Managed Madness

Life continues to roll along. I have survived until the end of my first trimester at school. My wife has returned from visiting her family for her brother's funeral. Thanksgiving break is nearly here. I am stunned at my exhaustion, but also am impressed by my resilience. The ferocity of life has not broken my spirits. Instead, I find that I am getting better at acceptance. My "slump" continues, but I am relatively at peace with that. I have managed to get a few things done each day, even as my sleepiness seems to be growing again. In fact, I nearly fell asleep in the mid-afternoon yesterday. Regardless, though, I know that I am accomplishing what I can.

Certainly, I would love to do more each day, but I recognize that it will continue to take time. I desperately want to work exercise and yoga into my daily routine. I also want to have more order in my daily life. Gratefully, I am gaining enough wisdom to see that those things will take large stretches of time to become habit. Beyond adopting a "little by little" approach to such goals, I also understand that lifestyle choices that my wife and I have made certainly diminish the possibilities of regular routines. What I can do, though, is continue to evaluate what commitments in my life I should keep and which I would be better off letting go. The process is not easy, but it is honest and needed.

More than anything, I hope to find stability within my life with narcolepsy. Certainly, the condition is making my life difficult of late, but I know that I also have a hand in that. I continue to push myself at school and in the evenings. I am not sure if I can do my job "well" and be a good parent and husband without doing that, but the exertion is definitely fomenting the strength of my narcolepsy. That said, I see my narcolepsy as an even greater blessing of late. Hardship and suffering are not something I would wish on others, but I definitely find that I learn a great deal from them. I am certain that my life is more rich because my narcolepsy helps me to appreciate even the smallest successes. I adore paradox! Truly I do.

I have no idea how I will continue to negotiate the chaos that is my daily life, but I don't plan to spend time dwelling on it. My goal remains making it from one moment to the next, one day to the next. Living in the present, being mindful of now, is what has grounded me so well of late. I know it is the proper path for my continued journey.