One More Walk Down the Aisle

Another year, another graduation. Last night, I watched in awe as another wonderful group of seniors crossed the stage and received their diplomas. Every year, I find myself more stunned than the year before. A friend commented at lunch yesterday, "We never get older, but the students just keep on aging." The irony is that my friend ten years ago was a senior walking across that same stage, and I was a teacher then too.

What struck me the most, though, was that yesterday DID feel different. I do know that I am getting older. I also know that time is moving faster, at least in a relativistic sense. Some of that is a result of part-time employment. Some comes from the nature of narcolepsy. But, much of it stems from my own attempts to live in the present. Rather than anxiously worrying about "the line up" at graduation for the past two weeks, I simply trusted that the night would work. I sent out a few emails and maintained and updated the informational document, but I did not fret. As a result I suddenly found myself standing in the basement once again directing seniors to get flowers and fixing missing tassels. Crazy.

Two other elements of the night also drove home the changes in my life. The first was my complete exhaustion. Yesterday marked the fifth day in row that I "worked" a full day. Granted, I had a three day break in the middle of those five days, but still, I was way beyond my limit. My daughter and I ran a series of errands on the way home. Then, I tried to get a couple of things done in the house and made her dinner. Finally, I settled in to eat my own food, but my wife also needed to unload about her day. By the time I left for the graduation (much later than I usually head out), I was a bit worried about my ability to drive. I knew I would perk up at the ceremony, but I also thought the drive home might be dicey. The line up and ceremony did stoke my fire, and clearly, I survived the drive home. Yet, I knew the entire time that I was spent. Even the "congratulations" and hugs after the ceremony did nothing to enliven my spirits. I needed to get to bed! That is a radical departure from the past, but it is the firm reality of my present (and likely future). That said, I do enjoy being present for my students on the first night of the rest of their lives.

The second observation of the evening was my immense awareness of my own impact. I have regularly worried throughout my health ordeal that I do not give enough anymore in the classroom. Last night reminded me that nothing could be further from the truth. While members of the Class of 2008 experienced many of my worst moments during the past four years (taking numerous sick days, my medical leave of absence, teaching without medications), I know I made a difference for a number of these students. Repeatedly, students thanked me for what I had given them. One student stopped me and told me that my Composition class in her freshman year remains her favorite class at CDH. It was in that class that I missed so many days that I decided to take the medical leave of absence! Yet for this young woman, I still managed to create a class that had a lasting impact.

Lest I had any doubt about the lesson of last night, I found two notes in my box this morning. Two of my favorite students wrote to me, thanking me for what I had provided over the past four years. One was from the student speaker at graduation. What she wrote literally made me cry. The joy that welled up in me was overwhelming. In the worst physical and mental years of my life, I helped create a special experience for an amazing young woman. As a teacher you dream about reading such a letter of praise once in your career. I got two in one day! Much of what both of these students mentioned were gifts and abilities they already had in abundance. They are also stunning for even thinking about saying thank you - that's not part of the deal. At the same time, I do make a tremendous difference - even when I am run down and exhausted. I have learned so much this year, but the clearest lesson is that my narcolepsy is a hinderance, but not a deterrent. I will continue to teach and to do it well. I owe it to myself and to these students who are kind enough to remind me that I still have much to give.

Interestingly enough, today was horrid. Pushing for so long, I slept through the 1 AM dose of my Xyrem. I could not get on track all morning. I barely made it to school on time, even though my first (and only) class started at 11:50 AM. Finally, I forgot to take my 12:30 PM stimulant dose. While all of that is frustrating, I still had a smile on my face and a bounce in my step. I make a difference, and that will get me far each day - even if narcolepsy does "win" sometimes!