Crashing Hard

I never cease to be amazed by the after effects of pushing past my limits. I know my selective memory helps preserve my sanity - if I remembered exactly how drained I would be after something MITY, I might stop doing things altogether (which would literally drive me insane - me, alone with nothing to do? Disaster in the making). Still, it irritates me to know end that some part of me thinks I will be productive after the strain of the past two weeks.

I would not change ANYTHING that I did during my course. It truly is a labor of love. Rather, I would love to have perspective heading into the aftermath weekend. I went to bed last night honestly believing that I would hit the ground running today. I would relax some, but I would also get books put away clean the house, organize the office... That is INSANE! I dragged myself out of bed, putter for while, took a call from a dear friend and then went to see him. We chatted for a few hours, and then I drove home. By the time I arrived, I was done. I had nothing left for my wife, my daughter, or even myself.

I regret nothing about the day. I did exactly what I wanted, but delusionally I thought (and some part of my still thinks) that I should have done more. How? I have no idea. With what energy? Also an excellent question, to which I have no response. Yet, even with my rational brain in complete agreement with this being a good day, that dissatisfaction sits in my gut and gnaws at me.

Even as I write this, I am realizing that the negative voices are not something to be conquered. I can't control them, just like I can't control my Excessive Daytime Sleepiness, or hypnogogic dreams, or the other effects of my narcolepsy. Rather than denigrating myself for these irrational thoughts, I must embrace them. These messages and expectations are a part of me. I can't undo that. I also know that some of my success in coping with my narcolepsy has been accepting its reality and my lack of control over it. In that vein, admitting that I am powerless over these false beliefs about what I should do may lead me to having more peace. It is clear that no amount of effort/discipline/punishment will stop my outlandish ideals from popping up, but I can decide about acting on them. I think I already do a much better job of that. I didn't come home and push myself to get my list finished. The other element now is recognizing that I also want to avoid reacting to the thoughts. While I have wisely not done the work, I regularly get frustrated with myself for letting those ideas creep back into my head. That reality is impossible to achieve!

I am still exhausted, even with that cool insight. I will go to bed and sleep. I will arise in the morning and do what my body allows. I will certainly believe (in at least part of my brain) that whatever I do tomorrow - it will not be enough. Knowing and admitting that may help me face the disappointment and anxiety. I can only do what is possible. And, given the wonderful and woolly week that I had, possible will likely be minimal.