We had a fantastic day on the road today. We experienced little heavy traffic, avoided any and all foul weather, and got from Hammond, IN to Saint Paul in LESS than eight hours. That includes two pit stops (one of which was also a re-fueling stop) and an hour long lunch at the Norske Nook in Osseo, WI. My wife did a bulk of the driving, but I also took a shift. While it taxed me, I handled the situations and my mood better than I did yesterday.
I drove from just across the Wisconsin and Illinois border until the first Dells exit. It turned out to be more than we had planned on me driving, but part of that was how frazzled I was at the end. Most of the stretch was good, but traffic got boggy around Madison (which frustrated me again). I also struggled with the argument that my wife and daughter had around the same time. My daughter is amazing, but she is also twelve (soon to be thirteen). She has a HUGE heart, but is prone to defensiveness whenever she is forced to confront uncomfortable issues. My wife was suggesting that our daughter start practicing her trombone soon. That did not go over well, and the ensuing conflict resulted in our daughter (once again) being disrespectful to my wife. I did not explode, but I wanted to do so. I fumed about it, though, which made my wife nervous. To her credit, she gave me space (and encouraged our daughter to do the same). My wife also confronted our daughter about the disrespectful language - in a calm and appropriate way. While I did wind up pushing 20 miles farther than I had initially planned (due to a cruddy set of circumstances - poor lane changing and an unhelpful exit configuration), we all stayed grounded.
Other than that one moment, the rest of the trip was fairly low key. All three of us were thrilled to get home, but also had a blast on vacation. I truly can't remember another trip that ended this well. My wife and I both got some work done tonight, and we created a rough plan for the week. She needs to get a presentation planned, so she is likely going into her office tomorrow even though she took the day "off." I am hoping to get one or two small things done around the house, but I am making a conscious effort to keep Monday and Tuesday light because I know I need to recover from the trip, particularly the realities of spending two long days in the car. Our daughter was scheming plans for herself three days ago. She even went to a friend's house tonight. I am looking forward to spend a least two or three days with her during the next two weeks. It should be fun to "goof off" with her even as I get myself into school mode.
Showing posts with label Travel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Travel. Show all posts
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Travel Tension
On the whole, today has been great, but as was the case on the way down to Tennessee, narcolepsy did choose some choice moments to rear its ugly head. In an attempt to create a smooth departure this morning, we all packed last night. Ironically, that effort paid off for us (those things usually backfire in some way). We were on the road by 6:25 AM - a significant improvement from a week ago Friday (when our 6 AM departure turned into 8 AM). My wife was on edge as we left, but I knew that she was definitely sick still, and her angst quickly passed.
The problem, though, was that due to my wife's illness I needed to drive more than I had on the way down. I took my first driving shift right after we entered Kentucky. I managed to get us passed Lexington, which was over 100 miles of our trip. I drove for nearly an hour and a half. Unfortunately, I found myself in heavier traffic toward the end of that time (no doubt due to passing through Lexington). Still, I handled things well, but I could feel some tension building. My wife definitely gets worried as I begin to fade behind the wheel. Still, I was pleased that I drove that far and helped out that much.
Because it was so early, we continued to push on. My wife drove us into Indiana. We finally stopped for lunch at this great little restaurant in Scottsburg (Jeeves & Company). Our lunch was wonderful, and I took my second dose of amphetamine right after we ate. My wife definitely needed me to drive again. I knew that I was already exhausted, even with the stimulant, but felt I had no other choice. Thus, I got behind the wheel and knew that I would be fine in terms of safety. The problem was that driving would take all of my energy. My wife dozed during some of the time, but she woke up as we began approaching Indianapolis. Like Lexington, traffic began to get dicey as we approached the metropolitan area. Finally, a truck cut into the left lane (at 65 mph) when the car in front of me and I were both moving at 80 mph. Needless to say, I was furious. I then drove through the next 30 to 40 miles in rapid, lane-shifting traffic. I wanted to get us around Indianapolis before switching. But, the speed and my bad mood made my wife more and more anxious.
