Oddly Outpaced

Few things are wilder in my life than the vagaries of narcolepsy. As I said yesterday, I am sure that I am still paying the price for my two weeks of insanity. Still, I had been feeling that I was handling things decently, given the "crash" I was experiencing. Then I got up today, or perhaps more accurately, I struggled upright today. One would assume that after crashing for five days, my energy would begin to improve. Sadly, one would be frighteningly wrong, at least she or he would be this week.

Somehow, resting and doing little last night made my MORE tired today. My head hurt for much of the day, and I felt rushed and overwhelmed. It didn't help that I kept taking small hits all day - computer mix ups, school assignments not quite ready, students struggling on exams, appointments happening "sooner" than I could arrive, problems arising that I felt the need to address. I was more than spent by the time I got my daughter at 4:30 PM. That is when the day truly started to sour. She felt neglected yesterday in the aftermath of her team's big win, mostly by me. And, no matter what I did or didn't do, her perspective is the one that matters in that situation. I tried to discuss it with her on the way home, but might have made the situation worse. We then had more tense moments at home.

My wife's arrival seemed to exacerbate the situation more. I had already used up even my deepest reserves, and she too felt dismissed by me. We managed to talk through some of the issues, but I still need to fight off my own internal attempts to shame and blame myself. My wife has had a long and busy week, and I am definitely struggling with my disease more than I have in the previous few weeks. Toss in our wonderful, but pre-teen daughter, and the season is ripe for a colossal disaster. Thankfully, we all managed to avert such a tragedy, but the potential always seems to simmer below the surface.

It makes me laugh that the ebb and flow of my condition never comes at opportune times. I think narcolepsy wants to keep me humble. My students are on retreat tomorrow. It will be good to have a day that is still "work," but one which I can use to relax and meet with my team to plan out our next few weeks. The pace of the western world is relentless. I wish that was not the case, but I also know that I can only control my own actions. Thus, I will continue to work on accepting only one or two responsibilities. I just need to learn how to say, "No" on a regular basis.