I still want yoga to become a habit, but I also know that I need other ways to relax myself. My psychiatrist showed me a fantastic breathing exercise that I can do in two to three minutes and certainly some of my yoga exercises can be done for a brief centering routine. Still, I know I need something more substantial. I also realized yesterday that I have it! The Benson-Henry Institute at Massachusetts General Hospital specializes in Mind Body Medicine. A few months ago, I bought 3 of their CDs. While I had listened to parts of them, I had not "used" them until yesterday. While waiting for my massage, I put on my iPod and enjoyed track one of Creating a New "Now" by Ann Webster. It is fantastic and helped me relax muscles that were in terrible knots (the massage ALSO helped).
Even more exciting, though, was that it finally dawned on me that my teaching schedule for this next year has two perfect windows built into it that will allow me to meditate with Dr. Webster's CD or the others. I can do it DAILY if I want. Best of all, my internal reaction to that insight was joy, rather the guilt I likely would have felt even a year ago. My contract requires me to have a prep and four class periods. These windows are not a part of that. I will certainly choose to use them at times to do work for my school, but the key word there is "choose." That time is mine, and using it in whatever way is best for me - mentally, physically, emotionally - will be glorious. In the past, I know I would have forbidden myself from even considering using a time period like that for meditation. Now, I am looking forward to doing that. It is in moments like these that I think, "maybe I can overcome my hang ups." Of course, I know that the journey to do that will only take my lifetime.
Being aware of what is going on within me and living in the present are my two biggest goals for this next school year. By using these windows in my school day wisely (for correcting AND fulfillment), I will make it much more likely that my "schedule" blocks will work and be effective. All of this simply continues to build my enthusiasm for the coming school year. Hooray!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Decent Doctoring
I have certainly railed here about my poor health care experiences. I also hope that I have acknowledged that I am lucky in many regards with my medical care. My therapist, psychiatrist, acupuncturist, chiropractor, massage therapist, otolaryngologist, and primary physician are all excellent. One thing that I did not feel completely confident about, though, was my pulmonary doctor - the person most responsible for treating my narcolepsy. I certainly knew that he had experience with narcoleptics, but the last time I saw him was in March. At that point I had not found any online support, had not been to MOONS, had not written anything on this blog, and (most importantly) had not started coping with this disease.
Since that appointment, I have learned a ton about myself. I also have learned a great deal about this condition. Reading the horror stories of other narcoleptics and beginning to recognize how infrequently even pulmonary doctors encounter narcolepsy, I began to wonder about my own care. My doctor seemed to be doing things right, but I still had my doubts. I felt so alone and unsure in March. I had no idea what to ask or what "normal" might be. Maybe, my doctor was simply humoring me and didn't have a good idea of how to treat me...
I have never been happier to admit that I was completely wrong to doubt him. I finally saw him again yesterday, and the appointment went extremely well. Certainly, I have much to continue to learn about how I am going to live with this condition, but we had a fantastic conversation. He clearly knows what is happening in terms of research and treatment. He is also wonderfully personable (which I have always enjoyed about him) and definitely cares about both my physical condition and my mental condition. It was comforting to leave his office firmly knowing that I have an excellent physician guiding me medically in this journey. The biggest thing for me was my decision, after talking to him, to try using "medication holidays." On weekends and longer school breaks, I will actually not take my stimulants when possible. By holding off at those times, I hope to increase the effectiveness of the stimulants during my work week. I am also hoping that it will keep me from needing to increase my doses as my condition progresses. It may not work, but at least it gives me something to attempt since I already feel like my stimulants are less effective than they were before.
My doctors can only make a partial difference in how I live with narcolepsy, but it sure feels wonderful to have sincere confidence in them. Doubt is often one of my worst enemies. It often rattles around in my brain causing me tremendous stress - usually highly unnecessary stress. Having this confidence allows me to focus my energy on settling into a good routine and adapting to the patterns of my day, rather than pondering whether I am on the right meds or at the correct dose. I am grateful for the decent doctors in my life!
Since that appointment, I have learned a ton about myself. I also have learned a great deal about this condition. Reading the horror stories of other narcoleptics and beginning to recognize how infrequently even pulmonary doctors encounter narcolepsy, I began to wonder about my own care. My doctor seemed to be doing things right, but I still had my doubts. I felt so alone and unsure in March. I had no idea what to ask or what "normal" might be. Maybe, my doctor was simply humoring me and didn't have a good idea of how to treat me...