When we finally reached an exit that would allow us to switch, I was attempting to explain my awful mood to my wife. Sadly, the gas station we wanted to reach was not immediately at the exit, AND the bottom of the ramp was incredibly confusing. I did make the correct decision, but had no way to know that at the time. Because every ounce of energy that I had was going into keeping the car on the road safely, I derided myself for the rotten signage. This only upset my wife more. After the mile had almost passed, we were approaching a different interstate and could not see the gas station. Because I was so far gone, I cut my wife off as she was attempting to "help" me. I plead with her to say nothing and to let me figure out how to find the gas station. Seconds later, I spotted it just passed the other interstate, but she also saw it and chose to let me know where it was. That definitely sent me into a tailspin.
I got us to the station, and we snapped at each other about the situation. We soon reconciled, but as I got out right after the initial exchange, I was literally shaking aas I was pumping the gas. I had nothing left from the driving. In fact, I nearly exploded when the pump failed to print my receipt. Fortunately, my wife had already apologized to me. I managed to walk (or stomp) inside and nicely ask for a copy. I then apologized to my wife and again attempted to explain how hard such a situation is for me. It drives me nuts that my energy is so limited in moments like that. I truly did not have the ability to interact with her (or myself) civilly because I needed all of my mental accuity to keep us safe in the car. That is crazy, but it is also reality.
Fortunately, my wife and I are exceptional at sharing, listening, and forgiving. I know that she meant well, and she knows that I truly did not try to upset her. She also appreciates that I did much more of the driving today. She still did the majority, but I did drive for over 3 hours and handled over 200 of our miles. Narcolepsy will certainly continue to be a bane - in my travels, in my marriage, in my life. But, I must simply continue to accept what it gives me and make the best of each day. Gratefully, we got to our hotel by 3 PM and have had a slow evening to gather strength for tomorrow. We are all excited to get home. I hope that tomorrow goes well and that my narcolepsy lets me have enough strength to drive and to be kind even when the roads are tense.
The problem, though, was that due to my wife's illness I needed to drive more than I had on the way down. I took my first driving shift right after we entered Kentucky. I managed to get us passed Lexington, which was over 100 miles of our trip. I drove for nearly an hour and a half. Unfortunately, I found myself in heavier traffic toward the end of that time (no doubt due to passing through Lexington). Still, I handled things well, but I could feel some tension building. My wife definitely gets worried as I begin to fade behind the wheel. Still, I was pleased that I drove that far and helped out that much.
Because it was so early, we continued to push on. My wife drove us into Indiana. We finally stopped for lunch at this great little restaurant in Scottsburg (Jeeves & Company). Our lunch was wonderful, and I took my second dose of amphetamine right after we ate. My wife definitely needed me to drive again. I knew that I was already exhausted, even with the stimulant, but felt I had no other choice. Thus, I got behind the wheel and knew that I would be fine in terms of safety. The problem was that driving would take all of my energy. My wife dozed during some of the time, but she woke up as we began approaching Indianapolis. Like Lexington, traffic began to get dicey as we approached the metropolitan area. Finally, a truck cut into the left lane (at 65 mph) when the car in front of me and I were both moving at 80 mph. Needless to say, I was furious. I then drove through the next 30 to 40 miles in rapid, lane-shifting traffic. I wanted to get us around Indianapolis before switching. But, the speed and my bad mood made my wife more and more anxious.
When we finally reached an exit that would allow us to switch, I was attempting to explain my awful mood to my wife. Sadly, the gas station we wanted to reach was not immediately at the exit, AND the bottom of the ramp was incredibly confusing. I did make the correct decision, but had no way to know that at the time. Because every ounce of energy that I had was going into keeping the car on the road safely, I derided myself for the rotten signage. This only upset my wife more. After the mile had almost passed, we were approaching a different interstate and could not see the gas station. Because I was so far gone, I cut my wife off as she was attempting to "help" me. I plead with her to say nothing and to let me figure out how to find the gas station. Seconds later, I spotted it just passed the other interstate, but she also saw it and chose to let me know where it was. That definitely sent me into a tailspin.
I got us to the station, and we snapped at each other about the situation. We soon reconciled, but as I got out right after the initial exchange, I was literally shaking aas I was pumping the gas. I had nothing left from the driving. In fact, I nearly exploded when the pump failed to print my receipt. Fortunately, my wife had already apologized to me. I managed to walk (or stomp) inside and nicely ask for a copy. I then apologized to my wife and again attempted to explain how hard such a situation is for me. It drives me nuts that my energy is so limited in moments like that. I truly did not have the ability to interact with her (or myself) civilly because I needed all of my mental accuity to keep us safe in the car. That is crazy, but it is also reality.
