December Delight

Somehow, I have managed to not post for 16 days! That is crazy. I definitely felt it in some ways, but in others, I was at peace just getting through the daily grind. I have enjoyed the last few weeks for a number of reasons, but first and foremost, I honestly feel like I balanced things well.

For years now, I have been trying to achieve some middle ground between overcommitment at work and the demands of being a husband and parent. Narcolepsy has obviously compounded the issue greatly, but in the past three weeks, I not only felt that I balanced things well, but also I felt good about what I was doing. That latter item is huge for me. Previously, when I have done a decent job of contributing at work and at home, I have never been able to recognize it in my gut. While logically I knew I had done the right thing, my emotions and psyche were often a wreck, focusing only on what I had left undone.

This time, the complete opposite is true. I know that I did not get to everything I might have liked, and I have plenty of work to do over my holiday break. But, I feel nothing but pride for the things that I did at home and at school during this time. Heightening that sense of fulfillment is the reality that physically I have been a mess in December - bad sinuses, extreme fatigue, rotten bowels. All of those are things that individually have derailed me for entire months. Somehow, I accepted all three, and did good work, and stayed on an even keel, and allowed myself to recognize all of that. I think that is a good sign.

Narcolepsy is insidious in its relentless presence, but I am finding more and more that by knowing my base line with it, I can negotiate ways to be effective in my job and in my home. I won't ever get to everything that my brain says I am supposed to do, but I also know that my brain is completely irrational when it comes to things like that. Even without narcolepsy, no one would be able to do what my brain (or my super ego as my colleague would say) thinks is achievable. Recognizing and internalizing that reality is a huge step for me.

I have much to learn about myself still, but this December has brought me tremendous insight. Beyond all of these successes is the fact that I managed to do small batches of work during many nights this past month. I need to make such practices more habitual, but it is a grand start. I am finally on break now, and while I want to rest and unwind, I also want to continue building my abilities to fragment my work into small pieces. Yet, I am affording myself the opportunity to do that later in the break. Right now, I am placing my health above everything.

I have known since October that I need to take a medication holiday from my amphetamine. That ways impossible until now; my wife and I could not afford to have me out of commission. Fortunately, I can take a break now. Yesterday was not bad, but today is definitely a struggle. Certainly, one element of this is withdrawal. It is also the narcolepsy. Nonetheless, I am doing a decent job of fighting the urge to berate myself for being inefficient for these five days. Again, who could be productive when your body is in the throes of withdrawal. The fact that I am both staying upbeat and getting one or two things done is miraculous. Hopefully, this break is good for my body and will help the amphetamine be a bit more effective when I restart it.