I have never been happier to admit that I was completely wrong to doubt him. I finally saw him again yesterday, and the appointment went extremely well. Certainly, I have much to continue to learn about how I am going to live with this condition, but we had a fantastic conversation. He clearly knows what is happening in terms of research and treatment. He is also wonderfully personable (which I have always enjoyed about him) and definitely cares about both my physical condition and my mental condition. It was comforting to leave his office firmly knowing that I have an excellent physician guiding me medically in this journey. The biggest thing for me was my decision, after talking to him, to try using "medication holidays." On weekends and longer school breaks, I will actually not take my stimulants when possible. By holding off at those times, I hope to increase the effectiveness of the stimulants during my work week. I am also hoping that it will keep me from needing to increase my doses as my condition progresses. It may not work, but at least it gives me something to attempt since I already feel like my stimulants are less effective than they were before.
My doctors can only make a partial difference in how I live with narcolepsy, but it sure feels wonderful to have sincere confidence in them. Doubt is often one of my worst enemies. It often rattles around in my brain causing me tremendous stress - usually highly unnecessary stress. Having this confidence allows me to focus my energy on settling into a good routine and adapting to the patterns of my day, rather than pondering whether I am on the right meds or at the correct dose. I am grateful for the decent doctors in my life!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Team Teaching
Rapidly, my summer is drawing to a close. Usually, this is when I begin to panic about what I have NOT done in terms of preparation for the coming school year. Now, I certainly love my job - I would be an idiot to do it, if I did not, since the pay is less than impressive - but summer never seems quite long enough to unwind and then get ready to go again. Surprisingly, narcolepsy does NOT help (in any way) with pulling resources together. Yet, with all of those factors weighing in against me, I simply am not feeling the stress this year.
Certainly, I am thinking about what I need to get done. I have many tasks that I need to complete before my students arrive (literally in two weeks). The difference is that I am working with two other amazing teachers for the coming school year. We have already met together for over thirty hours this summer. We have another meeting scheduled for Friday and two more next week. All of that time is needed for joint planning, but it is also allowing us to form ourselves into a true team. Our plan is to work together every day. Often one person will be the "lead," but even on those days the other two will be in pre-planned supporting roles. Even more importantly, we are discussing how with each unit, with each assignment, we are hoping to help our students grow as people and as learners.
While I knew last spring that I definitely needed a change in my teaching load, I could not have fathomed being this excited. I will be able to use my part-time teaching load to stay balanced. I also have two people who will help me maintain that balance. But, this Grade Nine "Values Symposium" course is filled with material that I love. So, I am entering a school year excited, prepared, wiser, and determined. That sounds pretty good to me.
The key words, of course, are "good to me." More than anything, I need to keep my physical, emotional and mental health as the top priorities in my life. Narcolepsy forces me to do that. When I don't, I wind up getting sick (as has been the case over the past two weeks). I have a ton to offer in the classroom. Working on this team will let me do that in a meaningful way - far more than has been the case in the past few years. My narcolepsy is real, but it can't change who I am at my core. I know that this school year will be good, even on the days when everything goes wrong. I am alive. I have an amazing wife and daughter. I get paid to do something I love. Narcolepsy or no, I'm a lucky man!
Certainly, I am thinking about what I need to get done. I have many tasks that I need to complete before my students arrive (literally in two weeks). The difference is that I am working with two other amazing teachers for the coming school year. We have already met together for over thirty hours this summer. We have another meeting scheduled for Friday and two more next week. All of that time is needed for joint planning, but it is also allowing us to form ourselves into a true team. Our plan is to work together every day. Often one person will be the "lead," but even on those days the other two will be in pre-planned supporting roles. Even more importantly, we are discussing how with each unit, with each assignment, we are hoping to help our students grow as people and as learners.
While I knew last spring that I definitely needed a change in my teaching load, I could not have fathomed being this excited. I will be able to use my part-time teaching load to stay balanced. I also have two people who will help me maintain that balance. But, this Grade Nine "Values Symposium" course is filled with material that I love. So, I am entering a school year excited, prepared, wiser, and determined. That sounds pretty good to me.
The key words, of course, are "good to me." More than anything, I need to keep my physical, emotional and mental health as the top priorities in my life. Narcolepsy forces me to do that. When I don't, I wind up getting sick (as has been the case over the past two weeks). I have a ton to offer in the classroom. Working on this team will let me do that in a meaningful way - far more than has been the case in the past few years. My narcolepsy is real, but it can't change who I am at my core. I know that this school year will be good, even on the days when everything goes wrong. I am alive. I have an amazing wife and daughter. I get paid to do something I love. Narcolepsy or no, I'm a lucky man!