Fortunately, my wife and I are exceptional at sharing, listening, and forgiving. I know that she meant well, and she knows that I truly did not try to upset her. She also appreciates that I did much more of the driving today. She still did the majority, but I did drive for over 3 hours and handled over 200 of our miles. Narcolepsy will certainly continue to be a bane - in my travels, in my marriage, in my life. But, I must simply continue to accept what it gives me and make the best of each day. Gratefully, we got to our hotel by 3 PM and have had a slow evening to gather strength for tomorrow. We are all excited to get home. I hope that tomorrow goes well and that my narcolepsy lets me have enough strength to drive and to be kind even when the roads are tense.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Craft Craze
I had an excellent time today going to look at crafters. Unfortunately, my wife was too ill to join us, so my daughter and I ventured out alone. We needed to exchange a shirt at the aquarium first, which was also an excuse for my daughter to get an awesome funnel cake (it looked like a pound of powdered sugar!). Then, we headed east for the eight mile artisan loop. Since it was hot, we knew that we could not go to many places, but we did check out a few shops.
The woodwork and art that we found blew my mind. I am glad that we made the trip because I will now push harder to make it a priority the next time that we come here. Gatlinburg has amazing talent in this eight mile loop. We did make a few purchases, but I was tempted to get far more. Wisely, I realized that my wife would need to okay the larger purchases. It simply means that we need to return here again.
The best part of the day, though, was simply getting out. My sinuses definitely seemed to be better today. I felt good being more alert and having the chance to connect with my daughter. I continue to worry that narcolepsy will prevent me from knowing as well as I might. Gratefully, days like today remind me that I can find windows. I am excited to head home, but feel like I had a great vacation inspite of my medical woes. We have already packed most of our stuff, allowing us to plan for a 6 AM departure. I hope that I can be ready since I was the delay on both days of our driving down here. Tomorrow is definitely the "longer" day, but we should hit our worst stretch (Pigeon Forge - 5 miles in one hour) before anyone else is actually awake. We will stay in northern Indiana again, but booked a hotel slightly closer to Chicago. I like that I am ending this trip on an upbeat note. That has not been my previous experience very often.
The woodwork and art that we found blew my mind. I am glad that we made the trip because I will now push harder to make it a priority the next time that we come here. Gatlinburg has amazing talent in this eight mile loop. We did make a few purchases, but I was tempted to get far more. Wisely, I realized that my wife would need to okay the larger purchases. It simply means that we need to return here again.
The best part of the day, though, was simply getting out. My sinuses definitely seemed to be better today. I felt good being more alert and having the chance to connect with my daughter. I continue to worry that narcolepsy will prevent me from knowing as well as I might. Gratefully, days like today remind me that I can find windows. I am excited to head home, but feel like I had a great vacation inspite of my medical woes. We have already packed most of our stuff, allowing us to plan for a 6 AM departure. I hope that I can be ready since I was the delay on both days of our driving down here. Tomorrow is definitely the "longer" day, but we should hit our worst stretch (Pigeon Forge - 5 miles in one hour) before anyone else is actually awake. We will stay in northern Indiana again, but booked a hotel slightly closer to Chicago. I like that I am ending this trip on an upbeat note. That has not been my previous experience very often.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Internet Interruption
I love that I am constantly learning new things about myself. While a portion of that statement is facetious, I do like that I am open enough to recognize important factors about my mental and physical health. So, we are on vacation. Gatlinburg has been great, but my sinuses has not. I am also furious that my resort DOES offer an internet connection, but for a fee. I realized this after returning from McDonald's on Sunday. My rage only increased when I learned that the resort's internet is provided by Wayport. While Wayport has been around for a while, apparently the company is now owned by AT&T. The irony is that I am supposed to be able to connect to AT&T wifi because of my own internet connection at home. In fact, I used the Wayport connection at McDonald's! I finally caved in and paid for 24 hours on our room connection. I needed to do that.
