Flailing Frustration

Knowing that I have narcolepsy, I work diligently to have realistic expectations for myself. Certainly, I continue to overestimate (grossly) what I can accomplish - in a day, in a week, in a month. That said, though, I have gotten significantly better both in my estimation and in my acceptance of what I can accomplish. Nevertheless, I continue to have difficult and aggravating experiences focused on my inability to do even simple tasks.

Over the past weekend, I desperately wanted to clean our home office - finally. It has been a major goal for months. I will get close, but never quite finish the job. Even with the exhausting week that I experience at the end of April, I made some progress on Saturday. Sunday proved to be a whole other matter, though. I awoke with a tremendous headache which only got worse. I did try to continue my efforts in the office, but would find myself aimlessly drifting from one thought to another. Rather than being able to clean a small section, I struggled to form even basic thoughts.

Eventually, I found the pain subsiding. But, I was not content to clean one or two more things. Instead, I worked to restring one of our cellular shades. I quickly figured out what I needed to do, but the process itself was tedious and nerve-wracking. When I finally finished, and had (stall HAVE) the shade working, I went to see if my wife wanted to look at it. Turns out that it was 1 AM. I had completely missed my first Xyrem dose - oops. I am proud that I got the cellular blind ready for us, but I know that the price I paid for that was likely too high. I functioned decently on Monday and today, but I also know that I was not entirely comfortable with my focus. My judgment and cognition go out the window when I am overly run down. I just wish that I could be lucid when I WANT to be, but that is no longer reality.

Thus, I must continue to work on acceptance and balance. Those things will come with time. I am stunned at how well I do on most days, but that does not mean that I have to like that reality.