Friday, August 8, 2008
Stellar Star (Wars)
Thankfully, I felt well enough today to accompany my family to the Star Wars exhibit. It was spectacular. I thought the coolest aspect of the experience was the way it showed real life connections to the science fiction elements of Star Wars and its universe. For the Tatooine and Hoth items, parallel material about horribly hot and cold spots on Earth was woven into the video comments. Even more interesting was the extensive information about robotics and integrating machines and medicine. My daughter also loved her opportunities to build robots and levitating magnetic vehicles. She even got to drive one - it was no Landspeeder or Pod Racer, but it was sit incredible.
Unfortunately, everyone seemed to be dragging by the time we left, though. Initially, we were hoping to go out to lunch, but tempers started to flair. Instead, we headed home for a light lunch. We even threw in Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. It was a blast to wath it after having been at the exhibit. I ran an errand and then tried to work MORE on the tree. Even though it was all down, I needed (and still need) to get rid of all of the branches. I did take care of half the branches. While I did stop, I may still have pushed too hard because I can already feel the cold getting worse. It didn't help that my blood pressure was high when I took it at my pharmacy while waiting for my prescriptions today. Still, I was glad to get something done, especially since my wife is feeling tremendously anxious these days.
As I was finishing up, my wife told me that she, my sister-in-law and my daughter were going to the Ramsey County Humane Society and then a few other spots. I asked if I could go, and it thrilled my wife. While I was tired, I certainly wanted to continue spending time with all three of them. The Humane Society is relatively close to our house, but we don't go too often because we ALL want to bring home something. Since we already have 3 cats, it is NOT a good idea for us to add to the chaos. My daughter also tends to get overly emotional when we say, "no," to yet another animal. Thus, we also stay away to keep the tears to a minimum. Sadly, today was no different. We all loved looking at the cats and dogs (they had a TON of adorable kittens), but my daughter because fixated on bringing home a cat. She then cried in the car all the way to our next stop. To make matters worse, that next stop was specifically to get something she wanted, which the store did not have.
We worked to make the best of everything, but my daughter's mood (along with everyone else's fatigue) continued to sour the evening. We stopped on the way home to get dinner, and when we got home, we put in a movie that my daughter wanted to watch (Stranger than Fiction - which the three adults had watch two days ago and LOVED). My daughter's demeanor did not seem to brighten much. My sister-in-law crashed. Then, I did too (I could also feel my sinuses filling). I headed to bed assuming that my wife and daughter would finish the film, but they stopped it soon after I left. I worried that it was because of me, but they decided to watch the Olympics instead. Soon, they came to the bedroom to watch it (which defeated the purpose of me leaving the other room, but what the heck). The bigger problem, though, was that both of them had become even more foul in their moods. Fortunately, they dozed before things got too ugly.
My fear now is that this lingering anger (and angst) that we all have will carry over into tomorrow. My daughter is clearly in the horrid throes of impending puberty. My wife has way too much going on, and she is worried about me, her work, our house, our daughter, and approximately a thousand other things. Then, there's my stuff. I know right now that I will feel completely drained tomorrow. Yet, I worry that I will have to push myself because my wife will be so worked up. I also dread the possibility that I may need to be the referee for my wife and daughter - since they were both borderline irrational by the time they fell asleep tonight. I know that I don't have the strength for any of that. At the same time, what do I do if I am needed? These are the moments when my narcolepsy drives me insane. I do okay when everything is calm, but how often does that happen? Most of my life is chaos, and this disease simply doesn't afford me the capacity to cope in moments of crisis. Worse, I can go for days "handling" what comes, but one day (or hour) of pushing beyond the pale leaves me devastated for days. How is that fair or manageable? Beyond "fair" for me, how am I supposed to accept the incredible burden that my health leaves on my wife? Isn't she allowed to have down times? Yet, when she does, how am I supposed to step up when I have nothing to give?
Obviously, things will get better. Perhaps everyone will wake up happy tomorrow. I can't spend my life or time worrying about what tomorrow might or might not bring. That is not being mindful of the present. Still, I at least needed to let the thoughts and frustrations out so they wouldn't fester in my mind until morning. I also do need to be aware of the lack of health that is definitely a reality tonight. I need to sleep now. The new day will bring new wonders and challenges. If I am sick, I will rest when I can. If everyone else is insane, I will bring what peace I can. I need to care for them, but I also need to care for me. Balance will come, eventually.
