On the Mend

The last two days have been filled with good signs. Clearly, I am excited and upbeat because spring has finally arrived. I am also thrilled that the end of the school year is well within sight (even if a mountain of correcting remains to be conquered). But, the end of this week has caused me unnerving moments of joy. I certainly know that I have a long journey ahead, learning to fully accept my limits, discovering the best way to stay balanced, finding ways to exercise and work and be present without taxing myself. All of that may eventually come, but the first glimpses might have peeked over the horizon - finally.

The first few days this week were definitely hellish, but as I wrote earlier, I weathered that storm well. Yesterday and today, I not only made it to CDH on time, but I also managed to be productive and to connect with colleagues. Such things have not happened for quite some time. While I must find a way to finish out the courses I am teaching this year, I am also already evolving ideas for my course load next year. One of the hardest things for me has always been using my summer productively. Suddenly, I am finding ways to start on work before the summer. I know that I am unhappy with my current course load and must factor that into this, but I also know that the excitement I am feeling for fall is buoying me up in ways that I could never have anticipated.

More clear than getting to work and being productive is the obvious improvement in my physical strength. I had my final day of physical therapy today. I will continue the multiple strengthening exercises and must begin to rebuild my endurance, yet the improvement I have made in the past four weeks is astounding. My physical therapist was definitely impressed, but more importantly I am too. I have always been good with focused training goals, but I have struggled with even basic exercise goals the last couple of years. I know that I would have been unsuccessful even two months ago. I am finding drive in places that have been dormant for some time.

While all of this is wonderful, the best moment came on Thursday, when a dear friend remarked on my demeanor of late. He knows me extremely well. We share a classroom this year and co-teach a summer course. In many ways he knows more about my moods and mannerisms than anyone except my wife. On Thursday he told me that I "seem more Main-like of late." While the observation seems simple and unassuming, it meant the world to me. The friend knows much of what I have experienced. He has faced (and still faces) his own major health issues and does not make statements like that lightly. Our relationship actually extends back over 12 years to his presence in my classroom as my student. Having seen so many sides of me, I know that he would not say that I am more "Main-like" unless he honestly believed it.

The road remains long. My life has taken a bizarre turn over the last six or seven years, but I know more than ever that I am on the proper path. I have many things internally and externally to overcome. Illnesses, physical and psychological, still loom over me. Yet, I know that I am moving forward. I am getting stronger and healthier. I am also working to remain relaxed and balanced. Most importantly, I continue to let myself be happy and joyful, and that is true progress.