Conscience Comments

Somehow, another week has passed. I never understand how time can fly so quickly. The good thing is that I have been "healthier," although I was unable to fulfill the exercise goal. I do not feel guilty however. I will simply make exercising three times by next Friday a primary goal for this next week. I do know (quite clearly) that I did the absolute best that I could over this past week.

Beyond eating better, I definitely got tangible things done within our home. I changed a number of light bulbs, organized a number of music files, cleaned areas of the house, and did my normal chores. Even better, while I likely will never feel like I have done enough for school, I not only got things ready for the start of our new trimester, I even managed to correct the first quiz I gave within 24 hours of receiving the answers. I also know that my entire team felt "in synch" as we started our new material. That alone is enough to brighten my mood. One of the greatest accomplishments, though, is my own recognition of my need to stay on task when I am teaching in our classroom. I actually steered students back to the topic at hand throughout the week, fighting the urge to be tangential. Words truly can't describe how impressive that is for me.

Our current unit is an introduction to the concepts of conscience, leadership, and authority. We will actually study those theme throughout the trimester, but this first week has been incredible. We read the Orson Scott Card novel, Ender's Game, which I adore. Most of my students truly seem to enjoy it, thus far. It is perfect for our themes. Even better than the book, though, has been the chance to see these amazing, young women and men wrestling with the ethical and moral issues that we have placed before them during the past week. While we are all still human, greatly influenced by the culture of excess in the United States, I have appreciated seeing some of our teenagers make deeper and powerful connections about how they are both moved by their consciences to powerful acts and forced to betray those same values when certain social realities come into play.

Beyond the successes at school, I feel good about what has been happening in our home. My in laws left on Tuesday. It was wonderful to have them here. I definitely feel like I got the chance to grieve more over my brother-in-law. At the same time, with my wife's parents returning home, we have been able to re-establish some levels of normalcy for the first time in weeks. We have no gifts. Life is not in crisis. There is no dumpster in our driveway. I think we will make a few more strides this weekend when it comes to organizing the base elements of our lives - bills, financial records, storage of unneeded items. It thrills me that we could eventually find a minimalist way to exist.

At the same time, my brain continues to be overwhlemed by the multitude of things that I have left undone. Yet, my greatest source of pride this week is that I have not allowed that negativity to overwhlem me. Certainly, I have dark moments each day, but I acknowledge them and feel them, then I let them pass. No one could do the things that I "think" I am supposed to accomplish on any given day. Thus, as a forty-year-old with narcolepsy, I must forgive myself for not doing the impossible. I still feel overly run down and sick. My sinuses are definitely misbehaving. My anxiety and ill-health have not been the dominant element of my week, which is incredible. It is moments like this that I know I am "improving." A week like this, even eight months ago, would have sent me spirally. Radically, my primary feeling tonight is honestly elation. I am proud of the way I weathered the week. I am even more excited that I could feel this satisfied in a week when I was far from "on." I have no delusions that I will ever be "well," but I do know that I am capable of having weeks that are far more healthy than the one that has just passed. This journey of narcolepsy continues to amaze me. New discovers seem to lurk around each corner. While there are plenty that I have found less than pleasant, this new one was a welcome relief.