Unfortunately, everyone seemed to be dragging by the time we left, though. Initially, we were hoping to go out to lunch, but tempers started to flair. Instead, we headed home for a light lunch. We even threw in Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. It was a blast to wath it after having been at the exhibit. I ran an errand and then tried to work MORE on the tree. Even though it was all down, I needed (and still need) to get rid of all of the branches. I did take care of half the branches. While I did stop, I may still have pushed too hard because I can already feel the cold getting worse. It didn't help that my blood pressure was high when I took it at my pharmacy while waiting for my prescriptions today. Still, I was glad to get something done, especially since my wife is feeling tremendously anxious these days.
As I was finishing up, my wife told me that she, my sister-in-law and my daughter were going to the Ramsey County Humane Society and then a few other spots. I asked if I could go, and it thrilled my wife. While I was tired, I certainly wanted to continue spending time with all three of them. The Humane Society is relatively close to our house, but we don't go too often because we ALL want to bring home something. Since we already have 3 cats, it is NOT a good idea for us to add to the chaos. My daughter also tends to get overly emotional when we say, "no," to yet another animal. Thus, we also stay away to keep the tears to a minimum. Sadly, today was no different. We all loved looking at the cats and dogs (they had a TON of adorable kittens), but my daughter because fixated on bringing home a cat. She then cried in the car all the way to our next stop. To make matters worse, that next stop was specifically to get something she wanted, which the store did not have.
We worked to make the best of everything, but my daughter's mood (along with everyone else's fatigue) continued to sour the evening. We stopped on the way home to get dinner, and when we got home, we put in a movie that my daughter wanted to watch (Stranger than Fiction - which the three adults had watch two days ago and LOVED). My daughter's demeanor did not seem to brighten much. My sister-in-law crashed. Then, I did too (I could also feel my sinuses filling). I headed to bed assuming that my wife and daughter would finish the film, but they stopped it soon after I left. I worried that it was because of me, but they decided to watch the Olympics instead. Soon, they came to the bedroom to watch it (which defeated the purpose of me leaving the other room, but what the heck). The bigger problem, though, was that both of them had become even more foul in their moods. Fortunately, they dozed before things got too ugly.
My fear now is that this lingering anger (and angst) that we all have will carry over into tomorrow. My daughter is clearly in the horrid throes of impending puberty. My wife has way too much going on, and she is worried about me, her work, our house, our daughter, and approximately a thousand other things. Then, there's my stuff. I know right now that I will feel completely drained tomorrow. Yet, I worry that I will have to push myself because my wife will be so worked up. I also dread the possibility that I may need to be the referee for my wife and daughter - since they were both borderline irrational by the time they fell asleep tonight. I know that I don't have the strength for any of that. At the same time, what do I do if I am needed? These are the moments when my narcolepsy drives me insane. I do okay when everything is calm, but how often does that happen? Most of my life is chaos, and this disease simply doesn't afford me the capacity to cope in moments of crisis. Worse, I can go for days "handling" what comes, but one day (or hour) of pushing beyond the pale leaves me devastated for days. How is that fair or manageable? Beyond "fair" for me, how am I supposed to accept the incredible burden that my health leaves on my wife? Isn't she allowed to have down times? Yet, when she does, how am I supposed to step up when I have nothing to give?
Obviously, things will get better. Perhaps everyone will wake up happy tomorrow. I can't spend my life or time worrying about what tomorrow might or might not bring. That is not being mindful of the present. Still, I at least needed to let the thoughts and frustrations out so they wouldn't fester in my mind until morning. I also do need to be aware of the lack of health that is definitely a reality tonight. I need to sleep now. The new day will bring new wonders and challenges. If I am sick, I will rest when I can. If everyone else is insane, I will bring what peace I can. I need to care for them, but I also need to care for me. Balance will come, eventually.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Feverish Frustration
I was supposed to go to the zoo today. I was supposed to enjoy the day with my wife, my daughter and my sister-in-law. Instead, I spent it on the couch, under a blanket, with my temperature slightly elevated. Even more annoying is that I am positive that today's health woe is directly connected to pushing too hard yesterday. I have been doing a good job of balancing things for the past week, but I went too far yesterday.
