I punched a wall. Hard. I did that after I tore down the shower rod and curtain. The stripping of the tub came hard on the heels of me destroying my toothbrush. It was not a good morning. Fortunately, I did not damage the wall. The rod and curtain were also in good shape and promptly returned to their appropriate positions. The toothbrush needed to be replaced anyway, which I took care of this evening. In fact the only physical harm came to my hand. I wisely threw the punch with my left hand, allowing me to continue writing with my right (my bizarre ambidexterity involves right handed writing and left handed athleticism). Thankfully, I broke nothing. My knuckles have some good swelling, and the pain is more than annoying. My wife suggested icing it, but I feel like suffering a bit more as a reminder of my stupidity.
Interestingly enough, I associate my foolishness not with the temper tantrum this morning, but my inability to discuss my mental and physical states honestly. I continue to try to "push" when I am well beyond my breaking point. That is simply not wise. Last week drained me completely. I dragged myself out of bed on Saturday and did get to my ultimate Frisbee practice. While I missed the run and the first drill to do my own stretching, I did participate in the rest of practice. A couple of the drills brought me close to last week's dizziness, but I felt okay after a small break. I even played decently in the scrimmage, although I was frighteningly aware that I hadn't played in a game since September. I threw away a few ridiculously horrible passes. Still, I enjoyed practice and was glad I went.
I got home and mustered the energy to do some more weeding of the lawn. Then, I mowed. I was proud of myself for all of that. By the time I sat down to eat lunch, I had done a decent amount of work. I had also spent every ounce of energy I possessed. The rest of the day consisted of my sitting on our snuggler staring at yet another crossword. Every time I got up, my head would spin for 30-60 seconds. It was such a lovely feeling. My wife, my daughter and I did watch a wonderful movie together (The Last Mimsy), but I was not at all present for them. I also knew that my wife was stressed about her own lack of energy all day. I was tense and terse as the evening progressed. I also felt my anxiety rising as I pondered all of the tasks not yet done. As we went to bed, my wife raised the possibility of 8:15 AM Mass. My stomach turned at the thought, but I didn't say anything about not wanting to go then. She said we could figure out in the morning if I would join them.
I actually slept as well as I have in a week. But as soon as I was up, I knew I had nothing. In all honesty I should have simply gone back to bed. Unfortunately, doing things like that only makes my narcolepsy hit me worse. Thus, I started on the sudoku and the crossword, ate my breakfast, and tried to relax. As my wife and daughter started to stir and then to fade back into sleep, I tried to convince myself that they wouldn't want to go to 8:15 Mass. They did, though! We finally started to get ready at 7:30, and they both showered before me. At some point I knew I wouldn't make it, but I still couldn't admit that. Finally, I snapped. Screaming at my wife, myself, my narcolepsy and the world, I destroyed a toothbrush, deflowered my shower and smashed my hand.
Beyond the idiocy of this is the lesson that I have to be honest - with others and with myself. The huge problem this morning is that I worried that telling my wife I could not go to Mass would lead to a huge fight or me doing something stupid (like punching a wall - oops). I am getting better at accepting my limits. I beat myself up less for irrational and unachievable expectations. Sadly, though, I still rip myself to shreds when I think (or know) that I am letting down my wife and daughter. My wife has had such a hard week. Her job and stress are inconceivable to me. I need to do more around our house so she can stop worrying about it. I also know we need more time together as a family. Mass was a perfect way to do that today, except that I couldn't do it. My limitations don't just steal from my job or my fun. Narcolepsy also impacts my home life - every day. I stuff those incredibly personal emotions and disappointments until they explode out of me - in ugly and painful (really painful if you are my left hand) ways. My genuine fear that a fight would ensue with my wife if I bailed on Mass is a much better route than a torturous rage that could have resulted in a hospital trip and did cause a fight anyway. I must learn to trust my heart, my wife and my honesty.
Gratefully, my hand is not even that swollen. My wife and daughter have forgiven me. I think I have even forgiven myself - mostly. Days like today serve to remind me that this journey is only beginning. I have so much to learn - about my condition, about myself, about true joy, about balance. I am lucky to have a loving family that supports me on good days and bad. They even let me go to great movies, like Prince Caspian, after throwing tantrums and missing Mass. Gotta love that!
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Walls are NOT good for stress relief
Labels:
Balance,
Exhaustion,
Family,
Frustration,
Gratitude,
Healing,
Humility,
Insights,
Movies,
Narcolepsy,
Stupidity
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1 comment:
Oh angel, I can see it in my head. It's amazing that you can be so honest about all of it---a thousand people would have just said they were too tired and refused to find a way to improve from that experience. You're going to keep improving, you're failing at nothing.
My words might have short reach, but I feel them intensely.
I hope your hand heals and I'm glad you found some positive messages from the whole day. Congratulations.
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