My health woes have made for a long week, but it has also been hard because I don't do well when I have "unstructured" time. We have done some hiking, gone white water rafting, and visited the Aquarium of the Smokies. Those activities have been awesome. Unfortunately, those things drained me (because I have narcolepsy) and left me sitting around our townhouse at the resort. When I don't have ways to distract myself, I tend to get stuck in my own head. To avoid that I have watched a ridiculous amount of TV. I would have done far more productive things had I had an internet connection, but that was not possible. I also knew that trying to DO other things would be a disaster, since my limited excursions have left me wiped out. That might be the most frustrating aspect of this. This trip is the first long one that we have taken since I have begun to figure out how to live effectively with my narcolepsy. Unfortunately, I was not prepared for it. The lack of the internet connection, coupled with how much two LONG days in the car took out of me, has made it difficult for me to be upbeat. I also know that I am bring down the moods of my wife and my daughter. We are having fun, but my limited participation certainly impacts them.
I am now in hour 30 of a killer sinus headache too. It improves at times, but on the whole, the dull and constant pain in my left temple is getting old (to say the least). I skipped the hike this morning in hopes that I would feel better, but it made no difference. I am also afraid that I will get worse when we spend two days in the car driving home. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a good day. We plan to visit some of the shops on the craft circle - an eight mile loop of various artisans. It should be a blast, but all of us are under the weather. We certainly will not push ourselves, but it is definitely a burden on my wife. She clearly has a cold, but is trying to pick up my slack. I am doing my best to stay positive and engage with my wife and daughter, but there is only so much that my body can give. I will attempt to keep smiling and give everything that I can!
My health woes have made for a long week, but it has also been hard because I don't do well when I have "unstructured" time. We have done some hiking, gone white water rafting, and visited the Aquarium of the Smokies. Those activities have been awesome. Unfortunately, those things drained me (because I have narcolepsy) and left me sitting around our townhouse at the resort. When I don't have ways to distract myself, I tend to get stuck in my own head. To avoid that I have watched a ridiculous amount of TV. I would have done far more productive things had I had an internet connection, but that was not possible. I also knew that trying to DO other things would be a disaster, since my limited excursions have left me wiped out. That might be the most frustrating aspect of this. This trip is the first long one that we have taken since I have begun to figure out how to live effectively with my narcolepsy. Unfortunately, I was not prepared for it. The lack of the internet connection, coupled with how much two LONG days in the car took out of me, has made it difficult for me to be upbeat. I also know that I am bring down the moods of my wife and my daughter. We are having fun, but my limited participation certainly impacts them.
I am now in hour 30 of a killer sinus headache too. It improves at times, but on the whole, the dull and constant pain in my left temple is getting old (to say the least). I skipped the hike this morning in hopes that I would feel better, but it made no difference. I am also afraid that I will get worse when we spend two days in the car driving home. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a good day. We plan to visit some of the shops on the craft circle - an eight mile loop of various artisans. It should be a blast, but all of us are under the weather. We certainly will not push ourselves, but it is definitely a burden on my wife. She clearly has a cold, but is trying to pick up my slack. I am doing my best to stay positive and engage with my wife and daughter, but there is only so much that my body can give. I will attempt to keep smiling and give everything that I can!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Sleepy Sunday
The day was definitely low key at my house today. My daughter had a friend here over night, and the two of them had fun creating a movie on my MacBook Pro. They also played air hockey, goofed around, and enjoyed the Wii. My wife spent most of the day resting, but is getting to some of the chores now. She is definitely feeling some pressure because we are leaving on vacation this Thursday. Thus, we need to get the house cleaned and have a number of ducks in a row before we hop in the car. Not only is she thinking about the work at home, but also she needs to get a number of things done at her office. Plus, her husband with narcolepsy is not a big help in crunch times - oops!
I spent the day puttering, but I did get some things done. I washed some dishes and finally cleaned off our dining room table. I am still hoping to get a couple more things done before I head to bed. More than anything, though, I used the day to recharge a bit. I tried to let go of my worries, appreciating the things that I did get done. Hopefully, my lack of fretting will continue throughout the week, allowing me to maintain my energy and to accomplish a few more tasks in the process. I definitely need for that to happen, but sometimes my body and my narcolepsy make their own plans. It does not help that I have two six hour meetings on Monday and Tuesday up at school. In the end, though, things will be what they are, and we will still leave on our vacation regardless. Life is funny that way.