Since the weekend juggling a house guest, school prep, housework and mental health has been flowing well. We have had a great time going places with my wife's sister. I continue to grow in respect for my teaching team and in excitement for the coming school year. My yoga and exercise have not fit, but I have been breathing and have remained calm. I even have managed to get big and little projects done in the house. Best of all, though, I have done all of this while still taking care of my physical health.
Unfortunately, I started on another big project yesterday. We are hoping to have some major work done on our house and garage. As a result of that, we needed to remove a decent sized tree (10 years old or so) from behind our garage. I thought it would fairly simple, but I was definitely wrong. I took one look at the tree and realized that I needed to get onto the roof to remove branches. While I was up there, my saw died, but I got the branches off.
I was exhausted and wisely went inside to rest and to have lunch. I had already had a four hour meeting that morning, and we were hosting a family cook out that night. I sat for an hour. Then, I made a horrid mistake. I assumed that I could quickly finish the tree. Since I had a second battery pack and only the trunk to cut down, I figured the cutting would go quickly. Invariably, the trunk was thicker than I thought, the wood was young and hard to cut, and the battery died quickly. I also became fixated on finishing. I pushed through because I was worried (irrationally) that I would leave the job unfinished. Fearing that weeks from now my wife and I would be fighting about the tree truck, I got the hatchet from our garage. I also know that my "estimations" can often be WAY off. I truly believed that I could chop the remaining tree down fast.
The actual process tool much longer - on the order of a half hour. I flailed away at the trunk. The blisters that developed on my right hand still hurt today. In fact the one that popped while I worked made me nervous at first. I thought it might be infected, but I was wrong (thankfully). I did get the tree down, but my whole body was shaking. Somehow, I settled down and had a good evening. My wife did most of the work when our guests arrived, but I even did some cooking and cleaning.
What drives me insane, though, is that I didn't sleep well. Then, I woke this morning and knew that I was sick again. I felt lousy, just like I did last week after trying to play ultimate. I understand that I need to be careful with my exercise and exertion, but it drives me nuts that one bad decision can derail me for at least a day. I am worried that it might even be more than one day. It took me three to four days to "recover" from ultimate. I also know I felt WAY worse yesterday than I did last Wednesday. I will cope with whatever tomorrow brings, but my mood will be dismal if I feel this sick or worse. We are supposed to go see the Star Wars exhibit at the Science Museum of Minnesota. I want to do that with my family, AND I REALLY want to see the exhibit. I just can't understand how my body can be this frail. It's crazy, absolutely crazy.
Since the weekend juggling a house guest, school prep, housework and mental health has been flowing well. We have had a great time going places with my wife's sister. I continue to grow in respect for my teaching team and in excitement for the coming school year. My yoga and exercise have not fit, but I have been breathing and have remained calm. I even have managed to get big and little projects done in the house. Best of all, though, I have done all of this while still taking care of my physical health.
Unfortunately, I started on another big project yesterday. We are hoping to have some major work done on our house and garage. As a result of that, we needed to remove a decent sized tree (10 years old or so) from behind our garage. I thought it would fairly simple, but I was definitely wrong. I took one look at the tree and realized that I needed to get onto the roof to remove branches. While I was up there, my saw died, but I got the branches off.
I was exhausted and wisely went inside to rest and to have lunch. I had already had a four hour meeting that morning, and we were hosting a family cook out that night. I sat for an hour. Then, I made a horrid mistake. I assumed that I could quickly finish the tree. Since I had a second battery pack and only the trunk to cut down, I figured the cutting would go quickly. Invariably, the trunk was thicker than I thought, the wood was young and hard to cut, and the battery died quickly. I also became fixated on finishing. I pushed through because I was worried (irrationally) that I would leave the job unfinished. Fearing that weeks from now my wife and I would be fighting about the tree truck, I got the hatchet from our garage. I also know that my "estimations" can often be WAY off. I truly believed that I could chop the remaining tree down fast.
The actual process tool much longer - on the order of a half hour. I flailed away at the trunk. The blisters that developed on my right hand still hurt today. In fact the one that popped while I worked made me nervous at first. I thought it might be infected, but I was wrong (thankfully). I did get the tree down, but my whole body was shaking. Somehow, I settled down and had a good evening. My wife did most of the work when our guests arrived, but I even did some cooking and cleaning.
