Fitness

I have finished one week of physical therapy on my knee, and it is definitely starting to feel better. Of course, I think I still have a long way to go, but it nice to know that I will get back on track physically too. At the same time I have realized this past week that my fitness level is one more casualty (and weapon) in my struggle with narcolepsy.

As I tried to come to terms with all of my medication woes, I certainly could not find the additional energy to run on a treadmill or ride my bike on a trainer. Most days, I was happy to simply make it through the day, spend some time with my wife and daughter, and maybe get something done for my students. Exercising felt like a luxury I couldn't afford. The constant weight loss I was experiencing from the stimulants even made me nervous. What would happen to my weight if I did start to exercise? Of course, I now know that not pursuing physical exertion in any form not only caused major problems in my knees, but also sapped much of the natural stamina that I have always had. Some of that energy also leached away showing movies every day, instead of working with my students, but my muscular deterioration was the primary culprit.

Beyond getting into a routine for regaining endurance, I also need to remember that my stimulants do much more than simply keep me awake. My heart works hard enough that my primary doctor had to give me a beta-blocker to prevent hypertension. Even more obvious is the condition of my knees. When the physical therapist did his initial exam, he told me that loss of strength was a secondary cause of the problems. The number one issue is how tight my muscles are. I have always had rigid muscles (which could also be a part of the narcolepsy), but these higher doses of stimulants are wreaking havoc on my muscles. I often feel muscles, particularly in my legs, contracting rapidly for no good reason. Long ago, I stopped drinking caffeine because I realized that it was causing lots of problems, especially in my back. Basically, the caffeine was causing a ton of muscle spasms. I now know that the amount of caffeine I was drinking, which seemed to have no effect (gotta love undiagnosed narcolepsy), was sending my muscles into overdrive. When my physical therapist told me that my tight muscles were the major factor in my knee pain, I eventually made the connection to my caffeine abstinence. If caffeine did that long ago, of course stimulants would do this now - and much worse!

Unfortunately, I don't think abstaining from stimulants will do me any good. Unless I am willing to give up working, exercising, any interactions with my child, possibly my marriage, etc. I simply need to find a way to live with them, as I am doing with all aspects of this condition. I do know that as my knees continue to improve, I will re-start yoga. Certainly the greatest benefit will be mental and emotional balance, but it will also do wonders for my tight muscles. I felt the "best" in the past seven years during the six months that yoga was a regular part of my routine. What I was unprepared for then, was the fact that even with the yoga I am going to feel extremely run down. In 2005, I wanted to be "better," meaning like I was before everything got weird. Of course now, I am beginning to realize that my idea of before is delusional (and was then too). I am in a good place to accept both what yoga will give me and what it won't. More peace of mind and good stretching and breathing are an awesome trade-off for 20-30 minutes most days.

I guess that is the biggest piece of the fitness puzzle for me - time. As with so many things in my life, I become too focused on what TIME (that mythical, omniscient entity) will allow me to accomplish. Exercise in some form and yoga can't be beholden to TIME, or even time in lowercase. It simply must be. Living with narcolepsy is just like living with anything - I am forced to make choices. I can't control how my narcolepsy will make me feel on any given day, but I can control how I respond to those moods and that constant sleepiness. It is not about conquering the disease. I can't. But, I can find places of peace within the crazy chaos. And, I can learn to take great joy in those moments. I need to exercise and to stretch. Such simple steps are going to be the key to finding balance in this awful, bizarre state.