I spent the day puttering, but I did get some things done. I washed some dishes and finally cleaned off our dining room table. I am still hoping to get a couple more things done before I head to bed. More than anything, though, I used the day to recharge a bit. I tried to let go of my worries, appreciating the things that I did get done. Hopefully, my lack of fretting will continue throughout the week, allowing me to maintain my energy and to accomplish a few more tasks in the process. I definitely need for that to happen, but sometimes my body and my narcolepsy make their own plans. It does not help that I have two six hour meetings on Monday and Tuesday up at school. In the end, though, things will be what they are, and we will still leave on our vacation regardless. Life is funny that way.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Pulsating Pain
My head feels like it is in a vice. The headache started around 3 PM today, and it is progressively building. Somehow, I managed to go get my daughter around 4 PM. Then, my wife, my daughter, three of my daughter's friends, and I went to a play at my school. Thankfully, my wife drove. I survived the play and even managed to laugh, but the pain is making it difficult to see at the moment. As always the pain is completely centered in my sinuses. I have no doubt that something rotten is happening in there. My ENT's office never did call with the culture results, but I am sure that they were negative.
I would guess that this headache is my body's signal to me that I have pushed far too hard at the end of this week. I have not rested much, even on my "off days," and for the past two days, I have had intense three hour meetings. My colleagues and I have been planning, which has been a blast. Because we are making significant progress, I have no doubt that this coming school year will be even better than last year. That said, though, I overtaxed my body during these past two days because I wanted to get even more done for school. Hopefully, a night of sleep and an extremely low key weekend will allow me to recuperate, so I can work toward a healthier balance next week. Of course, I have two all day meetings on Monday and Tuesday, a evening gathering on Wednesday, another team planning meeting on Thursday morning, and a road trip to Tennessee immediately after that Thursday meeting. I do not have high hopes for my body "settling" within the next week. Oh well, this too is just another joy of narcolepsy. I do get better at rolling with punches like this one (but I still don't like them).
I would guess that this headache is my body's signal to me that I have pushed far too hard at the end of this week. I have not rested much, even on my "off days," and for the past two days, I have had intense three hour meetings. My colleagues and I have been planning, which has been a blast. Because we are making significant progress, I have no doubt that this coming school year will be even better than last year. That said, though, I overtaxed my body during these past two days because I wanted to get even more done for school. Hopefully, a night of sleep and an extremely low key weekend will allow me to recuperate, so I can work toward a healthier balance next week. Of course, I have two all day meetings on Monday and Tuesday, a evening gathering on Wednesday, another team planning meeting on Thursday morning, and a road trip to Tennessee immediately after that Thursday meeting. I do not have high hopes for my body "settling" within the next week. Oh well, this too is just another joy of narcolepsy. I do get better at rolling with punches like this one (but I still don't like them).
Monday, July 20, 2009
Trouble Tracking
Today has been odd. I know that I got things done, but I just don't feel like I did much. I had trouble getting going this morning. Some of that is residue from this weekend - I know that Mondays are hard when I have pushed during the weekend (and that definitely happened between the anxiety and the excitement of the play plus the physical exertion of striking the set). I also know that some of my discomfort today is connected to the numerous things that I feel looming in my life. Whether it is work for school or the multitude of house projects, there is much to do and the time is slowly dwindling. The hardest part is knowing that I probably can't get to everything that I would like to do. Well, that and the fact that I want to finish everything within a day. I do find it funny that my baseline is still, "I should be able to do that by the end of the day." At least I know it is ridiculous, but I still experience some emotional push back from my subconscious.
I did manage to take care of a few things for school today. Mostly, I got our writing curriculum books to two of my three colleagues. Hopefully, I will take care of the third person before the end of the week. I also did a little shopping for myself, and I had a great conversation with a couple of friends. While those interactions were unplanned, there were wonderfully refreshing. I just wish that I wouldn't do my mental calculus after them (I just spent 30 minutes talking to that person, which means I can only get to this now...). Just one more aspect of my anxiety and my narcolepsy having a little party in my brain. More than anything, today is reminding me that I need to set schedules for my days like this. As nice as it is that my daughter does not have rehearsal every afternoon, that event forced a small amount of scheduling into my days. Now, things are too open, and I run the risk of that paralyzing me. Hopefully, tomorrow will feel more productive. I also have some time tonight that I can use to my advantage.
Finally, I need to mention that I did advocate for myself today. My wife just scheduled her conference for October. While we knew that her annual medical writers conference is in direct conflict of my Narcolepsy Network, we have already planned that we are both going to attend our conferences. However, when she mentioned signing up for hers, I then asked if we could get things in order for my conference. I definitely hope that we can do that soon. While it is not much, knowing that I have a flight to Jacksonville and a hotel room will take some pressure off of the many things on my mind. Silly, yes, but real.
