Gratitude

I feel blessed. While the comment sounds bizarre (even to me - the guy who wrote it) given that I have narcolepsy, it is true. I know that much more is happening in my life than just dealing with this sleep disorder. Plus, as I have noted before, the narcolepsy has caused a great deal of good, even as I have lost certain aspects of my life. The uncanny thing, though, is that in the last two weeks I have had tremendous moments that have reminded me how lucky I am.

By writing this blog and connecting to other narcoleptics on Facebook and MySpace, I have grown more comfortable. I have also helped others. Two former students and I realized that we share narcolepsy as a condition. Just that simple acknowledgment has meant the world to me. I hope I have had a similar impact on them. The idea that I "know" other narcoleptics - not "know of," but will meet them and talk to them and share experiences with them - blows my mind. I would argue that people in any condition relate best to others in the same condition. I also know that only another narcoleptic can fully appreciate the wacko nature of this disease.

My good fortune runs well beyond finding those two. On Facebook and MySpace, I have found comfort in the stories of others. Reading a forum post about medication issues makes my heart leap. I see the tales that others tell, and possibly tell my own, but for each of us we can feel "normal" in our frustration that nothing ever works quite as well or as long as we had initially hoped. The gift is in the acceptance. No one doubts your story or questions your approach. We each know that even the craziest stories must be true because ours feel just as strange. I also marvel at the earnest and heartfelt compassion that exists in every response. Each narcoleptic knows the isolation and fear that our condition brings, particularly when a narcoleptic does not have others to connect with on a daily basis.

But even those joyous moments pale in the full light of my greatest reward. I am surrounded by people who lift my spirits. My wife and daughter make each day better than the day before. Regardless of how severe my EDS (excessive daytime sleepiness) might be, they shower me with love and acceptance. Just yesterday, my daughter made sure that I got to watch her perform her solo in front of a judge at a solo and ensemble festival. She played her trombone marvelously. I would have missed it because I didn't have the energy to figure out if I could watch or not. She made sure that I was there. As for my wife, I think she should have tossed out my sleepy butt years ago. Instead, she loves me more, narcolepsy and all. But, I get love in every aspect of my life. I am well supported at school. My colleagues do their best to understand and support me. I am fortunate enough to share a room with one of my best friends, who has faced (and continues to face) significant medical issues of his own. Even my students recognize how important it is to offer me the support they can. Just today, while watching Annie Hall, each of my classes look at me and laughed with me when Annie tells Alvy about her relative with narcolepsy who died after getting his union turkey. It was sweet.

The final place that I feel like incredible these days, even when I have a horrid headache and awful fatigue (today), is here. This blog remains a place for me to reflect for me, but I am stunned that people in four different countries have read pieces of it. I am honored that nearly 30 people would have taken the time to read what I have written. I know that some of you are family, and some of you are friends, and some of you might never meet me face-to-face. I am grateful for all of you and touched that you would spend even a few minutes with me. I hope the time is well spent and that you get something from the effort. I first realized how much knowing you are all out there meant when I read an anonymous comment a few days ago. The person posted that this blog was helping the poster understand a best friend's narcolepsy. As much as the poster was thanking me, I felt that I got the true gift. We all touch others daily, often having no idea of our impact. That poster let me see that, if nothing else, my narcolepsy helped me give in a way I never could have without it. And that, more than anything, is why I am blessed with this crazy condition.