Lucky in Love

After I posted on Saturday, my evening took an ugly turn. My wife came out to try to get me to come to bed. We were both painfully aware that I had pushed too much over the previous week, and she was hoping that I would actually get to bed before 11 PM for the first time in a week. I was too. The problem arose from her making a lighthearted, but irritating, comment and from me taking it completely the wrong way. She said, "don't you want to be with me?" Now, I adore her, but I had just spent the last three hours with her. I had also gone out to get everyone dinner even though I too was completely exhausted. Sadly, I did not find her comment amusing. Instead, I thought she was upset with me. I overreacted by storming to the bedroom and slamming around the house. As one might imagine, my wife did not appreciate that behavior, especially after a week of neglecting all of my household responsibilities.

I did attempt to discuss the situation with her that night, but she needed more from me than I could give. I was also unwilling to apologize for getting upset at her comment. Thus, I went to bed, and she eventually followed. The added irony is that the next day was our seventeenth wedding anniversary. Upon waking Sunday morning, I got my breakfast together, mad her coffee, and then went back to the bedroom, planning to make sure she knew how much I love her. We proceeded to explore the events of the evening, the disappointments of the previous week, and possible ways that we can avoid such volatility in the future. As strange as this may sound, it provided a perfect beginning to our anniversary. We communicate well most of the time, but even after seventeen years of marriage (preceded by our and a half years of dating and engagement), we constantly push ourselves to find even better ways to connect.

Of course, my narcolepsy factors into all of this. It did before too, but in some ways things are even harder (at least for the time being) now. Previous to my diagnosis, if I was struggling with my workload, I could say and hope that I would find a better way to get the work done. Most of the time, my sense of conviction came from believing that I could push even harder than I was. Now, though, I know that I likely can't push harder. I can for brief periods, like I did last week, but the price is a period of even more extreme exhaustion - and that certainly won't help me get my share of the housework done. The other "problem" of late is my tendency to explain to my wife and my daughter that I didn't do something, or exploded, or wasn't listening because of my narcolepsy. This realization jumped out at me during that Sunday morning discussion. My wife and daughter are painfully aware of my condition. They don't need me reminding them of it, just as I don't need others doing that to me.

Please don't hear this as a wish that I was still undiagnosed. I know that my interactions with my wife are already getting better as I continue to discover how to accept this condition. Even more importantly, the narcolepsy has slowed me to the point that I do need to listen to what she is saying so I can find the right ways to approach her. Before my excessive daytime sleepiness became unbearable, my solution to upsetting my wife was to be super husband - clean everything I can, do all of the chores, dote on her endlessly. That route is no longer an option, and quite honestly I know she was underwhelmed by it - but, she knew I was trying.

More than anything, I need to find a way to do a little bit each day. By setting patterns and maintaining a good (and realistic) base line both my wife and I will be happier and more joyful. We both recognize that I am unable to do half of the housework. She is not asking for that. More than anything, she wants me to be present for her and our daughter - to listen, to hold, to love. Do I still need to get something done? Of course. My wife was already the primary financial support for our family even before I went to a part-time schedule. Now, I bring in about a fourth of our income; she brings in three-fourths. Given that, she has tremendous demands and pressure on her at work. If I don't help manage the house, it looks like a garbage pit within a week.

Which brings me back to Sunday. Our house is still recovering from my MITY focus last week. Things are a bit better today, and I still have some energy left. It is so humbling to realize that entering financial information on a computer and cooking a pork roast can sap most of my energy, but that is my reality. The goal must remain that I do what I can and take pride in that. I am not worried if it will be enough for my wife. Anything I do will thrill her because she does know how hard all of this is for me. I am truly blessed in that regard. So many narcoleptics have families and spouses and partners that question the validity and extent of the fatigue. Instead, my wife showers me with praise for everything that I do. Certainly, she has issues that need work in our relationship, but she is always seeking ways to improve. In fact one of the more interesting moments on Sunday morning came when she asked me what I need. She has asked that before and is always responsive to my requests. But, I tend not to have many. She mentioned that she must be doing a good job of anticipating my needs. I agreed, because she does, but I also raised the fact that I have never honestly explored my needs. Perhaps I will have a few more things that I need from her. It is all part of learning how to be good to myself while still recognizing my role within this marriage and family.

Sunday was a great day. I treasure the time I spend with my wife, particularly when we talk to one another so openly. My best suggestion as to how we avoid letting disappointments fester is that we start having those exchanges once a week. She loved the idea, but the execution of it needs to come from me. She can't feel like it is her responsibility, or the rewards of the dialogue will be lost for her; she will feel like she made me do it. Thus, I have a goal - I need to get time on the calendar for next Sunday. I need to share with my incredible wife. Most days, I wonder how I could be so blessed, but I am working simply to accept my good fortune rather than use it as another way to denigrate myself.

P.S. Dr. J. Steven Poceta commented on my last post and has written about this blog on his own for Revolution Health. I would be remiss if I did not let all of you know that he has tremendous insights. I checked out his blog and am now subscribing to it. He discusses a wide range of sleep issues, but in my opinion insights for sleepy folks with sleep apnea and restless leg syndrome certainly can benefit narcoleptics as much as insights for sleepy folks with narcolepsy. Thus, if you are looking for other material to help in your own struggle with narcolepsy, do check out the Sleep Expert.