What drives me insane, though, is that I didn't sleep well. Then, I woke this morning and knew that I was sick again. I felt lousy, just like I did last week after trying to play ultimate. I understand that I need to be careful with my exercise and exertion, but it drives me nuts that one bad decision can derail me for at least a day. I am worried that it might even be more than one day. It took me three to four days to "recover" from ultimate. I also know I felt WAY worse yesterday than I did last Wednesday. I will cope with whatever tomorrow brings, but my mood will be dismal if I feel this sick or worse. We are supposed to go see the Star Wars exhibit at the Science Museum of Minnesota. I want to do that with my family, AND I REALLY want to see the exhibit. I just can't understand how my body can be this frail. It's crazy, absolutely crazy.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Living Life
One of my primary goals for the next year is to live honestly and openly in the present. I spend so much time worrying about "what's next" that I often miss "what's now." I know that doing my yoga, meditations and breathing exercises will help, but I want to keep my mind firmly grounded in the moment. One of the more ironic aspects of this is that my MITY co-teacher and I have been discussing "mindfulness" with our students for the past two years. As a result I am far better know than I have ever been in the past, but I still create waves of anxiety for myself whenever any "event" is approaching. The definition of "event" can range from stepping back from ultimate to presenting something to a large group, from basic correcting and lesson planning to taking my daughter to play tennis. If that sounds broad (and slightly insane), I would agree.
I know that I am far too focused on "perfection." I tend to want everything to be a masterpiece. That is neither wise, nor possible. I also "know" that and then find myself obsessing over my foolish tendency, which is even more unrewarding. I have gotten better about letting go of my perfectionism, but I also trap myself by trying to "calculate" the time commitment I will need to "finish" any particular event. Rather than simply starting and doing what I can do, I mentally wrestle with the theoretical and complete little to nothing (which often leads to more self-deprecation). I hope to avoid that trap by planning on specific periods of time, rather than thinking about the "end" of my work.
Setting a schedule has always been dangerous for me because (in an effort to "get it right") I tend to become rigid in my schedule. I do fine for a while, but nothing ever goes exactly as planned. Thus, the schedule derails and I give up - why do it if I can do it "properly"? (I am such a black and white thinker!) What I am hoping I can do over the rest of the summer and during this coming school year is to plan blocks of time, rather than specific activities. By carving out the blocks, I can vary my activities. I can also have a set period for me, a set period for my family, a set period for school work, a set period for exercise and yoga.
I know that I need basic structure to my day. Without it, I tend to get "lost" in the onslaught of potential activities. During the school year, I do better because "have to" aspects of my job tend to keep me more focused. Right now, though, I struggle because 10 things need to get done and I can't prioritize them well. I want to set up this schedule so I can quantify times to address some things. Accomplishing them will certainly help my general mood. That, in turn, will bring me more energy. Of course, energy is the root of most of this worry (both rational and irrational). As I have said before, in the past I could simply plow through everything in my path. Now, though, I know that is not realistic, not is it healthy. Thus, I get scared about putting too much of myself into anything, often leaving me cut off from everything.
The idea of this schedule does have balance at the core. By ensuring time for exercise, me and rest, I am creating something much better than "do your school work first, then get to what your family needs, and then in the left over time take care of Mike." Usually, that plan would last for a few weeks. I would initially get the school work and some family things done, but as the school stuff began to pile up, the household items would also disappear. Finally, since I rarely did anything honestly good for me, the entire system would collapse, and I would fritter away tons of time mindlessly watching television (until panic would set in an I would blaze through a number of things - half-assed - wiping out any energy reserves I might have left). I know that being more dedicated to daily time for me will serve everything in my life much more wisely.
Another major reality that I must confront, though, is my desire to "over-correct" everything that I get from my students. I always want to fix everything in a piece of writing. That is not possible (I love writing entries like this - can you spot the theme of your life, Mike? Um, is it constantly trying to do everything when that is neither logical nor physically possible? YES!). Instead, I need to focus narrowly on specific skills, and then I need to hold my students accountable for maintaining those skills. I feel like that is possible during this next school year, and that has me excited. Not only do I have two excellent colleagues to assist me in holding to that, but also we are meeting and planning so much that I will have many things ready before the school year begins. By knowing the skills we want to see in a specific assignment, it will be much easier for me to keep those in mind, rather than trying to "teach" about every writing flaw on every page.
I think it is wonderfully humorous that my post on "living in the moment" has been dominated by thinking about the coming school year. The reality is that I need to ponder these things right now so I can devote the rest of this summer to establishing these healthier patterns. By teaching myself now how to live in the present, the year will be much better. By balancing school planning with exercise and yoga, by recognizing my need for personal time with the need to connect with my family, I will accomplish much more than trying to do it all in each moment of each day. I feel good about setting these boundaries now. I want to be mindful and present in each thing I do. That intentionality will serve me well in every aspect of my life. Doing that will allow me to make my narcolepsy live with me, rather than the converse that I have felt for much of this past year. A friend pointed out my "error" the other day, and I definitely like the inversion significantly more. Now, I will make it a reality.
