Daze blur bye

Please forgive the intentional typos in the title. I simply feel like this week has been a whirlwind - the misspellings capture the spinning nature of my intellect. My wife's health seems to be better, but the week certainly continued in the same vein. Tuesday featured a girl scout meeting and a band concert. Then I worked three full days at school. A friend needed to be home with his wife. They induced labor on Tuesday, and the baby was born on Wednesday evening. My colleague obviously needed to be there. The problem was that his students were delivering huge presentations. Since I used to do the same project, he asked me if I could fill in. How could I not do this for him?

I think things might have gone well, if I had not missed two 1 AM doses on Xyrem - one between Tuesday and Wednesday and the other between Thursday and today. This week also featured the seniors departure, which heightened general tension. I remain behind on everything. What caused the biggest drain, though, was the series of events that lead to Wednesday being Mike Main flashback day. Not only did I have a short night of sleep, I left our house at 7 AM and did not return until 10:04 PM. I could have sworn it was 1998 again, when those days would happen on a regular basis. Amid the full load of teaching, the two meetings, and the dinner with a friend, I managed to not only stay upright, but I also remained focused and attentive.

The same could not be said for Thursday. Wednesday had definitely sapped most of my energy. I blew a gasket in my friend's first class. I had a tough time focusing all day, and I spent the evening staring at the newspaper. I still taught well and managed to be social and cordial, but I clearly struggled to do that. Today was actually better, but I also knew that I had a three day weekend ahead. I also knew that I could get relatively caught up on my correcting. I almost passed out an hour ago, but am rallying again. I know I will sleep well tonight. I just hope that I don't miss my 1 AM dose. Of course, if I do, I will be able to take it safely at 2:30 AM and still function at ultimate practice, unlike the past three days.

What surprises me most about this week is that as tired as I am, I definitely know that I did a good job. I helped a friend and supported my wife. I taught well and got some things done around the house. I definitely provided tons of love to my daughter and found ways to be present for my students. I did all of that while knowing that I was far from my best. I know that I can't work in a full-time capacity. These past three days made that painfully clear. but, I can still push myself. I dug deeply into my reserves and did well. I don't think I would have made it one more day in that way, but I have an ocean of hope for next year.

I need to set a routine and gain more physical and mental strength, but I can still be me. Narcolepsy reduces the amount of things that I can do and the length of time that I can do them. It can't change who I am, though, unless I let it. I need to be wise and careful in my decision making, but I can also take joy in being alive. I know some of my good mood is a result of a week of sunshine. I know much of it comes from the school year ending in less than two weeks. Yet I also know that I am learning to find balance. I failed in that regard this week - at least I did in many ways. I also succeeded in recognizing that lack of balance and accepted that I could only accomplish so much when pushing myself this far past my limits. I am spent, and I am happy. Perhaps that is the greatest paradox thus far - in many different ways!