Revelations

The past few weeks have been fascinating for me. As much as my narcolepsy continues to vex me, I also find it amazing. So many aspects of my life radiate from my narcolepsy. I know that much of my "boundless" energy of the past was an attempt to keep my fatigue at bay. I never allowed myself to stop moving because I knew (at some level) that doing so would cause my endorphin levels to drop. Going a thousand miles an hour allowed me to stave off the inevitable collapse. Sadly, I never saw it. I simply thought, "I play hard, and I crash hard." In hindsight, I know that it was denial, a denial that I am still working through.

Even more humorous to me is the ease with which I could pull an all-nighter whenever I needed one. I could even do it for two days in a row (and three once). Likely, I still could, but it would be rather foolish given my clear recognition of the narcolepsy. The reality is that I could stay up all night because it was what my brain and body wanted to do anyway. Narcoleptics are sleepy during the day as a result of their inability to sleep well at night. Somewhere in my brain, crossed wires send the wrong messages at the wrong time. Likely, they have been doing that since college, maybe even since high school. When I got the "pseudo-narcolepsy" diagnosis in June of 2004, my ability to pull all-nighters was one of the first things that made me think, "Narcolepsy? No way!" Like the unnatural energy, it makes such sense now.

The most important revelation of the last few weeks, though, is how much I need to take care of myself. Working part-time has been a huge blessing, but the courses I am teaching are a complete mismatch. Teaching is a good career for me, even with the narcolepsy because I am an extreme extrovert. Working with my students gives me energy. Even when my medication was much lower, or when I wasn't even on stimulants, my students would have no idea about my excessive daytime sleepiness. This year, though, I spend most of my classroom time sitting in silence as my students watch the films for our Film Study course. I knew it was a bad fit within the first two weeks, but it was only in the last two that I recognized how much it has impacted me socially, emotionally, physically and mentally. Fortunately, I will be in a far more dynamic situation next year. I will be teaching with two amazing teachers in a course that is constantly interactive.

I need to find ways at home too that will help me find strength. Part of that is getting into a routine to restore the physical health that my weight loss has cost me. An even higher priority is restarting yoga. I know that I felt most balanced in the last seven years when I was doing yoga every day. Given the reduced energy levels that I know have, I realize that I can't be rigid about daily yoga, but I also know that even short periods of daily yoga will do wonders for me. In that same vein I function best when I have a more structured day - not the same each day, but patterns that give me boundaries and direction.

Narcolepsy is awful, but it also continues to be a blessing. It is forcing me to learn a great deal about myself and will continue to do that for many years to come. Without it, I am sure that I would be pushing myself into an early grave, or at least out of an incredible marriage. The paradox that is life continues to stun me. My greatest aggravation certainly stands as my greatest gift.