I am limited. I can't do nearly what I think I can, and that is okay. I need to make HUGE signs with that message on it. Then I need to post them - in my office, in my car (although not on the windshield), in my classroom, in my heart. Accepting the reality of narcolepsy remains one of my largest struggles. Today, I did more correcting than I can ever remember doing in a single day of MITY. More impressively, I did that after waking up completely exhausted. Major victory, right? Apparently it is everywhere but my brain.
By the end of class today, my sixth full day in a row (a new record since the diagnosis), all I could recognize was that I was further behind in terms of comments than when I had started the day. How could that be possible after my most productive day ever? Twenty-seven brilliant teens don't just chill in week two. They write more! Somehow, I thought I could come home and get more work done. I didn't, at least not right away. I did edit a fee more things tonight. But, now it is technically tomorrow (Tuesday). I will sleep soon, hoping to get more done during class. Still, the reality is that I can't do this - not the way I want to do it.
Fortunately, I am well aware that I am giving what I can. I also know that our students are having a wonderful time in class. I need to internalize that more, so I berate myself less. Sadly, such things are easily said, but far from easily done. Coming to terms with all of this will be the journey of my life - it is the reason for this blog. I may not like it, but I can never change it. Thus, I look for the joy and ride out the pain.
I do need to make wiser decisions, though. It finally struck me this morning that trying to team-teach a full time class for two weeks is a massive strain on me, but trying to do another one solo (even for six students) is insane! I will do a good job and survive Session B, but something miraculous will have to take place for me to do it again next year. As much as I love MITY, I need to think about things in broader terms. My year long teaching exhausts me. MITY recharges me in some ways, but it also pushes me even harder - especially our Session A class. I don't want to let down co-teacher, but even more so I can stand the idea of disappointing these amazing young women and men. It was hard to articulate, even to myself today, but this is likely my final year for Session B. While that makes me sad, I know it is right.
This disease is hard. It continues to challenge every aspect of my life. Forcing me to examine my priorities, narcolepsy also helps me to sort through the chaos of reality. Rarely have I had to make definitive choices in my life. That has put me in an elite minority of privileged people for years. That is no longer the case, but it means that my true character has a chance to shine. I can rise to the occasion by doing what my body allows, or I can become bitter and petulant railing against a condition that I can't control. I definitely hope for the former, but know that the latter is also possible. I firmly believe that God gives us no more than we can handle, but I often wonder if I am wise enough to let God help me find the strength for this. Fortunately, I keep getting better at looking for help. Let's hope that trend continues.
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4 comments:
Atta way. It takes character to find positive in such an unfair situation. The way you're making yourself a better person through all of this is truly inspiring and admirable.
I have narcolepsy too. I sometimes read your post, but you write so much, i don't get through it all. I curious about where your expectation to be able to do 'more' comes from. Is it a comparison with how 'productive' you were before you got narcolepsy? Or from observing other people? Or neither? I've always had narcolepsy, so i can't really compare now-self with old-self, though i can compare now-self with prediagnosis self (8 years ago). And that's complicated - i am less productive now, but i think there's lots of factors involved. One thing is that maybe sometimes quantity has given way to quality...MAYBE - it's just a thought. I notice occassionally how much i am comparing myself to others in terms of achievements. But mostly i find that the people i admire most don't visibly 'do' so much - but what they do has a special 'quality' to it. I think society encourages us to look at outer material achievements as rewards for energy expended, but it can be more tricky to discern the qualitative aspects of our lives, and the energy that goes into them. Hope that makes some sense. I spend alot of time daydreaming about theories in relation to narcolepsy/energy/states of consciousness but communicating well about such ideas is another thing entirely.
xanatrilby- Very good point. I find myself thinking about energy/motivation/productivity too.
I often wonder if narcolepsy giving me the excuse to be lazy or if I really am unable to do things. I tend to have 2 speeds - highly productive (it happens more and more infrequently lately) and not productive at all. There is no middle ground. Either I have the energy and "where with all" to do the dishes, pick up the toys, fold the laundry, etc. or I've got nothing.
xanatrilby and nature_mom, all of your points are well taken. I too spend a lot of time looking at how narcolepsy has given me/allowed me to have a much healthier perspective in terms of my daily expectations. xanatrilby, your questions are good, and I don't know all of the answers. I have always felt "driven." I know a piece of it is family-of-origin stuff. A huge piece is that I am (and always have been) externally motivated. I also think, more and more, that being a "work-a-holic" was a mental defense mechanism against my undiagnosed narcolepsy. By never sitting down, I could fight the EDS (even before I "knew" I had it, and WELL before the 6 years of extreme EDS that preceded diagnosis). My dad (who I believe is narcoleptic) is very much the same way. When he is up and moving, he is fine. When he stops, he doses all the time. Thanks for reading and thanks for the excellent posts.
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