I know that I am far too focused on "perfection." I tend to want everything to be a masterpiece. That is neither wise, nor possible. I also "know" that and then find myself obsessing over my foolish tendency, which is even more unrewarding. I have gotten better about letting go of my perfectionism, but I also trap myself by trying to "calculate" the time commitment I will need to "finish" any particular event. Rather than simply starting and doing what I can do, I mentally wrestle with the theoretical and complete little to nothing (which often leads to more self-deprecation). I hope to avoid that trap by planning on specific periods of time, rather than thinking about the "end" of my work.
Setting a schedule has always been dangerous for me because (in an effort to "get it right") I tend to become rigid in my schedule. I do fine for a while, but nothing ever goes exactly as planned. Thus, the schedule derails and I give up - why do it if I can do it "properly"? (I am such a black and white thinker!) What I am hoping I can do over the rest of the summer and during this coming school year is to plan blocks of time, rather than specific activities. By carving out the blocks, I can vary my activities. I can also have a set period for me, a set period for my family, a set period for school work, a set period for exercise and yoga.
I know that I need basic structure to my day. Without it, I tend to get "lost" in the onslaught of potential activities. During the school year, I do better because "have to" aspects of my job tend to keep me more focused. Right now, though, I struggle because 10 things need to get done and I can't prioritize them well. I want to set up this schedule so I can quantify times to address some things. Accomplishing them will certainly help my general mood. That, in turn, will bring me more energy. Of course, energy is the root of most of this worry (both rational and irrational). As I have said before, in the past I could simply plow through everything in my path. Now, though, I know that is not realistic, not is it healthy. Thus, I get scared about putting too much of myself into anything, often leaving me cut off from everything.
The idea of this schedule does have balance at the core. By ensuring time for exercise, me and rest, I am creating something much better than "do your school work first, then get to what your family needs, and then in the left over time take care of Mike." Usually, that plan would last for a few weeks. I would initially get the school work and some family things done, but as the school stuff began to pile up, the household items would also disappear. Finally, since I rarely did anything honestly good for me, the entire system would collapse, and I would fritter away tons of time mindlessly watching television (until panic would set in an I would blaze through a number of things - half-assed - wiping out any energy reserves I might have left). I know that being more dedicated to daily time for me will serve everything in my life much more wisely.
Another major reality that I must confront, though, is my desire to "over-correct" everything that I get from my students. I always want to fix everything in a piece of writing. That is not possible (I love writing entries like this - can you spot the theme of your life, Mike? Um, is it constantly trying to do everything when that is neither logical nor physically possible? YES!). Instead, I need to focus narrowly on specific skills, and then I need to hold my students accountable for maintaining those skills. I feel like that is possible during this next school year, and that has me excited. Not only do I have two excellent colleagues to assist me in holding to that, but also we are meeting and planning so much that I will have many things ready before the school year begins. By knowing the skills we want to see in a specific assignment, it will be much easier for me to keep those in mind, rather than trying to "teach" about every writing flaw on every page.
I think it is wonderfully humorous that my post on "living in the moment" has been dominated by thinking about the coming school year. The reality is that I need to ponder these things right now so I can devote the rest of this summer to establishing these healthier patterns. By teaching myself now how to live in the present, the year will be much better. By balancing school planning with exercise and yoga, by recognizing my need for personal time with the need to connect with my family, I will accomplish much more than trying to do it all in each moment of each day. I feel good about setting these boundaries now. I want to be mindful and present in each thing I do. That intentionality will serve me well in every aspect of my life. Doing that will allow me to make my narcolepsy live with me, rather than the converse that I have felt for much of this past year. A friend pointed out my "error" the other day, and I definitely like the inversion significantly more. Now, I will make it a reality.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Ultimate Undoing
After wrestling with my thoughts for a week, I finally decided today to pull the plug on my ultimate season. I wrote to my captains earlier in the week, asking if I could come to some practices, but not play in tournaments. That felt cowardly and empty, though. I also felt that I was unfairly laying my problem at their feet. So, I wrote them again today and my team. I know this is the right decision, but it is still hard to accept.
