Focus Frustration

I certainly understand that my narcolepsy ebbs and flows. Good days come and go. Bad days arrive and depart. Unfortunately, my current string of bad days seems to be settling in for the long haul. I go through spells when I struggle to find any level of focus. The last two weeks are a prime example. I can get through my days and even do some small tasks, but bringing my mental energy to bear on the things that I need to do proves to be nearly impossible. I work hard not to beat myself up when this happens, but I am approaching the end of my limits. Of course, getting angry and upset with myself will only cause me to spiral lower, so I need to find a way to pull out of this.

The largest concern is that I am not providing any assistance to my wife. I have done a little laundry and washed a few loads of dishes, but most days I have come home from work (or some other activity) and collapsed. Today, I got up early to meet with teaching team. We did get some planning done, but I don't even feel like I contributed much there. When I got home, I did a little work, but felt dizzy the entire time. I have been sitting on my butt since Noon. I can barely even focus on doing things I enjoy, like corresponding with other people with narcolepsy or writing this blog entry.

Almost as upsetting as letting down my wife is the growing pile of school work that I MUST get corrected soon. I know that I can only do so much, but for the last week, I have done literally nothing. My plan when I finish this blog is to stretch and then start on some of my school work. But, I have little to no faith that I will get through much. I hope that I am wrong, but my brain simply will not click into gear. Moments like this are some of the hardest for me. I still find it hard to believe MYSELF when I realize that I can't get work done. The words to describe it sound ridiculous - "my brain won't work." That sounds insane. And, if I struggle to believe it, how is the rest of the world supposed to react? It is no wonder that many people believe that people with narcolepsy are just horrible lazy. I know that is not the case, but hate that I partial feel that way myself. Seriously, my brain just can't hold a thought! - Who says things like that?

As frustrating as this is, it does help to write about it. I don't know if it will change things, but it makes me feel better. I also know that I need to sit for a time and breathe. Relaxing will make it easier to start. I will do what I can, and then I will go to my men's group. That will also help. I just wish this particular down time would not be lasting more than a fortnight!