassles purely so I can be lucky enough to know other people with naroclepsy.