I did manage to take care of a few things for school today. Mostly, I got our writing curriculum books to two of my three colleagues. Hopefully, I will take care of the third person before the end of the week. I also did a little shopping for myself, and I had a great conversation with a couple of friends. While those interactions were unplanned, there were wonderfully refreshing. I just wish that I wouldn't do my mental calculus after them (I just spent 30 minutes talking to that person, which means I can only get to this now...). Just one more aspect of my anxiety and my narcolepsy having a little party in my brain. More than anything, today is reminding me that I need to set schedules for my days like this. As nice as it is that my daughter does not have rehearsal every afternoon, that event forced a small amount of scheduling into my days. Now, things are too open, and I run the risk of that paralyzing me. Hopefully, tomorrow will feel more productive. I also have some time tonight that I can use to my advantage.
Finally, I need to mention that I did advocate for myself today. My wife just scheduled her conference for October. While we knew that her annual medical writers conference is in direct conflict of my Narcolepsy Network, we have already planned that we are both going to attend our conferences. However, when she mentioned signing up for hers, I then asked if we could get things in order for my conference. I definitely hope that we can do that soon. While it is not much, knowing that I have a flight to Jacksonville and a hotel room will take some pressure off of the many things on my mind. Silly, yes, but real.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Friday Fury
I long for the day that I will be "ready" for a day. My sister, my daughter, my brother-in-law, and I were scheduled to leave at Noon today. We are spending Easter weekend in Duluth, hoping to see my grandmother and my mother (who is in town to help care for her). Even though we had a plan, I wound up derailing it for a time. Everything was fine, but it bothered me that my inability to get things done, or to garner any energy, forced others to wait. The true "problem" began on Thursday.
Invariably, I ran myself ragged yesterday. I did enjoy my abbreviated massage, and the chiropractor helped. After that, though, I headed to the University of Minnesota. My wife and I had a fun (but dorky) date. We met at her office to attend Grand Rounds. Dr. Mike Osterholm was speaking about influenza pandemics. It was incredible, but going to that meant that other things did not get done. I did rest at home for a time, but then I had to get my daughter. After that, I tried to do some cleaning around the house. Things look worse now, but my wife seemed to think that it was progress. After working for an hour and a half, I had to head to my daughter's school for a three-hour meeting. I got home at 10:30 PM. Needless to say, I had no energy for any more cleaning, or for packing.
Then, when I woke up this morning, I spent an hour and a half getting work done for the previous night's meeting. I did do some additional organizing of computer files (and dumping of files to clean out my laptop), but I was not ready to leave until nearly 1 PM. Again, it was not a huge problem, but I feel such internal pressure in those situations. I abhor inconveniencing others. Fortunately, I held things together. We arrived in Duluth around 3:30 PM, which was actually perfect. I just hope that I can let myself relax over the next few days. I remain vulnerable to my internal messages about doing more and unachieving.
These are the narcolepsy moments that I truly dread. I am doing "fun" things, but the energy required for them also drains me. The balance of living with this condition is often maddening. I am grateful that my wife and daughter remain understanding. I need to keep working on giving myself more of a break when I am in the midst of energy struggles like I am having this week. The one other tough part, though, is that my wife is out of town from tomorrow until next Saturday. Thus, I will get home on Sunday with professional work that needs to be done, volunteer work that needs to be done, and housework that needs to be done. I will face all of that as a solo parent and as a run down person with narcolepsy. It will be fine, and I will get done what I can, how I can, but I need to remember that I am doing a decent job, even if things turn out mediocre at best. In the end, I need to remember to breathe, while I handle each thing one step at a time.
Invariably, I ran myself ragged yesterday. I did enjoy my abbreviated massage, and the chiropractor helped. After that, though, I headed to the University of Minnesota. My wife and I had a fun (but dorky) date. We met at her office to attend Grand Rounds. Dr. Mike Osterholm was speaking about influenza pandemics. It was incredible, but going to that meant that other things did not get done. I did rest at home for a time, but then I had to get my daughter. After that, I tried to do some cleaning around the house. Things look worse now, but my wife seemed to think that it was progress. After working for an hour and a half, I had to head to my daughter's school for a three-hour meeting. I got home at 10:30 PM. Needless to say, I had no energy for any more cleaning, or for packing.
