Simple Successes

I often am amused by my need for completion. As much as a piece of me hungers to never reach conclusions, another piece lives to "get things done." I actually hate housework because no matter how often or how well you clean, or scrub, or sweep, or work, things always wind up dirty, or messy, or cluttered, or undone, once again. It is the insanity of home ownership, the madness of chores. As a result, I tend to love mundane tasks, like folding laundry or organizing specific items.

This trait is on my mind because we are putting our CDs into large cases. For years we have had our hundreds of CDs in various racks. We have tried to keep them in different locations, but they always seem to be in the way. My wife got two 336 disc cases last weekend, and I have been putting the CDs into those cases. I needed to get two more today, but am making tremendous progress. While that is good in some ways, I also know that I am obsessing about it. I NEED to finish because I also hate when simple projects like this are undone. Something about the "closure" of completing a task like this gives me fulfillment - at least for a day or two. Of course, the obsessiveness can undermine any benefits.

Tonight, I had hoped to find the two additional cases at a local electronics store. It is where my wife got the first two. Unfortunately, the store did not have more. I then checked two other stores to no avail and found my angst rising constantly. I know that part of my believes that the entire Thanksgiving break would be a lost if I did not find these cases, because I HAD to finish organizing the CDs. That is crazy, and I know it. Yet, I still felt the same way. Fortunately, a relatively new store at a local mall did have two more cases. I experienced ridiculous relief when I discovered them.

I am glad that simple tasks can ground me, but I also know that I need to keep working on long term tasks like the CDs being "unfinished" for a time. Getting obsessive about uncompleted tasks definitely saps my strength. Even worse, I can lose sight of other responsibilities when I am swept up in irrational devotion to a massive, but clear cut, activity. I can't organize CDs at the expense of correcting the papers from mid-October that I still have not finished. Those written pieces need grades by Monday. It is not an option. But, I honestly could forget them because I desperately want to complete the CDs. It is crazy, literally.

Balance remains my goal. I know it will take years for me to even approach a moderate level of living in the middle of things. My brain is so conditioned for black and white, all or nothing - I hate it. Yet, it is who I am. By accepting that reality, I can free myself from the shame of it. I can challenge myself more openly, while still being kind to myself. Invariably, all of this comes home to roost in the nuances of my narcolepsy. Since I can't control my body, I want to find it somewhere. What I must internalize is that control is an illusion at all times. I am starting to feel it, but I worry that full comprehension is also years away.