Missing My Meds?

I am on day three of my med holiday. I actually posted it as my Facebook status and a number of PWNs commented. One of the best responses was, "why can't med holidays be as fun as they sound?" On one level I completely agree, but another friend posted that lazy days watching movies aren't all that bad. I certainly see that point too. Since this is my second attempt at a med holiday, I am still learning what they are like. I know that it is the right thing to do for my body, but I also know that day three was definitely tougher than day two. My first attempt in August was only two days long, and I knew that I would have some functionality during the first day, but that the second would be difficult. Sadly, I actually thought that day three might be better. I was wrong.

I have spent the day feeling physically ill, which I know is the withdrawal. It is amazing how even a theraputic dose of a medication can alter your biological baseline so drastically. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for an addict to get off of a drug. The other difficult aspect of the day has been my inability to stay alert for more than 30 minutes at a time. I have managed to do a few things around the house, but I have also crashed repeatedly. Some of that is also the withdrawal, but much of it is "untreated narcolepsy." I am humbled by how dependent I am on my amphetamine. Could I live without it? Yes, but I would not be able to teach - not even part-time. I also have spent the day wondering what it would be like to try driving like this. I have no intention of trying to do that, but it is frightening to realize that without my stimulants I could be completely dependent on others to transport me places.

The other side of that, though, is a gratefulness that I am able to use stimulants to have some level of functionality. I have a number of PWN friends who are unable to drive or work even with stumulants. Others can't find a stimulant that will work or that their bodies can tolerate. The insidious nature of this condition constantly stuns me. I am blessed that my narcolepsy has not completely undermined my life. I realize that it is all a matter of perspective, but I definitely know I would be struggling more if I had to let go of even more of what I "want" to do. Yes, I have lost much, but I am still able to do a job I love and help my family and my friends.

Of course, I certainly recognize that my narcolepsy can progress. Perhaps in another year or two (or month or two), I could reach a point where driving or working will not be possible. I hope that I will be able to accept those things with the same day-by-day approach that has allowed me to remain upbeat during the start of this journey. While I hope those things never come, I understand that much of that is out of my control. Narcolepsy will run its course. I just hope that I can maintain my own ability to accept what the disease brings and then make my own path and decisions.

Tomorrow will be fascinating because I have an acupuncture appointment scheduled. It will be the first time that I have acupuntuncture without a stimulant in my body. Even when I did acupuncture the first time (in 2005), I had methylphenidate and Concerta in my body. And, when I went off all of my meds before I got my narcolepsy diagnosis in 2007, I was going to Langford Chiropractic, but had not started acupuncture there yet. I am not sure if I had any acupuncture during my unintended med holiday last December - when Provigil became a non-option and I had no other stumulant. I will be interested to see how my body responds without the amphetamine.

I guess the final thing that has intriguied me these past three days is the fact that some PWNs do not take stimulants. Some don't need to take them - Xyrem does the trick on its own. Other, though, willingly forgo them. I can't do that, yet. I still want to work at my job. But, it is interesting to consider what I might be able to do without a stumulant. I know that once the withdrawal aspect ended, I would be more functional than I have been these past three days. The question would be, though, how much energy would I have? Perhaps the time will come when I can explore that. For now, I like the idea of stopping my meds for a time, then starting again. I know the amphetamine felt more effective after I did this for two days in August. It will be interesting to see what happens with my longer break this time. It is interesting that although I could not "feel" the effect, I definitely know that the amphetamine was working in DEcember because without it, there is no way I could have made it to work each day.