Saturday Slump

I do find it mildly amusing that I am still caught off guard when I crash. Even though the last two weeks have been insane, I actually wondering at times today why I was so tired. Seriously! I got upset with my inactivity around Noon today and began to get angry. I hadn't done anything physical or mental, so I decided to castigate myself. My self-interrogation began with the stern question, "How can you be this tired?" Fortunately, saner parts of my mind prevailed at that moment. In the awkward pause that followed, I began to laugh. Why am I tired? Well, it could the psychotic hours that I have kept over the past two weeks.

The great thing is that, in my moment of realization, everything fell into place for the day. I was still exhausted and unproductive, but I found peace within it. Having that insight allowed me to be okay with the physical and emotional state of my body. I have had an unnerving two weeks. I pushed far harder than I should, and I even survived intact. I earned the right to collapse. I even rallied later in the day and had a wonderful evening with my daughter.

We went to an amazing show at my school. Every year the drama department hosts a 24-hour "Create-A-Play." Students write, direct and perform short plays, all within a 24-hour period. The shows were wonderful, and my daughter loved them. She thoroughly enjoys performing and creating herself, so I could see the joy in her eyes as we watched my students. When we got home, I even managed to clean up the kitchen.

Every day, I feel like I take one more step down the path to understanding how to live with narcolepsy. I don't think I will ever figure out every twist and turn along the way, but it does seem that the journey is a tad easier than it has been. Maybe the biggest accomplishment of the past year has been my ability to acknowledge my own needs and to accept them honestly. Even a few months ago, I would have wracked myself with guilt on a day like today (actually yesterday now). Rather than abuse myself, though, I owned the state of existence that I was in. Somewhere in there, I am sure that I got a bit wiser.