Then, when I woke up this morning, I spent an hour and a half getting work done for the previous night's meeting. I did do some additional organizing of computer files (and dumping of files to clean out my laptop), but I was not ready to leave until nearly 1 PM. Again, it was not a huge problem, but I feel such internal pressure in those situations. I abhor inconveniencing others. Fortunately, I held things together. We arrived in Duluth around 3:30 PM, which was actually perfect. I just hope that I can let myself relax over the next few days. I remain vulnerable to my internal messages about doing more and unachieving.
These are the narcolepsy moments that I truly dread. I am doing "fun" things, but the energy required for them also drains me. The balance of living with this condition is often maddening. I am grateful that my wife and daughter remain understanding. I need to keep working on giving myself more of a break when I am in the midst of energy struggles like I am having this week. The one other tough part, though, is that my wife is out of town from tomorrow until next Saturday. Thus, I will get home on Sunday with professional work that needs to be done, volunteer work that needs to be done, and housework that needs to be done. I will face all of that as a solo parent and as a run down person with narcolepsy. It will be fine, and I will get done what I can, how I can, but I need to remember that I am doing a decent job, even if things turn out mediocre at best. In the end, I need to remember to breathe, while I handle each thing one step at a time.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Washed out Wednesday
It always throws me when my body "catches up" with my life. I had a great weekend, seeing friends and playing a small amount of ultimate. I also enjoyed my visit to my friends' home in Maryland. The added exercise in White Flint would have been nice to forgo, but I know that it too was beneficial. My travel yesterday was harried at times, but I got home safely. So, I awoke today thinking that I would be ready to get into a groove preparing for work material, cleaning the house, and prepping for some events at my daughter's school. I was completely wrong.
Although I could feel the wave of fatigue as early as Sunday, it hit me full force today. I struggled to get out of bed, even with my stimulant. Then, as I was about to leave to do my limited errands for the day, I learned that the acupuncture, massage, and chiropractic appointments that I believed were scheduled for tomorrow were actually today - yippee. Thankfully, I will still get to have a massage (a shorter one) and chiropractic tomorrow, but the disappointment and embarrassment nearly tanked my day. Poetry Club at my daughter's school went great, but I got home completely exhausted. I even fell asleep watching The News Hour.
I am hoping that the recovery process will only take a day or two. I truly can't afford to feel like this when school restarts next Tuesday. I should not be surprised when things like this happen, but I am. I forget how much energy traveling can consume. I also did spend most days over the weekend and in Maryland "on," meaning that I did not rest much. That said, it still stresses me out that I am nearly worthless today. I want to do more around our house. I also need to get caught up on school work, finances, and our taxes. Narcolepsy always seems to have one more twist waiting for me.
Although I could feel the wave of fatigue as early as Sunday, it hit me full force today. I struggled to get out of bed, even with my stimulant. Then, as I was about to leave to do my limited errands for the day, I learned that the acupuncture, massage, and chiropractic appointments that I believed were scheduled for tomorrow were actually today - yippee. Thankfully, I will still get to have a massage (a shorter one) and chiropractic tomorrow, but the disappointment and embarrassment nearly tanked my day. Poetry Club at my daughter's school went great, but I got home completely exhausted. I even fell asleep watching The News Hour.
I am hoping that the recovery process will only take a day or two. I truly can't afford to feel like this when school restarts next Tuesday. I should not be surprised when things like this happen, but I am. I forget how much energy traveling can consume. I also did spend most days over the weekend and in Maryland "on," meaning that I did not rest much. That said, it still stresses me out that I am nearly worthless today. I want to do more around our house. I also need to get caught up on school work, finances, and our taxes. Narcolepsy always seems to have one more twist waiting for me.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Tuesday Travel
I head home today. I always find it fascinating that no matter how much I enjoy traveling, heading home is also exciting. Even though I was with my wife all weekend, I missed being with her the last two days. I also have missed my wonderful daughter. Knowing that I will see them both later today excites me to no end! I also enjoy the "process" of traveling.
While being at the whim of a transportation company can drive many people up a wall, I actually enjoy it. I know that some of that is my acceptance of narcolepsy. In the same way that I can't control the way my body responds on any given day, I also have no power over the functioning (or non-functioning) of a plane or train or bus. As a result, I am able to let go and simply accept what comes. It has taken a long time to reach that place. I used to be furious when trying to go somewhere if things went awry. But, it is one benefit of chronic illness - I daily have to face "things" not going the way I want them too. If I tried to fight every one of them, I would be insane by now.
