Attitude is Everything

What a weird week. I have felt "off" since Sunday. It is certainly not the first (nor will it be the last) time that I have found myself struggling physically for a number of days in a row. What makes this particular stretch unusual, though, is the fact that my mood had remained upbeat. My stomach and bowels have been horrid. My head has been swimming every morning. As much as my knee is improving, both of them still hurt. I am behind in my correcting, stressed about the messy state of our home, and worried that I am not doing enough for my wife and daughter. But even with all of those things (and hundreds of others) spinning in my head, joy continues to percolate up to the surface. By all accounts my mood should be foul. Instead, I still have a smile.

I know that many dark days (weeks, months, years?) are ahead, but I also know that I am beginning to accept - truly and honestly - what it means to have narcolepsy. I have know cognitively for the last few years that I am limited. I have also realized for the last few months that a clear medical reason exists for those limitations. What has changed is that I am finally allowing my heart and soul to accept this reality. Emotionally and spiritually, the facts of my narcolepsy are finally settling. I am beginning to find peace internally and externally with who I am. I not only know that I am doing my best, but I actually also believe it. That is progress!

I started this blog last night (after taking my drugs which led me to the wise decision to finish it today). Usually, I would expect the great mood I had yesterday to disappear - simply to spite me. But, when I awoke this morning, everything was the same. EVERYTHING - meaning that my body still felt awful and even that was okay. It is crazy, at least it is for me. I was even late for my therapy appointment. While I felt bad, most of my remorse centered on not being able to use my full time to discuss how well I have been handling life's challenges. I am learning to let go and to allow myself the mistakes and errors that are a human reality. Maybe I will even learn to let the lessons of this week continue to build into next week. I guess I will see.