The continued chaos of my life regularly leads me back to pondering what is the right direction for me. I know that I need to stay active. If I don't, I worry that I will be overwhelmed by the anxiety that constantly builds up within my brain. But, I worry that I will drive myself into the ground. Even though I have gotten significantly better at saying "no," I am still too willing to over commit myself. Helping others is deeply important to me, but I need to work on boundaries.
That said, I continue to wonder if teaching is the right place for me. I do love my job, but I also worry constantly that I am not doing enough for my students. Rationally, I know that I am doing good work. Certainly, I am doing the best that I can, but is it enough? Am I providing the instruction that my students deserve? More importantly, I need to examine the impact of those feelings on my psyche. Worrying about what I am doing does not help my mental health. I am proud that I am handling my insecurities well. While I do have dark moments each day, my prevailing mood is upbeat. I do know (and believe) that I am doing the best that I can each day.
Even that knowledge, though, trips me up. If this is the best I can do, and I can't keep up with the minimum expectations of my job, is it responsible or ethical to continue in that profession? I don't have an answer, but the issue is regularly on my mind. I have much to offer my students, but I also need to ensure that they are getting the instruction that they deserve. The realities of all this far exceed my abilities. I truly do not know what is right or wrong, or if an answer even exists. What I do know is that I will continue to do my best. I will find what energy I can and parcel it out as fairly as possible.
Amid it all, I do realize that I must take more for me. I need to exercise. I need to do yoga. I need to have time and space that is mine. How that will fit with teaching, parenting, volunteering and loving, I have no idea. My life will be what it will be. I will breathe and move and sleep and live.
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Dear Mister Main,
(This is Elissa Schufman, if that's important.)
I don't know how much things have changed between when I was your student (was it really almost 7 years ago?) and now, but I just want to thank you for being an amazing teacher. I believe that on your worst day you are a better teacher than almost anyone I've ever known -- to say nothing of you on your best day.
What I found most amazing about you was that you brought the entirety of who you were to the table every day. You were the first teacher I had who treated your students like people rather than children to be watched. You shared everything that you were with us every day, even if what you were sharing was not a paragon of academic or personal perfection.
I know you have always had students who didn't take the chance you gave them, that saw your openness and invitation to conversation as a chance to slack off, but for me -- for those of us who wanted to take your hand and be your peer in the learning process -- you were the best teacher we could have hoped for. You are compassionate, intelligent, full of depth and with so many faults just like the rest of us. But more than anything you are courageous enough to let everyone see who you are. It is a kind of courage I strive for every day.
I can't tell you how much of an inspiration you were -- how much of an inspiration you still are, fighting to be yourself every moment. Whatever you do in life, wherever things take you from here, if you choose to leave academics or not, I have no doubt that you will always be teaching. It is how I will always remember you, and how I will try to pass your courage on.
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