Battling the Blues

Vacations and breaks are good and bad for me. I definitely needed to rest and relax, which this time off is allowing (at least in a small way). The problem, though, is that I continue to feel compelled to do things. When I have free time, my brain continues to race with everything that is un-done. That might sound odd, or even insane, to some, but it is the best way that I can describe what happens inside my head. When I have time to think, the tapes in my head regurgitate each task that I have yet to accomplish. Often, the resulting effect is stressed out paralysis - which does little to relieve the overwhelming anxiety. Needless to say, I know that these irrational thoughts are one of the largest burdens that I will face as my life moves forward.

A portion of this self-defeating trait must be genetic because I know that my mother, my grandmother, my aunt, and my great-grandmother all have (or had) the same types of tendencies. Clearly, it is also learned behavior. Watching all of those women in my life push themselves certainly rubbed off on me. My father also never stops moving, although I remain convinced that his behavior is also a way to cope with undiagnosed sleep issues (quite possibly narcolepsy). The third element, though, is me. I do know ways to cope with these messages, but I tend to let them drift to the wayside as I get busier (and more tired) during the school year. The best way for me to cope with this proclivity for irrational delusions about my work load is yoga and meditation. Closing following those two techniques is exercise. When I am stronger and more balanced mentally, emotionally, and physically, I am better able to fend off and ride out the onslaught of "missed opportunities" that can crash over me when I try to have down time.

Unfortunately, I do let yoga and exercise disappear when I am pressed for time and energy. Both do make me stronger and improve my endurance, but they require time and physical strength too. Rarely do I prioritize my need for them over my wife and daughter, or my job. In this on-going journey of narcolepsy, I need to press my personal agenda. If I do not, it will hurt me, my family, my colleagues, and my students. The reality is that things that make me more complete need to be at the top of my list, rather than in the "if I have time..." category. The truth is that I will NEVER have time for that category.

I find it ironic that even now I am writing this blog post to keep the negative messages at bay. Already this morning I have conceived of more work to do than I could hope to finish in a week. But, because I am run down and still recovering, the messages flood my brain - clean the fish tank, clean the kitchen, clean the office, sort the mail, organize the pictures, re-organize the computer files, get the books moved at school, write up the MLA formatting rules, vacuum the house, change the cat litter, do the laundry, pack for the trip, get the money entered, finish the taxes, and those are just the things that I need to do "today." Typing that list scares me because part of me truly believes that I should do ALL of that today. Then, another voice reminds me that I can't do it because of my narcolepsy and because I am weak. I know that all of that is irrational, but when I am this tired, I struggle to fully accept the irrationality of those ideas. Thus, they feed my depression and anxiety further.

In the end, I simply must embrace this portion of my journey. Playing ultimate (and my long walk on Monday) reminded me that exercise does help me. Slowly, I will find a way to work yoga and exercise back into my routine. Poco a poco, I will make the changes that I can, both to live a more balanced life and to recognize that I can be a person with narcolepsy and still have joy and contentment. Likely, the path will extend to the end of my time, but at least I know I am moving in the proper direction, even if it is one slow, small step at a time.