Ebbing Energy

New year, old issue. I spent the entire week reminding myself that "re-starting" is terribly hard for me. I don't regret anything from my break, but having two weeks "off" from my normal schedule was devastating to my ability to function at school and at home. My daughter was sick on Monday, so I missed the first day back. I still got up and tried to work, but I did not exert the energy that I would have at school. The rest of the week, I limped through school and crawled through my evenings. I got the bare minimum done each night, and I still have a ton to correct that I had hoped to finish over the break. Finally, I spent the entire day yesterday attempting to find some enthusiasm and verve. Didn't work. I made a small amount of progress today, but the correcting remains untouched.

My frustration in all of this is that I continue to experience the same things over and over, AND I let them get to me each time. My angst around the current fatigue is not nearly as bad as it has been in the past, but I am still upset. I am also struggling to get work done, work that must be finished soon (hopefully some of it tonight). Even as I type these words, I have more "unresolved" tasks flooding my head. I am realizing that I will be lucky to get comments on even a handful of papers. But, that will be better than nothing.

I must continue to accept what I am given and let go of what escapes me. One paper corrected is one less that I will need to do tomorrow. Plus, I made a difference for at least two students last week with the extra help that I provided them at school. Ironically, I participated in a Gallup survey today. The phone call was humorous because I felt like I was all over the place with my responses. I am definitely in a healthy income bracket and know that I live a good life, but I am also unhealthy and depressed - both because of my chronic condition and because of my anxiety. At the same time, I had to remember when I got off of the phone that I am incredibly lucky to live the life that I have. We have a beautiful house and savings. Both my wife and I are blessed to have jobs that we love, and our daughter receives an excellent education at her school. So, even though narcolepsy makes my life far from simple, I am blessed to have so much. It does not change the agitation that I often feel from my low energy, but it does help to ground me in my daily living.