Have Tos and Should Haves

I keep forgetting the rules. Rule number one of narcolepsy is as follows: if things are going well, don't talk (or blog) about it. Rule number two of narcolepsy reads like this: never forget rule number one, or you will be sorry. Yesterday, I wrote an upbeat blog about how well the week went even with my problems earlier in the week. Hello, Mike! Did you not read your own blog on hubris? Rightly so, the fist of narcolepsy smashed me today. I fell asleep last night answering one last message from a friend. My wife found me at the computer at midnight - sitting up and asleep. I assure you that no amount of Xyrem can make sleeping like that worthwhile. Needless to say, it was awful trying to get out of bed today. I did get to ultimate practice and even did the run, pylos and the first drill. Then, the dizziness set in and I was finished. I went to the fair at my daughter's school after that and watched her play her horn and do her poetry. Somehow, I even got some shopping done. But now I am totally wiped and that is not good. We are leaving soon for a friend's birthday party. I will sit like an antisocial lump and then try not to beat myself up tomorrow.

That psychological struggle is also weighing heavily on my mind today. My psyche regularly bombards me with the list of "Have Tos" and the other list of "Should Haves." Either list alone is sufficient to make me crumble, but days like today seem to call for both lists to rain down together. Basically, I experience a "perfect storm" of guilt. Here is a sampling of today's combined fun.

Mike, you have to
1. get all of your correcting done.
2. mow the lawn.
3. finally finish the office.
4. check all of your email.
5. answer all of your email.
6. get all of the financials up to date.
7. love your wife more.
8. spend more time with your daughter.
9. do all of your exercises so your knee gets stronger.
10. do all of your other exercises so your back gets stronger.
11. start doing yoga again.
12. use the relaxation cds that you bought.
13. start prepping for your summer courses.
14. re-read the books for your summer courses.
15. organize all of your computer files.
16. set up your new work computer to make life easier.
17. sort your clothes so you don't have so much waste.
18. help your wife get the summer house plans in order.
19. fix the 15 problems you noticed around the house today.
20. just get the dishes and your other chores done for once.

At the same time, I am also thinking this.

Mike, you should have
1. gotten more done at school this week.
2. not tried to write that last email last night.
3. done more of your exercises so you would already be stronger.
4. ridden your bike on the stationary trainer so your endurance would be up.
5. been more attentive to your wife so she wasn't feeling so alone.
6. paid more attention to the "surveys" last night so you didn't inadvertantly sign up for some stupid service.
7. known how crazy this weekend would be and expect too much of yourself.
8. planned your day better so you weren't rushing to get everything done right now.
9. cooked food during the week so you could eat a healthier diet.
10. started charting your physical condition to have a better idea of how your disease ebbs and flows.

Sadly, both lists are MUCH longer than that. The good thing is that I know those message come from highly irrational parts of my brain. The bad part is that I am less able to shut them out when I am tired and run down, like today. I get more vulnerable when I am in this state (and crabbier). The real trap comes as I acknowledge my fatigued condition and then let the "should have" voice slip in with "you should have gone to bed at 10 PM, then you wouldn't feel this way." Man, I hate that! It only spirals me down further. I am getting better at simply accepting the situation, but old habits die hard. And, they die much more slowly when I am not at my peak. I need to shower now and go to the party. I will simply work to enjoy what I can. Then, I will come home and sleep. Tomorrow, thankfully, is a new day and will bring its own challenges. While the "Have Tos" and "Should Haves" will still be there, I will likely be more prepared to do what I can and accept what I can't.