In the end I came to terms with my current physical reality. I am in decent shape physically and mentally, but the demands that I would put on my body, even at an occasionally ultimate practice, are too taxing. I would love to pretend that I would make good decisions at the practice, but I know that I would not. Because I have lived with narcolepsy for so long and have learned ways to draw on energy that should be doing other things - like keeping my immune system functional - I would play fine at practice. I would then pay for that effort over the next week, or more. My summer cold continues to linger. I am willing to guess that my trip to the ENT in a few weeks will show more inflammation and possibly a sinus infection.
Those consequences are unacceptable. Part of being smart about my life is knowing when I have to step away, even from things that I love. I do hope that I will be able to slowly build my physical strength and endurance back to a point that I can practice and play ultimate at the competitive level. But, I am not there currently and I need to be honest with myself. I have a good schedule for my teaching and the right course (I think). I am also starting to grasp how I can be present for my wife and daughter and still be effective in the classroom. Doing that, while living with narcolepsy, is a massive accomplishment. Not playing ultimate, while disappointing, is a small price to pay to stay on track with those other priorities.
The other reality is that, while I have managed to re-start my yoga, I am still not exercising regularly on my own. One reason is that I am still recovering from playing ultimate a week and a half ago. Trying to go to practice out of some warped sense of loyalty or irrational belief that I have to be there for "me" only serves to undermine the very wellness that I am trying to build. I am much better off finding 30 minutes here and there to do some basic exercising that will allow me to survive the school year and to diminish the sense of fatigue that I have each day.
Ironically, I thought of Santiago from The Alchemist as I wrote both of my emails. I too am leaving behind things that I love to embark on a scary new journey. I do believe that ultimate is part of my Personal Legend, but I also know that things may happen on this quest that never allow me to return to playing this game that I adore. Yet, had I tried to "stay" and play, I would wind up miserable. Choosing this path affords me the chance to return in the future more whole and balanced. If I am able to walk this route, I will enjoy ultimate that much more, rather than becoming bitter by pushing now and failing horribly. I need to continue to practice the patience of Santiago. Like the young shepherd, I must learn to read the signs of the world, opening myself to the universal language without words. I know that I am right in understanding that all the omens told me it was time for a break from disc. It hurts, but the weight of the world lifted when I sent those emails today.
In the end I came to terms with my current physical reality. I am in decent shape physically and mentally, but the demands that I would put on my body, even at an occasionally ultimate practice, are too taxing. I would love to pretend that I would make good decisions at the practice, but I know that I would not. Because I have lived with narcolepsy for so long and have learned ways to draw on energy that should be doing other things - like keeping my immune system functional - I would play fine at practice. I would then pay for that effort over the next week, or more. My summer cold continues to linger. I am willing to guess that my trip to the ENT in a few weeks will show more inflammation and possibly a sinus infection.
Those consequences are unacceptable. Part of being smart about my life is knowing when I have to step away, even from things that I love. I do hope that I will be able to slowly build my physical strength and endurance back to a point that I can practice and play ultimate at the competitive level. But, I am not there currently and I need to be honest with myself. I have a good schedule for my teaching and the right course (I think). I am also starting to grasp how I can be present for my wife and daughter and still be effective in the classroom. Doing that, while living with narcolepsy, is a massive accomplishment. Not playing ultimate, while disappointing, is a small price to pay to stay on track with those other priorities.
The other reality is that, while I have managed to re-start my yoga, I am still not exercising regularly on my own. One reason is that I am still recovering from playing ultimate a week and a half ago. Trying to go to practice out of some warped sense of loyalty or irrational belief that I have to be there for "me" only serves to undermine the very wellness that I am trying to build. I am much better off finding 30 minutes here and there to do some basic exercising that will allow me to survive the school year and to diminish the sense of fatigue that I have each day.
Ironically, I thought of Santiago from The Alchemist as I wrote both of my emails. I too am leaving behind things that I love to embark on a scary new journey. I do believe that ultimate is part of my Personal Legend, but I also know that things may happen on this quest that never allow me to return to playing this game that I adore. Yet, had I tried to "stay" and play, I would wind up miserable. Choosing this path affords me the chance to return in the future more whole and balanced. If I am able to walk this route, I will enjoy ultimate that much more, rather than becoming bitter by pushing now and failing horribly. I need to continue to practice the patience of Santiago. Like the young shepherd, I must learn to read the signs of the world, opening myself to the universal language without words. I know that I am right in understanding that all the omens told me it was time for a break from disc. It hurts, but the weight of the world lifted when I sent those emails today.
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