More than anything else in my teaching career, I adore working at my summer job - the Minnesota Institute for Talented Youth. I teach in their Expand Your Mind program. The entire program is amazing. Gifted and talented youth from all over Minnesota (and other states and other countries!) come together for incredible two week courses. Not only are the students brilliant and wise beyond their years, but they also simply have a good time learning. Whether it is a class in chemistry or mathematics, acting or architecture, these young women and men plunge into the material and have a blast learning.
I have been lucky enough to now be teaching my eighth Session A course. Better yet, I get to do it with a dear friend. We literally lucked into the course and have become veterans of the program. Our course is a creative writing workshop that always attracts a huge group of students. In fact we have our largest roster ever this year - 27 students. I always get excited teaching, but when I have a room full of hunger learners, I am in heaven. I honestly enjoy MITY (the acronym is pronounce "mighty" and we abuse it as an adjective) more than anything else that I get to do in my teaching career.
The problem, though, is that my passion for MITY causes me to raise my personal expectations, particularly for me. These students are ultra-intelligent and deserve the utmost effort from their teachers. While I usually worry that I am not giving them enough, I feel like I am truly not delivering what they deserve this year. The day runs from 8:30 AM to 4 PM. That is longer than a full day at my regular job, plus we don't really take a "break" during the day. Since I nearly collapsed after three full days of teaching during the school year, I am not sure how I am still functioning at all after three days of MITY. Granted, I have not done much during the hour and a half that we have for lunch and Rec Time (something I usually throw myself into, which also is causing me guilt this year), but I have essentially worked on class stuff the entire time.
Some of my current angst started well before the class began. I tend to over prepare for everything, and thus NEVER feel ready for anything. This year, though, my co-teacher and I literally worked together for two hours on course materials. We both did work separately, but on the whole we barely scratched the surface of our previous efforts. Now, we both know the material and the course extremely well, but I would guess neither of us is as comfortable with our daily schedule as we have been in the past. The other major issue is that we are in a new classroom after using the same room for the previous seven years. One would think that a room would make almost no difference, but we went from a gigantic room to one that is (at best) one third the size of our old room. We do have a second room for breaking out during editing and writing time, but it is not the same. I also know it is impacting our students. Usually they are spread out all over the place. Now, they are literally on top of each other. Everything just feels off.
In the end, though, my frustration boils down to narcolepsy once again stealing something I love. I am afraid to get wildly insane like I have in the past. I can't afford to get crazy because I will pay for pouring out too much energy. Driving myself at all costs me, but pushing well beyond my limits borders on the dangerous, particularly when I try to do it for two weeks straight. While I know that and realize that, I am daily confronting a room of students who desperately deserve an instructor who is willing to lay it all on the line. Thus, I feel like I am letting them down, and I feel like I am trying harder than I should. Bottom line, I am doomed on both ends, and narcolepsy once again is at the core of my angst. I hate that!!!!!!
The class is going well - I know that. Unfortunately, I want and expect better than "well." I worry that it won't reach the magic level it has in the past seven years. I worry that these students won't feel the connections and joy that I have seen MITY (and this course) bring in every other year. My co-teacher and I are both "off" in terms of our lives. I know my narcolepsy is causing me to struggle in ways I have not experienced before at MITY. I don't know what my co-teacher would say, but my gut says he would likely agree in terms of his own issues. I think that I am the luckiest man in the world getting to teach this course to these students with such a wonderful educator and friend, but all of those positives make me see the negatives with frightening clarity this year.
I keep working to stay in every moment. I can't control much of what happens in my life. I certainly have power over my reaction to those events, but even that is mitigated by my narcolepsy. Unbearable fatigue does make calm patience an easy thing to achieve, especially when working with high energy, hyper-intelligent teens. I have to be accepting of the realities of my life. Narcolepsy prevents me from doing everything that I would like to do. It impacts my teaching - regularly and often. That situation doesn't change simply because MITY is more fun and better than any other teaching gig. While I hate that, I can't change it. I just don't know if I can accept it. And, if I can't, I worry about my personal anxiety when the class ends next Friday because there is no question that I will fall short of what I believe I should be doing for these students.
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2 comments:
I know what you mean about being afraid to put all your energy into something and it resulting in total fatigue, unbelievable, almost unrecoverable exhaustion. But it is a balance that we, as narcoleptic, need to learn for ourselves and our bodies. We are invisibly handicapped and it doesn't mean we can't do everything we want to do...it just means we need to do it on our terms, and in a way that accommodates our unique situation. I hope that you are surprised and your MITY weeks turned out as good as they have in the past.
1. You're giving all you dare. If you feel like you're letting people down, you *could* explain it, but it's your personal business, so you do what make you comfortable. You already mentioned the narcolepsy. If someone feels resentful after they understand what struggle you're waging, they have to deal.
2. Yeah, the room is different. I think we're all enjoying the new room pretty well. I haven't heard any complaining, and I think you're flexing excellently. Your idea with Roller Derby was great---you're a good man because you can roll with the punches despite all your disappointments and frustrations.
3. Again, I know you're frustrated. I don't think you're unprepared and I think you're more perky and loud this week than you were in session of 2007. :) We're important, but l think every student would agree that you're important too. Everyone likes you in there and we ALL want the best for you. So do yourself every favor you need. MITY isn't just for us---its for you [and Kevin] too.
4. Mum read this as well [she's invested in you and MITY too] and she thought the fact that the majority of the students are returning is contributing to the feel of the class. We're all comfortable with each other. So if you think we're less energetic or more subdued because of you/you and Kevin, don't forget most of us know each other very well and we're feeling relaxed.
I want to give you all the support you need...so that'd be why I'm writing and writing and writing. You're expecting a hell of a lot of yourself, which makes you stressed. My counselor says "A perfectionist is good at what they do DESPITE the perfectionism." You're a wonderful man and a wonderful teacher. Give yourself some air.
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