Rhythm

I love poetry. When words dance and twist in powerful verse, I find rapture. What's more, the verse can be as simple as a haiku (which aren't so simple) or as complex as Shakespeare's plays (which are poetic even when they are not). I find poetry magical regardless of rhyme or rhythm or meter or structure. That being said, I do enjoy well done rhythm. Forced, or overdone, rhythms and meters can kill a poem, but broken patterns are the worst. In a poem, when the author establishes a particular cadence and maintains it for a time, the reader expects it to continue. If it ends or suddenly shifts, the reader is thrown, or at least I am. Drives me nuts! Now, poems do exist that make major changes, but the overall rhythm does still exist. A great example is Poe's The Raven. The meter shifts and slides throughout the piece, but one eventually realizes that the pattern is far larger than a few lines. The rhythm is repeated as an entire stanza at a time. Dazzling!

I raise the issue and Poe's poem, because I am searching for the pattern in my life's poem. I am sure I would feel something similar without the narcolepsy, but I often feel like my poet is radically shifting the cadence of my song. Many times, the rhythm shifts from week to week - sometimes, within a week. Given my reaction to written poems, you can imagine how well I cope with such massive alterations within my daily life. We all have bio-rhythms. I firmly believe that, but I also know that mine swing wildly. For an entire week, I felt fuzzy and out of focus. Now, I have no energy - none. Some of that is beginning the knee and back exercises. Some is not knowing my limits. But, how can I feel so unfocused one week and then be so tired the next. Not that much is different.

I cling to the hope that this current "Mike poem" is being composed by someone like Poe. Maybe, the rhythm is bigger than I can see right now. I might need to see weeks or even months before I grasp the full range that things will run. Granted, The Raven, while a masterpiece, is not a super cheerful poem. Still, I think there is wisdom in the comparison. The speaker in that poem is also facing loss. He, of course, longs for Lenore and eventually finds (or causes) his own captivity by the raven in the poem. I have also "lost," but I think I understand that what I have lost is not something I can (or even want to) regain. I simply want to find a rhythm, a pattern of normalcy. I guess my "raven" will be demanding that it resemble some clear cut schedule - "Mike will feel fuzzy for 7 days. That week will be followed by extreme fatigue week. Fortunately, good energy fortnight is in the hole." That is completely unrealistic, but it IS what I want.

I know my body moved through cycles before. It will continue to do that. I hope I have enough insight to recognize those highs and lows. If I don't, this journey will be LONG and not in any good way. When my energy drops, I need to accept it. When I suddenly have a burst, I should appreciate my good fortune, instead of demanding more and longer stretches of strength. All of that is easy to write and hard to live. Yet, I know that typing it all has given me a little more peace. Narcolepsy is rotten, and it makes dealing with even trivial concerns toxic at times. When do most of us tend to overreact? When we are run down and tired. Narcoleptics are always run down and tired, and sometimes, it gets worse. Remembering and recognizing that might be one of the best "rhythms" that I can find in this epic poem that is my life.