Even yesterday was a great example. A dear friend and I planned to meet for dinner. Since I am in Maryland and can avail myself of decent public transportation, I took the Metro red line to meet him. I knew the trip would take 45 minutes, but that was fine. I was not inconveniencing the friends putting me up, and I could enjoy the ride. The Metro went well, and I arrived in White Flint with time to spare. The troubles began when I walked out of the Metro station. I seem to have a knack for always guessing the wrong way to go. I was meeting my friend at the White Flint Mall, but walked in the opposite direction. When I eventually arrived back at my starting point, I again chose poorly, but did manage to find the mall while working my way back to the start once again. In total I walked for an hour, probably covered at least 3 miles, wasted most of the energy that I had, and was a half-hour late in meeting my friend. While I was definitely frustrated, I did keep both my self-loathing and my ire at the lack of signage in check. I even found a book for which I had been searching. Even better, I bought it at Barnes & Noble rather than the Border's in the White Flint Mall. I do like Border's, but they had irritated me of late because they did not have this book when they promised that they would. Had I not done all of that walking, I might purchased the book at Border's instead (which would have bothered me), or worse, I might not have found it at all because maybe the White Flint Mall Border's also would have let me down.
I proceeded to have a fun night with my friend. He then drove me back to the place I am staying. That was good both because we got a chance to talk even more and because I don't know if I would have been alert enough on the Metro to get off at the correct stop on the way back. Gotta love narcolepsy, huh? Bottom line, I know that I need to appreciate the blessings and gifts that do come my way, even as I accept the hiccups and disruptions that accompany the good. Nothing is perfect, nor will anything ever be. But, I have so many blessings, and for that I am grateful. My constant sleepiness will be a bane for the rest of my life. I can't change that, but by accepting it (like the delays that may happen as I travel home today) my life will be a much saner and much better experience.
While being at the whim of a transportation company can drive many people up a wall, I actually enjoy it. I know that some of that is my acceptance of narcolepsy. In the same way that I can't control the way my body responds on any given day, I also have no power over the functioning (or non-functioning) of a plane or train or bus. As a result, I am able to let go and simply accept what comes. It has taken a long time to reach that place. I used to be furious when trying to go somewhere if things went awry. But, it is one benefit of chronic illness - I daily have to face "things" not going the way I want them too. If I tried to fight every one of them, I would be insane by now.
Even yesterday was a great example. A dear friend and I planned to meet for dinner. Since I am in Maryland and can avail myself of decent public transportation, I took the Metro red line to meet him. I knew the trip would take 45 minutes, but that was fine. I was not inconveniencing the friends putting me up, and I could enjoy the ride. The Metro went well, and I arrived in White Flint with time to spare. The troubles began when I walked out of the Metro station. I seem to have a knack for always guessing the wrong way to go. I was meeting my friend at the White Flint Mall, but walked in the opposite direction. When I eventually arrived back at my starting point, I again chose poorly, but did manage to find the mall while working my way back to the start once again. In total I walked for an hour, probably covered at least 3 miles, wasted most of the energy that I had, and was a half-hour late in meeting my friend. While I was definitely frustrated, I did keep both my self-loathing and my ire at the lack of signage in check. I even found a book for which I had been searching. Even better, I bought it at Barnes & Noble rather than the Border's in the White Flint Mall. I do like Border's, but they had irritated me of late because they did not have this book when they promised that they would. Had I not done all of that walking, I might purchased the book at Border's instead (which would have bothered me), or worse, I might not have found it at all because maybe the White Flint Mall Border's also would have let me down.
I proceeded to have a fun night with my friend. He then drove me back to the place I am staying. That was good both because we got a chance to talk even more and because I don't know if I would have been alert enough on the Metro to get off at the correct stop on the way back. Gotta love narcolepsy, huh? Bottom line, I know that I need to appreciate the blessings and gifts that do come my way, even as I accept the hiccups and disruptions that accompany the good. Nothing is perfect, nor will anything ever be. But, I have so many blessings, and for that I am grateful. My constant sleepiness will be a bane for the rest of my life. I can't change that, but by accepting it (like the delays that may happen as I travel home today) my life will be a much saner and much better experience.
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